1. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    My mother is 85 & was diagnosed 3 years ago with mild Alzheimer's. That has now moved on. She was assessed by social services back in January & they deemed that on the day she had mental capacity. She had a fall in April & had social services carers for 6 weeks & we now pay for her current care package. She is still living in her own house & has carers 3 times a day. I understand that she could/has forgotten or doesn't recognise what the toilet looks like & therefore either wets or poos wherever & in anything that remotely looks like a toilet. This could be anything from the porch, fireplace, kitchen bin etc. My brother & I spend our visits cleaning carpets & she doesn't recognise that there is any mess on the floor. She threw one of the carers out last week because she was cleaning & she said her house isn't dirty there's only her living there. The carers & I put Tena pants on her when she allows which is great until she wets or poos & she takes them off & doesn't put a clean pair back on.There is also a commode that was left from after her fall but she refuses to use it only as an ashtray. Yes, another nightmare is her smoking which she has done since she was 14 & unfortunately hasn't forgotten how to do!! Obviously amoungst all this there is the hygiene aspect. She quite often refuses to shower & starts to get very angry. When someone is there she uses the toilet which is upstairs, but I understand that is because it brings her back to normality but when she is alone she gets confused & doesn't know what to do when she has an accident.
    Does anyone have any practical advice that I haven't thought of? Should I see if the care agency could do anymore for her? Should I get her re-assessed by social services? She would be self funding as she has a lot of savings.
    Any advice would be appreciated,
    Thank you,
     
  2. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    Oh dear. You could have been talking about my mother in law. Others will be along with better suggestions but to be frank, at this point hubbie and I decided it was time for a care home. As you are self funding you don't need to involve social services which in fact is what we did. We just organised it ourselves
     
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,179
    Nottinghamshire
    I found it impossible to manage dad’s incontinence as he thought he was fine. He would be squelching up the hall saturated right down to his slippers and say he wasn’t wet! If he did admit to dampness it was spilt drinks, or someone coming in the house with a watering can...

    It’s only now that he’s in a carehome that he’s dry all the time.

    Sorry, I wish I could offer something useful
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    hi @Lady Eleanor
    I tend to agree - it sounds as though your mother would now benefit from 24 hour supervision, especially as you say she does use the toilet when she has visitors - good staff in a care home would learn to spot the signs that she needs 'to go' and direct/help her, and of course support her in keeping clean
    if you have LPAs in place and your mum is likely to be self funding for years, why not visit some local homes and discuss the situation with the manager
     
  5. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    Thank you for the advice. I have a social services assessment arranged for the 9th January 2019 & am currently looking at nursing homes. So my brother has been at my Mum's today steam cleaning her carpets, which he does most weekends. He was just finishing after doing it for 3 hours & she just stood up & wee'd herself & sat back in her chair! Honestly, I really don't know what to do now. Everything takes so long to arrange or investigate. The district nurse is doing a blood & urine test. Obviously timing is not great as it's Christmas & the social worker is away till the 9th January hence the assessment date.
     
  6. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    272
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    Have you tried putting toilet signs or a picture of a loo on the door of the toilet? Might be worth a try.
     
  7. malengwa

    malengwa Registered User

    Jan 26, 2017
    257
    Mum was like this and it led to many urine infections which ultimately hastened her decline.
    She just didn't know she had weed or would take off her clothes and stuff them down the radiator and then sit half naked. It was definitely time to look at care home, dad was with her but he just couldn't cope. Mum went from urine incontinence to doubly uncontentious very quickly, it doesn't happen like that for everyone though. For us it was the start of the end. For others it can be entering a new but long phase.
    I hope you find somewhere, that was my worst thing, finding a place for mum.
     
  8. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    376
    I agree with this as it might be helpful to your mum @Lady Eleanor however when I did this for my dad, it sort-of worked at first and then he started to urinate just below the sign itself which was on a staircase.

    That first post nearly described my dad's entry into incontinence too but I guess we've been 'lucky' that he sometimes tells us that he is wet and that he now tends to urinate in his tenas, his bed which now has a waterproof sheet, the garage or the toilet. Lately it's been the toilet than anywhere else.

    I also agree that 24hr care seems to be required for your mum. I'm thankful for a sibling who was able to move in with my dad without too much hindrance to his existing life schedule with other family members and I doing our part too, so that may be an option for you in addition to a care home placement.
     
  9. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    Thank you all for your advice, any is welcome & helpful. I have tried toilet signs & will try again but she just takes them down.
    I do know that I can do the nursing/care home route without social services but I thought it wouldn't do any harm.
    This week we've had poo put on the windowsill in the kitchen, in the kitchen bin then just on the lounge carpet which she trod in & walked everywhere! Nightmare. I spent Thursday on my hands & knees with carpet shampoo, dettol, flash & anything else I could think of & she just stood & watched me.
     
  10. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,771
    Female
    If your mother is self funding, you can go ahead and arranging a care home yourself (which is what I did). SS will probably slow down the process and any care home you choose will do their own assessment of your mother.

    My mother has been in a care home since February and the carers do a great or job managing continence for residents like my mother who doesn't know when she needs to go. She is on a rota to be taken to the loo every 2 hours (it's different for each resident). The only time she needs incontinence pads is at night.

    It was noticeable how well this works, because in June she spent 10 days in hospital. The staff there considered she was incontinent until I told them that she just wasn't able to ask. They treated her continence needs differently after that and she got taken to the loo.
     
  11. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    Thank you.This forum is keeping me sane. To know that there are so many of us going through the same issues helps immensely. Alzheimers is a cruel thing & my old Mum of a few years ago would be absolutely horrified to see what she has become.
     
  12. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    We had the social worker assessment yesterday & we are all in agreement that my mother needs to be in a home, my brother, myself & the social worker. Apparently it is down to us to find her a home whether it is for an interim period or long term! I was under the impression that social services had to find her somewhere whilst I look for something permanent. Bit confused, perhaps I shouldn't have gone them at all.
     
  13. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    If your mum is self funding, then to be frank, my experience is that SS in our area tend to leave finding a care home to families. We got a home for MIL ourselves looking at local homes via CQC website.
     
  14. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,728
    Female
    London
    No, it's great that she was reassessed and Social Services are not fighting you with regards to a care home placement. They should really have given you some addresses but they can't recommend a home or influence you, so when I had to make that decision I visited quite a few homes, including some the SW hadn't told me about. I told him the ones that were out of the question and the ones I would consider, and he then helped me get a room in one of them. Full disclosure - my OH was not just a bed blocker but a ward blocker - it was about to be closed down and the SW simply had to find him a bed ASAP, but it worked out in our favour.
    OH was not self-funding btw.
     
  15. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,771
    Female
    Did we establish that your mother is self-funding? If so then you will get no input from SS. I used

    https://www.carehome.co.uk/

    to find homes in the right location, and then looked at reviews and the CQC ratings. Visit a few and get a feel for what would be right for her. When you have chosen one, the manager will visit to assess her and ensure they can meet her needs.
     
  16. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    What a journey this is! As predicted as my mother is self funding we have been pretty much left to it by SS. They gave me a booklet of homes in her area & she hasn't completed the report. Heyho.
    So I have found a home we like & we think she'll be happy there. The assessment for the home is today & she could in theory go into the home quite quickly. I am very worried about the actual taking her there as she hasn't been out of the house for ages & totally refused when I tried to get her to come to my house for her birthday. We're telling her on the day she's going away for a break to enable us to decorate the house & change the carpets ( which isn't a lie ). The staff at the home say a lot of their dementia people think they're on holiday anyway & call it a holiday village. I absolutely know we're doing the right thing for all of us & we are very fortunate that she hasn't burned the house down with her smoking or just wandered off. Even with 3 carers a day there is a lot of time for her to get up to mischief, & she has, but nothing terrible yet.
     
  17. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    I'm pleased it has worked out positively for you . You're right, it's when she's on her own when the carers aren't there that the situation becomes unsafe
     
  18. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,771
    Female
    I was making these arrangements this time last year, and was worried about getting my mother to the care home - particularly because I was moving her to a CH near me, which was a 2.5 hour car journey. We told her she was going on a mini break by the sea, which she liked the sound of, and the journey was no problem until towards the end when she started feeling car sick. We got there just in time for lunch, the staff were very welcoming and kind, and I think she thought it was a hotel - anyway, she was perfectly happy for the couple of hours we were there with her. She did become more confused and upset when we left, but she settled fairly quickly, and now loves it.

    One important thing - we only told her an hour before we set off. If we'd told her in advance she would have got anxious about it (even if she didn't really remember what she was anxious about) and I wanted her to start off in a calm frame of mind. As it was such a long journey we also asked if her favourite carer could accompany her - fortunately the care agency manager was very happy to arrange this, which made it so much easier.
     
  19. Lady Eleanor

    Lady Eleanor Registered User

    Jul 1, 2015
    31
    West Wickham, Kent
    Thank you.
    My mother finally went into a care home on Saturday. We did the same, we didn't discuss it with her beforehand for obvious reasons. All went better than expected. We told her she was booked into hall grange while we decorated her house & replaced the carpets, which isn't a lie. We stayed awhile then left her going off to supper reasonably happy.
    The next morning I had a phone call from the home saying she had attacked 2 residents & 4 police cars & 2 paramedics were there. Turns out she had gone into the wrong room & told the lady in bed to get out & caught her arm & drew blood. Then she somehow broke a glass & was threatening to stab someone. Needles to say I am in total shock. She is & always has been a bit of a cross person but she has never hurt or threatened anyone. She has woken up in a strange place with no-one she knows around her. Every time since she went in she says "when am i going home"? letting her smoke has also not helped a lot either. Apparently yesterday evening she was eating faeces as well which to my knowledge she has never done before.
    The care home have said if this level of aggression continues they can't keep her there & that she will be taken to hospital via something called Telemed then transferred to a suitable home.
    This is turning into an absolute nightmare. Does anyone have any experience of this sort of situation?
     
  20. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    376
    Oh @Lady Eleanor I am just openmouthed as I read your last post. I've not been in such a situation so have nothing but my best wishes to convey to you as you go through what must be a terrible situation to be in.
    .
    I know I have read some posts of people whose dear ones have had an initial tough time when they first go into a care home and then settle after a short while. I hope the same happens with your mother. All the best xx
     

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