Hello.
Dad aged 81 is increasingly depressed from double incontinence. Bowel incontinence is less often. He gets frustrated and also angry. He doesn't believe its ok to expect someone to live with incontinence or that managing it with pull up pants and convenes is the answer. He feels nobody is really making any difference to his quality of life and also feels he is essentially being left to die like this. He doesn't want to die alone or with incontinence.
When he's down, he's really down. Refers to ending things, life not worth living, degrading etc etc and he says it with the lowest most depressing voice when like this. It's extremely sad to listen too. Sometimes he will leave me voice messages suggesting he's dying and he'll just die alone and uses a tone of voice as though to get at me, like its down to me to correct this. Like its somehow my fault. Dad has been diagnosed schizophrenia too (at age 75) but nobody knew about his dementia symptoms then as he lives alone and so i'm not convinced that diagnosis was correct but he does get very angry. I really tire of being made to feel this way just because he is and i've had the gp out to discuss anti-depressants and spoken with his mental health nurse. They've all spoken with dad about it but the outcome is that yes while he does feel really low during these episodes, he wouldn't actually take his own life and feels he copes well considering and so no anti depressants are prescribed. This just annoys me more. Why should i have to listen to such voice messages if nobody, including dad are going to do anything about it. What does sending me these worrying sometimes arrogant messages actually achieve? what is the aim here, apart from to make me feel responsible and worried. Its got to the point that I don't even feel worried, I just feel annoyed. I just think leave me alone!!!! ( I work, I'm a single parent to 3 teens who are testing me a lot right now to boot). and of course I'm 500 miles away. Please don't think i don't do much for dad. I do sooooo much daily. Technology has helped a great deal here. Its surprising how much can be done from so far. Practical stuff is done by carers and to be honest, even if i did live closer, i still wouldn't be doing practical toilet stuff with dad as that would feel very weird and wrong for me as father daughter relationship.
Anyway, as far as dad is concerned, the only thing that will help him is if' everyone starts working together' to 'stop' the incontinence, or at least manage it better. I don't know how anyone can manage it better? He's had many different brands of pull ups, pads, convenes etc. and had incontinence nurse out two or three times. He has 4 carer visits per day. I send automatic pop up screen reminders that show a big picture of a loo telling him to go try use the loo even if he doesn't need as this may avoid accidents/wet clothes. That pops up every 2 hrs throughout the day, everyday. Sometimes he leaves sarcastic voice messages about the reminder even though its always been there and we've discussed it and he's ok'd it with his approval. I don't want to patronise or offend dad so i always run things by him first as a suggestion.
As far as i'm aware, nothing will be offered surgically to dad for incontinence because of his age - plus the dementia. I may be wrong but everything i've read suggests that is the case. If I thought there was anything could be done surgically that could stop this for him, i'd book dad to have it done in a shot. even if it had to be private, but that would depend on cost. Has anyone had experience of more effective treatment for incontinence in some one this age (81)? I'd be keen to hear. sorry for the length.
Dad aged 81 is increasingly depressed from double incontinence. Bowel incontinence is less often. He gets frustrated and also angry. He doesn't believe its ok to expect someone to live with incontinence or that managing it with pull up pants and convenes is the answer. He feels nobody is really making any difference to his quality of life and also feels he is essentially being left to die like this. He doesn't want to die alone or with incontinence.
When he's down, he's really down. Refers to ending things, life not worth living, degrading etc etc and he says it with the lowest most depressing voice when like this. It's extremely sad to listen too. Sometimes he will leave me voice messages suggesting he's dying and he'll just die alone and uses a tone of voice as though to get at me, like its down to me to correct this. Like its somehow my fault. Dad has been diagnosed schizophrenia too (at age 75) but nobody knew about his dementia symptoms then as he lives alone and so i'm not convinced that diagnosis was correct but he does get very angry. I really tire of being made to feel this way just because he is and i've had the gp out to discuss anti-depressants and spoken with his mental health nurse. They've all spoken with dad about it but the outcome is that yes while he does feel really low during these episodes, he wouldn't actually take his own life and feels he copes well considering and so no anti depressants are prescribed. This just annoys me more. Why should i have to listen to such voice messages if nobody, including dad are going to do anything about it. What does sending me these worrying sometimes arrogant messages actually achieve? what is the aim here, apart from to make me feel responsible and worried. Its got to the point that I don't even feel worried, I just feel annoyed. I just think leave me alone!!!! ( I work, I'm a single parent to 3 teens who are testing me a lot right now to boot). and of course I'm 500 miles away. Please don't think i don't do much for dad. I do sooooo much daily. Technology has helped a great deal here. Its surprising how much can be done from so far. Practical stuff is done by carers and to be honest, even if i did live closer, i still wouldn't be doing practical toilet stuff with dad as that would feel very weird and wrong for me as father daughter relationship.
Anyway, as far as dad is concerned, the only thing that will help him is if' everyone starts working together' to 'stop' the incontinence, or at least manage it better. I don't know how anyone can manage it better? He's had many different brands of pull ups, pads, convenes etc. and had incontinence nurse out two or three times. He has 4 carer visits per day. I send automatic pop up screen reminders that show a big picture of a loo telling him to go try use the loo even if he doesn't need as this may avoid accidents/wet clothes. That pops up every 2 hrs throughout the day, everyday. Sometimes he leaves sarcastic voice messages about the reminder even though its always been there and we've discussed it and he's ok'd it with his approval. I don't want to patronise or offend dad so i always run things by him first as a suggestion.
As far as i'm aware, nothing will be offered surgically to dad for incontinence because of his age - plus the dementia. I may be wrong but everything i've read suggests that is the case. If I thought there was anything could be done surgically that could stop this for him, i'd book dad to have it done in a shot. even if it had to be private, but that would depend on cost. Has anyone had experience of more effective treatment for incontinence in some one this age (81)? I'd be keen to hear. sorry for the length.