Introducing myself

AlliRich

New member
Apr 15, 2024
4
0
Hi, I’m Allison and I’m here because my mum has dementia. Yesterday she forgot my dad had died. When I arrived at her house she said something terrible has happened and she couldn’t find him. She then said she couldn’t find any of his stuff. I had to tell her he had passed. He died 13 years ago. She asked me when and what he had died of. She retained the information for at least half an hour, which is unusual. She was diagnosed in 2021 but we knew from around 2017. She hasn’t done anything like this before and it has shook me and my husband to the core. They had such a wonderful relationship and I don’t know if it’s true but in my own mind I firmly believe that my dad dying is the reason my mum has dementia. She just couldn’t cope with his loss. I always feel I am at sea with looking after my mum. My sister doesn’t help, despite her not working and I feel angry at her for this. I have carers for her and lots in place but I feel very depressed and lonely about her a lot of the time….
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,043
0
Kent
Welcome @alison Needham

Being the primary carer is a big responsibility and ordeal and I don`t think we are ever prepared for a downturn.

Whether or not your dad dying has been the cause of your mother`s dementia is immaterial now. Even though he died so long ago, she could have been showing early signs before he died but he kept it to himself or didn`t even recognise it for what it was.

I hope you will find this forum helpful and supportive. You are among people who know what it`s like.
 

Gosling

Volunteer Host
Aug 2, 2022
1,891
0
South West UK
Hello @Allison Needham and firstly welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a wealth of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.

I am sorry to read about your Mum. I know how upsetting it can be when a loved one takes a sudden dip. And yes, it can happen quite suddenly. I am sorry., and also that you have an unsupportive sister which doesn't help you in the slightest. It is good that you have carers in place - at least that must be some comfort that your Mum is safe.
Please do use this forum to vent when you need to. A lot of people say it helps just to put things down on here.
Members here really do want to help, and you'll always find understanding and a listening ear .
 

Jakesterblack

Registered User
May 20, 2022
88
0
Hi, I’m Allison and I’m here because my mum has dementia. Yesterday she forgot my dad had died. When I arrived at her house she said something terrible has happened and she couldn’t find him. She then said she couldn’t find any of his stuff. I had to tell her he had passed. He died 13 years ago. She asked me when and what he had died of. She retained the information for at least half an hour, which is unusual. She was diagnosed in 2021 but we knew from around 2017. She hasn’t done anything like this before and it has shook me and my husband to the core. They had such a wonderful relationship and I don’t know if it’s true but in my own mind I firmly believe that my dad dying is the reason my mum has dementia. She just couldn’t cope with his loss. I always feel I am at sea with looking after my mum. My sister doesn’t help, despite her not working and I feel angry at her for this. I have carers for her and lots in place but I feel very depressed and lonely about her a lot of the time….
Hi Allison, My dad has been gone 8 years this year, mum is in the hospital at the moment and we are currently looking for care homes, i think her dementia was there at that point but after losing Dad it snowballed and then with covid it just escalated very quickly. She stopped talking about Dad for a long time there and then all of a sudden the other day in hospital she asked where he was and if he was at home worried about her being in hospital. Same as you it shook me and i found it really upsetting trying to explain to her, that was about three weeks ago and now she is back to knowing dad isn't here anymore but the other day was trying to ask the nurse to call the police because she didn't understand why she was in a hotel with people she didn't know. She is basically all over the place, she was scared and i tried to assure her she is safe and in hospital but there was no talking her round. I had to leave her and felt awful. I work full time and now have finally accepted that I can't give mum the care she needs so we are looking at care homes. It is so hard and you feel like you have no life of your own. I do feel for you and please keep posting as this forum has been a lifeline to me now and it's good to know others understand and also get advice/help. Take care x
 

AlliRich

New member
Apr 15, 2024
4
0
Thank you, I think it helps to know of other people’s experiences. Am scared to visit now and I know that is ridiculous but it shook us to the core. Haven’t slept for three nights as it is the one thing we didn’t have to worry about. I will keep reading and posting as I know groups like this really help. When I was at my worst with long Covid it was a facebook group that helped me through and not feel so isolated. Every time something happens it’s a learning curve. The situation with my sister makes me angry, but tbh she has been selfish and lazy all her life so I have no idea why I am upset or surprised by her. I will come to terms with this am sure but it’s so very hard xx
 

Jakesterblack

Registered User
May 20, 2022
88
0
Thank you, I think it helps to know of other people’s experiences. Am scared to visit now and I know that is ridiculous but it shook us to the core. Haven’t slept for three nights as it is the one thing we didn’t have to worry about. I will keep reading and posting as I know groups like this really help. When I was at my worst with long Covid it was a facebook group that helped me through and not feel so isolated. Every time something happens it’s a learning curve. The situation with my sister makes me angry, but tbh she has been selfish and lazy all her life so I have no idea why I am upset or surprised by her. I will come to terms with this am sure but it’s so very hard xx
I totally understand it, I am the same with mum because I never know what I am going to get... and after her not knowing me that day i think is she going to know me today... It does make you angry that another sibling can disconnect themselves totally and she honestly sounds like one of my sisters. Me and my other sister are very close always have been and it's us that have cared for mum, she moved away (not even that far) and comes out normally xmas time, mothers day and mum's birthday if you are lucky and that's it for the year... we do everything for mum and my husband will say she has to live with herself but you know you have done everything but it still doesn't stop me resenting her and being angry as she lives her life, goes on holiday and i can't do any of that at the moment and haven't been able to for years... it's not right, we were all brought up the same way so how can she be so selfish...
 

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