1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    713
    Male
    Newcastle
    At their last visit in August we were told that my wife's London-based son and family would be coming here in October. This week he rang to say that he will not be coming to see her at half-term as we expected as he (or possibly they) will be going to the USA. I am relieved on my part as he is just a major source of unwanted stress but annoyed for my wife that this year he has been able to find just 2 hours to spend with his mother.
     
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,719
    Male
    Bristol
    It's a right scunner mate and you certainly don't need the hassle while your wife doe not need the uncertainty. My OH's son was last here in July and was supposed to be here last month, now we are supposed to visit him some time this month, but we'll believe it when it happens.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,836
    N Ireland
    Ah yes, invisible and silent sons.

    My wife has 3 sons. Since her diagnosis about 2 years ago one has neither been seen, nor heard. One has visited once and phoned once. The final one has made an effort and has balanced being an occasional nuisance with being an occasional help so I won't fault him.

    I don't mind 'distant' offspring but hate seeing the way my wife frets over the lack of contact.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,880
    Female
    South coast
    My brother only visited mum once during the 3 years she was in her care home, and that was only at the beginning when she first went in. I contacted him when mum was at end of life and my children visited their grandma, but neither he not any of his family did.
    They did come to the funeral though............
     
  5. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,380
    Kent
    My children visited their Grandad far more often than my 2 sisters who as mature women admittedly with a 3 hour journey said it was a long way to travel every 3 or 4 months :mad:when he was grumpy with them... welcome to my regular visiting world...my 2 children in their 20s had a much greater and willing understanding. However 18 mths after he died my children and I can look ourselves in the mirror without any regrets that we could and should have done anything more. I wanted to say many times to my sisters it is not about you..it is about Dad and he is your dad after all and with no other visitors except for us.
     
  6. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    I understand that, because it was me who got dad stopped from driving when he was dangerous, it was me who got him to the doctors and the memory clinic and on the medication, it was me who who spent my days off taking dad out and about and spending time with him, it was me who did his washing and shopping etc for over a year. It was me who worried about dads weight loss and took him back to the doctors three time, it was me who pushed for more tests because he was fading away. It was me who sorted out prescriptions for special milk shakes and made sure he drank them.

    It was not me that had six holidays while all this was going on.

    To be fair brother has stepped up over the last few weeks and not before time.

    Sorry your wife's son is like this @northumbrian_k Perhaps it's a boy thing.
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    676
    Female
    What is that saying....
    You can chose your friends but you can’t do anything about your family!
    I’ve probably got that wrong, but you get the gist.
    My beautiful wonderful Mom was diagnosed with cancer some years ago. After meeting with the doctor who told us Mom had 3 months left, my sister said Mom had better not get incontinent, if she does she’s not living in my home.
    Mom lived with my sister because she gave Mom an ultimatum.... sell your house and put the money into a house in my name, or live on your own. Mom sold her house and my sister bought her home.
    I haven’t spoken to my sister since 1987.
    I miss not having a sister, but I don’t miss the sister I have.
    xx
     
  8. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,409
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    My OH's 49-year-old son visits twice a year and phones every two or three months. Luckily my husband doesn't miss his son because they have never had a good relationship or , better, they have never had a relationship.
    My stepson is waiting for his father's death, when he will grab his part of his father's money. I think he visits to check how OH's dementia is progressing and try to understand how long he has to wait.
     
  9. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    713
    Male
    Newcastle
    All such sad stories but at least they remind me that I'm not alone in experiencing my stepson's callous disregard for his Mother at her time of need.
     
  10. B72

    B72 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    132
    I’m afraid I can join in with these stories too. But I don’t want to because I don’t want my family to recognise me. I want to be able to use TP to say how I feel. But I too could talk about siblings and sons who aren’t around or who don’t seem to care when you need them.

    It hurts.
     
  11. Distressed55

    Distressed55 Registered User

    May 13, 2018
    67
    Ditto, @Bel72. My dad died v recently and whilst I wish I could offload here, I know that I can't. It's sad that there are far more venal people around than I ever imagined. But there are decent ones too, like here on TP. So we make our own families from like minded individuals rather than ones we have a genetic link to.
     
  12. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    I totally understand - but don't think it's a boy thing - my OH's daughter is hopeless and useless and has been to see him once in the last 12 months. I think with some of them it's a case of out of sight, out of mind, and they can pretend whoever it is is how they used to be. Turn up at the funeral because that is then 'normal' and there is no dementia.....
     
  13. B72

    B72 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2018
    132
    Elsewhere, some of us assured a very young person that if they couldn’t cope with a seriously distressing situation, that was fine. And I stand by that. I’m sure we all do. But it’s different if an adult is just callous. So I just want to say here, in case a very young people reads this thread that there is a difference between having to cope with what no young person should have to cope with, and an adult absenting themselves from things almost everyone has to cope with at some time in their life.
     
  14. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    713
    Male
    Newcastle
    I agree with that @Bel72 but in our case my stepson is in his late forties and his daughter of 11 has shown no signs of not being able to cope so it doesn't apply in respect of my wife.
     
  15. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    I agree with that too and if anyone suggests that my 25 year old son should start pulling his weight in looking after my dad then they will get an earful from me because I will not allow him to.

    I am appalled at how some young people are having to cope with these situations, I find it quite wrong to be honest. They have just started out in life and it is not fair.
     
  16. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,836
    N Ireland
    I agree with the opinions about not wanting people in their 20’s to have to undertake the caring role.

    In my case, my wife’s children are in their 30’s and 40’s and even a not too regular phone call would be appreciated. My wife constantly seeks just a call and it pains me to see her experiencing feelings of abandonment when she doesn’t get so much as that. I’ve never been a gambler but I’d wager a months pension that some of the ones who don’t bother to make any, or much, contact spend a shed load of time on a certain social media site and bring little joy to anyone by being there.
     
  17. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,880
    Female
    South coast
    I think there is a big difference between expecting someone to take on a caring role and them not even visiting.
    No-one should be expected to take on a caring role - much less do things that they cant cope with, but I do think it is a great pity when relatives cannot even come and visit for a couple of hours every now and then. Even if my brother had only gone to visit his mum a couple of times a year that would have been something. My children used to visit every couple of months despite having busy lives and having to travel quite a way.
     
  18. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,380
    Kent
    Not necessarily dementia related but I constantly find it appalling that it is highlighted so often that young and some very young children are expected to care for their parent who may have long term illness or disability. They are given much needed opportunities at young carers groups to be just children and get away from the stress and demands of their caring role...but however did we arrive at the point where it is deemed acceptable for young children to have to take on this role just because it is their parent. Saddens me that they are....however willing and capable...
     

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