Is this ethical or right?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Chocolateear, Jun 12, 2015.

  1. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    Last year my hubby had his driving license revoked after declaring an operation he had in November 2010 to insert a shunt for NPH, (which is now untreatable). He was having his license renewed every three years because he is a Type 1 Diabetic but losing his license for six months was devastating for him and he became really aggressive and extremely difficult to be with.
    I'm his registered Carer and took the full brunt of his frustration. Every single day, several times a day it was all he wanted to talk about.
    The DVLA contacted the Neuro Surgeon for a report, but they decided they needed to get a report from his Diabetic Consultant.
    He rang them on a regular basis as he has a Motability car and couldn't send it back or apply for the Motability element of his DLA until a final decision had been made.
    He has many hospital appointments in Southampton, Lymington, Bournemouth and recently Salisbury and public transport isn't cheap.
    They eventually sent a questionaire about his likelihood of falling asleep behind the wheel. (I kid you not) and was told that all the reports were being sent to their Medical Officers for review and a decision would reach us within eight weeks. We had a duplicate letter four weeks later.
    Finally, he was told he had to pay to have a medical with his GP. He made an appointment but was told they hadn't had the paperwork. DVLA told him they had sent it, but today when he went for his medical no paperwork had been received, but the GP said if it turned up he would fill it in without examining my husband as in his opinion he was fit to drive!
    My husband is a nightmare on the road and when I told the GP this his response was, 'you don't have to get in the car'
    I live with my husband, his obssessions, anxieties and various health conditions but my GP thinks he knows him better based on a 10 minute chat.
    I'm so fed up with the whole situation. If I go against JY husband my life won't be worth living but my conscience tells me he shouldn't be allowed on the road.
     
  2. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    What options do you have? The GPs opinion is going to trump yours so Im at a loss to know what you can do. What a terrible dilemma for you.

    Keep yourself safe and avoid getting into the car with him.
     
  3. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    His health has deteriorated a lot since last year, but he lies to the doctor in order to get what he wants. He is in total denial about his Dementia and having experienced his outbursts before I don't think I'm strong enough to stand up to him anymore.
    I definitely won't be getting in the car with him even if it causes offence.
    I need to think about this one carefully.
     
  4. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    It's sometimes a terrible price we pay for this sort of thing, Chocolatear. Really very bad that the doc isn't backing you up on something so serious.

    It wasn't quite that bad in my case, but the driving issue was never dealt with at all, and I just lived in hope that when the car finally went because of a fault, we'd never get another one. Thank God, we didn't.

    My hubby still thinks he can drive but has forgotten why the car is no longer there and keeps blaming my brother for stealing it. Truth was, hubby had to scrap the car because it no longer worked properly. You should have seen the state of the chassis on the passenger side. It was all dinged in down the whole side. Makes me wonder what he drove into for the thing to get in that state.

    I refused to go in the car with him during the last few months he drove. It was all I could do.
     
  5. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    Yes, I'm cross that the GP won't listen. I'm hoping now that the forms don't arrive at the surgery in time to be returned for the deadline on the 18th.
    I know he'll be upset if I refuse to get in the car, but I think it's going to be the only way to get through to him. I'm thinking of reporting the GP to our PCT if he fills the form in without examining my husband.
     
  6. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,499
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #6 Saffie, Jun 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
    I think the GP is totally irresponsible. I just hope his child isn't injured or killed by a driver who shouldn't be on the road.

    My husband had to apply for a new license every 3 years due to his diabetes and I told him that he had to write that he had had a few hypos. So he was pleased to receive his new licence. A few days later we visited the GP on another matter - and at that time he had not had a diagnosis of dementia but was showing signs of confusion.

    The GP must have got on the phone practically immediately after surgery to tell them of his confusion because 2 days later my husband received a letter from the DVLA asking him to return his licence by a certain date as the GP had reported his mental confusion.

    My husband was very upset and angry. So much so that he flounced out of the house, got in the car and returned a few minutes later to say he'd sent off his licence and wouldn't be driving the car again.

    I spoke to the GP later and said that whilst I couldn't complain about his action I could about his timing as he'd only had his licence back under a week.
    He said that he, nor I, nor my husband, would ever forgive ourselves if someone was hurt or killed by my husband's car.
    He was right, of course.

    So, if an accident happens due to your husband driving, I hope the GP will be able to live with himself. He will be the guilt on, not your husband.

    Best of luck with this.
     
  7. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Don't know how you'd complain about it. I never had the guts. I got very angry at times, all the same, and various people knew it.
     
  8. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    Thanks. I really feel for your situation as it's virtually parallel except that although he knows my hubby has Dementia and has seen him confused he refuses to make the decision about the license. I have decided now to contact the PCT about this as I think he's being so irresponsible. I'm glad your husband took his decision as hard as it was for both of you.You are so right. I know if my hubby hurt anyone he would be devastated but at the moment he's totally obsessed with getting his license and will not listen to any arguments, reasoning from me.
     
  9. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    One thing I've learned is that this is such a common dilemma and so many people, especially the partners/carers suffer the brunt. It's all so wrong. I'm hoping and praying for some Divine Intervention so I'm not forced to do anything which I know is going to cause so much trouble.
     
  10. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    That may, or may not happen. Idon't blame you for believing and having faith. I do too, but it's been a long, hard slog to get where we are now. Hubby never ever considered himself to be in the wrong at any time, and that hasn't changed, as ill as he now is.

    I'm thankful that at least it's now diagnosed that he no longer has capacity. Terrible thing, but it must mean that if anything awful were to crop up, I could bring that to a medic's attention.
     
  11. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,499
    Female
    Near Southampton
    My husband wasn't happy about it and when he sent the licence back it was with a sort of 'if you want it ,you can have it' attitude.
    He was given about a week to return it but sent it straight away.
    His driving wasn't good by any means but in fact, his dementia wasn't that bad either!
    I hope you get somewhere with it.

    I know when we went to the Memory Matters course where those who had the problem did things in one room while we had various talks, the daughers of the lady who was by far the most affected there, said that it was fine that she was driving as it was only in the neighbourhood.
    Like, you can't cause an accident in the neighbourhood!
     
  12. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    I really feel for your situation as my hubby is the same as he never believes he's in the wrong. Even before the NPH I never knew him to take responsibility for anything and he's been in denial for so long I wonder what it will take to make him face up to his condition. Perhaps he never will. We all seem to try and find some salvation where ever we can. Our latest dip has been the lower levels of Haemoglobin. His transplanted kidney started playing up and he has raised levels of protein in his urine. His confusion and mood swings have been worse. He had a transfusion a couple of weeks ago and has been less tired but now the downside is that he believes he can drive.
    Life is a roller coaster for all of us isn't it?
     
  13. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    Yikes! The responses ive had to this are a two edged sword. It's heartening, in a strange sort of way to know that the reaction is quite common, but it's also quite sad to see that the medics reaction varies so much.
    I wish our GP wasn't so spineless. I couldn't believe history reaction. So irresponsible. Most accidents happen within a mile of home!
     
  14. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Isn't it just, my dear. Don't look for him to accept his illness. From what I've read over these years, many sufferers don't. It's as sad and simple as that, which is why we have to bend over backwards, often, to get things sorted.

    I'm only thankful I was taken up on my request and documentation of hubby's condition was recorded whilst he was in hospital. That's made a big difference, so far.
     
  15. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    We have a follow up blood test the week after next to see if his haemoglobin and protein have improved. The biggest blow for him is if his transplant starts to fail. At 22 years old it's lasted well, but we were told last time that it's already gone on beyond normal expectations. I hope life gets better for you and that although it's a little progress it's in the right direction for you.
     
  16. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    I was such a relief that when my OH was in hospital 18 months ago the consultant categorically said OH should no longer drive. But every day, almost without fail, he will ask where his car is and say he is going to get his licence back. Fortunately he wouldn't know where to begin but It's hard to understand, when so much else is forgotten, that the driving stays in their memory.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  17. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    I've heard this so many times, that the driving remains in their memory. I keep hoping that one of the Consultants would just say that he can't drive. It seems, by all accounts, that this is one thing that never goes away.
     
  18. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    856
    WEST SUSSEX
    It is an horrible business Chocolateer - my husband - almost up to his last conscious day in the Nursing Home would tell me he was just going off down to the garage to start his car even though his driving licence had been revoked a year earlier by the Police when he fatally injured a traffic bollard! He was still at home when it happened and the Police were extremely kind and gentle with him but I remember feeling it was my fault for some reason and how very sad it all was at the time. The relief it was only a bollard in the middle of the road and not a human especially a child remains with me to this day. Could you approach another Doctor in your Practice for a second opinion or would that cause too much of a furore?
     
  19. Chocolateear

    Chocolateear Registered User

    Aug 7, 2014
    114
    Dorset
    Hello Wife. I'm so sorry to read what's been happening to you. It's becoming more and more apparent that there are no guidelines, no firm boundaries to help us Carers. We know our loved ones better than anyone and yet we are disregarded and our opinion ignored. The Practice stick rigidly to their own patients as I have tried to talk to another one in the Practice and am just referred back. I'm so glad your husband only damaged a bollard. My husband hates cyclists and there is a cycling club that regularly cycle round our town on a Saturday. Before his license was revoked he would deliberately drive at them or as close to them as he could to intimidate them. I've told our GP about this and he just laughed. I'm hoping the time runs out before the forms arrive or something else happens to stop it.
     

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