Is it Dementa? At a loss with it all.

[Gingertwist]

Hi all, I am very new to this, and have recently been reading as much as I can about dementia and its forms as my Mum has been showing signs of severe memory loss and confusion. Although her GP gave her the mandatory clock test etc and admitted that her memory is dire has not made a diagnosis. Recently my Mum has been 'locked in' to the death of a close family member, her guardian. He died about 40 years ago. She has been to his house and cleaned it and now wants to plan a funeral. The house was in fact demolished at least 30 years ago. I have tried the straight talking only to be shot down in nasty flames and accused of trying to make out she has a memory problem. I have tried going with the flow as her GP suggests but now she is planning to a trip of see how much a funeral costs. I have now had to tell tales in that the hospital will sort the paperwork and that he probably had a funeral plan and its all paid for. I hate lying. I have asked her to do the maths in that the years dont add up but she is adamant that this death is recent. Im not sure what to do next. The GP is due to visit next week but I dont hold out much hope as my mum has turned down going to the Memory clinic a 'she has nothing wrong' with her. I have also had stories of things going missing, neighbours, and family members visiting and taking things, and other strange tales. I would appreciate any ideas you may have. Thanks

 

[Jessbow]

At times we have to use what are often called 'love lies'

When a person with dementia has an idea, they are always right, they are right you are wrong! Love lies can pacify.

My mother often used to ask if my father had left her for another woman.
Truth = he died ( Why upset her again?)
Love lie = I don't think so ( which is true) but i'll try and find out = pacified for now

 

[susy]

Hi all, I am very new to this, and have recently been reading as much as I can about dementia and it forms as my Mum has been showing signs of severe memory loss and confusion. Although her GP gave her the mandatory clock test etc and admitted that her memory is dire has not made a diagnosis. Recently my Mum has been 'locked in' to the death of a close family member, her guardian. He died about 40 years ago. She has been to his house and cleaned it and now wants to plan a funeral. The house was in fact demolished at least 30 years ago. I have tried the straight talking only to be shot down in nasty flames and accused of trying to make out she has a memory problem. I have tried going with the flow as her GP suggests but now she is planning to a trip of see how much a funeral costs. I have now had to tell tales in that the hospital will sort the paperwork and that he probably had a funeral plan and its all paid for. I hate lying. I have asked her to do the maths in that the years dont add up but she is adamant that this death is recent. Im not sure what to do next. The GP is due to visit next week but I dont hold out much hope as my mum has turned down going to the Memory clinic a 'she has nothing wrong' with her. I have also had stories of things going missing, neighbours, and family members visiting and taking things, and other strange tales. I would appreciate any ideas you may have. Thanks

This is unfortunately not a unique tale. White lies or love lies as they are often called on here is often the way forward. No matter how ridiculous what the person is saying, as far as they are concerned it is the truth and they won't listen to reason, why should they? Afterall theyare telling the truth!

As for a diagnosis, often many roads are travelled down before anything is finally decided. As for the memory clinic, maybe use a love lie. I'm sure others will help out with ideas there.

Welcome to Talking Point, you will learn loads here.

Best wishes.

 

[Eternity]

Could you ask the memory clinic to do a home visit? And pre-warn them that your mum feels she is ok.
They came to assess my mum at home. I told mum they were doing research on the over 65s in the area and had chosen her(or something like that). It was a lie but at least mum didn't feel upset, suspicious or defensive at their visit.

The memory clinic nurses were really good - their assessment was more like a chat about her life and things she liked doing. They spoke to me after to confirm what she could/couldn't do, behaviours etc...
We got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It helped us having the diagnosis - where to go for help, what to expect, if nothing else we found TP which is a life saver.

 

[Van55]

GINGERTWIST... Like you I tried to explain and correct...and it was very difficult and frustrating - driving me mad. I went on like that for some time. With hindsight I think it's because it is difficult to accept that a person who has always understood everything now can't take anything in.
So, even though it does not come easily I have recently been trying to just 'go with the flow' and yes, it does involve telling lies but I can justify it to myself by reminding myself that within an hour ( or less) my Mum cannot remember the conversation anyway.
So basically, whatever I say is irrelevant and the overriding concern is to keep her relaxed and calm.
Now if she talks in the present of those long dead we just agree that they must have popped out somewhere and I move the conversation on to something completely different.
Hope this helps...

 

[Gingertwist]

Im llearning quickly

GINGERTWIST... Like you I tried to explain and correct...and it was very difficult and frustrating - driving me mad. I went on like that for some time. With hindsight I think it's because it is difficult to accept that a person who has always understood everything now can't take anything in.
So, even though it does not come easily I have recently been trying to just 'go with the flow' and yes, it does involve telling lies but I can justify it to myself by reminding myself that within an hour ( or less) my Mum cannot remember the conversation anyway.
So basically, whatever I say is irrelevant and the overriding concern is to keep her relaxed and calm.
Now if she talks in the present of those long dead we just agree that they must have popped out somewhere and I move the conversation on to something completely different.
Hope this helps...

Thank you for your message. I am learning very quickly to steer the conversation to something else. I tend to agree with what my mum is saying, although trying to get round the planning of a funeral for someone who died over 40 years ago is difficult. Im quite surprised by my 'love lies' but still feel bad all the same. I visited today and she had a new 'topic' whch was a relief. She also said her GP had been round just to check on her! Think I will have to follow up on that one. Thanks again

 

[Van55]

Thank you for your message. I am learning very quickly to steer the conversation to something else. I tend to agree with what my mum is saying, although trying to get round the planning of a funeral for someone who died over 40 years ago is difficult. Im quite surprised by my 'love lies' but still feel bad all the same. I visited today and she had a new 'topic' whch was a relief. She also said her GP had been round just to check on her! Think I will have to follow up on that one. Thanks again

My Mum often says that somebody has been in to see her but it's just in her imagination. It's a difficult one to deal with and I'm only a learner at all this myself., but I have found that reading the experiences and advice of others is helpful.

 

[Witzend]

Thank you for your message. I am learning very quickly to steer the conversation to something else. I tend to agree with what my mum is saying, although trying to get round the planning of a funeral for someone who died over 40 years ago is difficult. Im quite surprised by my 'love lies' but still feel bad all the same. I visited today and she had a new 'topic' whch was a relief. She also said her GP had been round just to check on her! Think I will have to follow up on that one. Thanks again

My mother went through a long phase of being convinced that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house, i.e. deprived her of her share of the inheritance. It was the hardest lot of 'love lies" I ever had to use, since I hated agreeing that my poor aunt was guilty of any such thing. But even cast iron proof from a bevy of Law Lords would not have convinced her - we would all have been 'in league' with my aunt.
Over and over I just had to say, 'Dear me, how awful, I'll get on to a solicitor first thing tomorrow.' And that would pacify her - until the next time, maybe just an hour later. This went on for MONTHS.

 

[Van55]

My mother went through a long phase of being convinced that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house, i.e. deprived her of her share of the inheritance. It was the hardest lot of 'love lies" I ever had to use, since I hated agreeing that my poor aunt was guilty of any such thing. But even cast iron proof from a bevy of Law Lords would not have convinced her - we would all have been 'in league' with my aunt.
Over and over I just had to say, 'Dear me, how awful, I'll get on to a solicitor first thing tomorrow.' And that would pacify her - until the next time, maybe just an hour later. This went on for MONTHS.

Thanks for this. My Mum has been telling me for ages that everyone is stealing things from her. Up till now I've tried to convince her that she is wrong... But of course she won't be persuaded.. Think I will now try just agreeing with her... Another 'love lie' !

 

[Gingertwist]

Thanks for this. My Mum has been telling me for ages that everyone is stealing things from her. Up till now I've tried to convince her that she is wrong... But of course she won't be persuaded.. Think I will now try just agreeing with her... Another 'love lie' !

If it wasnt so sad it could be funny. My Mum has had her neighbour stealing her food, hiding her medication which when found was 'put there to make her look stupid. My cousin and aunt have visited 3 times, arriving from over 200 miles away at 9 in the morning and staying in the garage for 4 hours, then rushing off without speaking. She has had things taken from the garden, the garage, and her home. I no longer argue or correct things and try to go with the flow. Im getting good at the love lies. Oddest of all is that of the last two visits my Mum has been fine. Just the small repeat but nothing overly odd. I, through wishful thinking, wonder if she has recovered!

This site has been great and reading all the blogs and replies has been really helpful. I know I am not alone and if I really need to sound off someone will listen/read.

Oh and we are off to the memory clinic once the appointment comes through.
Love and best wishes to you all x

 

[spuddle]

I too am finding 'love lies' the best way to go at times with my mum. I guess I kind of weigh up the options in a situation and it often seems to be the kindest way to deal with some things. as others have said it can calm a situation down/pacify her so she doesn't need to worry about whatever it is that she thinks is happening.
as for the memory clinic, I took the appointment letter and told her she had to go for a check up as everyone has one after the age of 80.
I hope you can get a diagnosis soon (one way or the other) as you then know what you are dealing with

 

[copsham]

When my mother was newly diagnosed I found the book "compassionate communication" by Oliver James really helpful. It made sense and it felt that there was a constructive way forward allbeit only until things got much worse!

 

[Izzy]

When my mother was newly diagnosed I found the book "compassionate communication" by Oliver James really helpful. It made sense and it felt that there was a constructive way forward allbeit only until things got much worse!

This thread might be helpful -

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired