Impossble situation - What do do? Please advise

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by MissDiane, Mar 15, 2015.

  1. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    I'm new to posting on TP but have found other's post comforting in that I am not alone in dealing with this awful cruel disease.

    Both mum and dad have it, to different degrees but both have deteriorated a lot very quickly.

    They live alone with carer's visiting 4 times a day but mum finds this invasive, and often tells them to leave or refuses to eat or have meds. She gets jealous of the carers who are pleasant and chirpy with Dad, and spends several hours a day accusing day of fancying them, having affairs with them, plotting to get rid of her. This is due to dad adding to her insecurities sometimes deliberately saying things to fuel the fire.

    Dad has cognitive impairment, and always says the wrong things, sometimes deliberately to wind mum up as some sort of revenge. He threatens to have mum locked up if she carries on accusing him, and this is her worst fear. He ignores her now most of the time and this understandably frustrates mum. They are housebound except for when I can take them out. They can't read due to being both partially sighted, dad just watches TV while mum has her delusions to cope with.

    They argue incessantly, ringing me up several times a day and now in the middle of the night. I suspect there may physical and verbal outbursts which would amount to abuse from both parties

    Dad had a TIA, then got ill on top of that, and is in hospital. Mum cannot cope, she cannot do anything for herself, is pretrified of anyone coming to the door, has virtually no short term memory, can't use the phone or lock or unlock a door. Basically totally reliant on others. Both are very unsafe physically and mum has fallen twice recently and dad's mobility is extremely poor.

    So dad's hoping to come home soon and says mum has to change, as he can't cope with her. Mum wants dad home. The reason he got so ill was he was so exhausted dealing with mum and often rang me for help, but they won't be separated. married 47 years.

    I fear for each of them, they don't work together, yet they don't want to be apart.

    Mum leaves the front door open, goes up stairs in the middle of the night even though she is very unstable on her feet and has no need to as her bedroom and bathroom are on the ground floor. SHe wanders around the house agitated following dad everywhere.

    They are terribly unhappy, but both won't do anything at all to help themselves. Turned down all the options of daycare, visiting service etc

    Who decides what happens to them, I have LPA for mum, and need to register dads. I feel this is such a massive decision for a daughter to make. I feel they need residential care, either together or apart. Together they would just fall out. I have no answers but I know if nothing is done then a disaster is imminent. How do I deal with this? They would never forgive me if they were separated but as soon as they are together again they will fight like cat and dog. Who should make this decision?
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Wow, just big Wow, that's just so much for you to cope with, they can't live together but they can't/shouldn't be made to live apart.
    All you can really do is go with your heart, see what the options are and do what you think best.
    That was very easy for me to say, I suspect it will be much harder for you to do, very much harder.
    Sorry I'm dumping it all on your broad shoulders but could you try a home together them together with an option of a split later, is all I can think.

    PS "Broad shoulders" is a metaphor I'm sure your shoulders are perfectly average
    PPS And you bum doesn't look big in that either
  3. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Ask for a home assessment before your father is discharged.

    Sounds like a nightmare situation, but you could explain to your dad that your mum Cant just 'change'. She is what she is, and is probably as unhappy as he is.

    Our situation was quite similar, mine were married just short of 60 years! Dad just couldn't grasp the idea that Mum wasn't being idle or difficult, arguementative or plain stubborn. It got very difficult because they too sniped at each other.

    Really don't know what the answer is.
  4. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Are you considering that the time might be approaching when residential care will be appropriate for one or both of your parents?
    If so, there are Care homes where couples can have a shared room if that would suit or perhaps, two separate rooms.
    It sounds as if this might be necessary in the near future even if not so immediately as both your parents need help.
    With your mother needing it more at present and your father being worn out with no hope of any relief from carers, maybe if your mother was to go into a Care home, your father would then agree to live there too.
    It would mean that their lives can continue to be shared but their day to day needs would be catered for.
    Please forgive me if this is not what you are considering.
  5. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hi missDiane

    Understand to some degree. My dad has dementia with lewy bodies..but is my mums carer. She has spine and lung problems and suffers with depression. After 30 yrs of caring for her and 49 yrs of marriage there are times when they are the worst thing for each mother when fussing about collars and matching clothes..and he doesnt know what day of the week it is..

    From a daughters point of view..when my dad says things like id like to go there or somewhere else..when we attend avtivities run by the alzheimers society at care homes facilities near mum says your not going anywhere!..i always say if he needs to get extra help and thats whats best for him then thats what he gets..wether we like it or not! mum would see it as failing..but at the end of the day he would never admit he couldnt cope looking after her to the point of making himself more ill..
    Thats cruel to see..and horrendous for the family to see..we want better for both of them....
    Its so hard..

    Best wishes

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
  6. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Difficult as it is, I too see this as your way forward, I've been making inquiries for my in-laws, and have found that having both in the same Home is possible.

  7. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    #7 Angela T, Mar 17, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2015
    Yes I visited a number of residential and nursing homes for my mother, and some do cater for couples - in single rooms or in a double room when there are larger rooms. From what you are saying it sounds like it would be impossible to separate your parents, and yes, it is a massive decision for a daughter. We become the parents of our parents, nothing prepares us for this.

    Get all the help you can - I rely on the professionals for these difficult decisions, and I try to look after myself too - it is easy to get swallowed up by our parents' dementia. For you, with both parents to consider, that could easily happen.

    Take care,
  8. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Thank you so much everyone for your advice and support I means a lot. Dad has got really confused now in hospital, wandering the ward looking for mum having delusions that the nurses told him an old man in another bed was his wife, and in this confused state he assaulted the man in an attempt to prove it was not his wife,and they had to do an incident report. He even said that women needs thousands of pounds spending on her, look at the state of her (the man)!I don't understand the deterioration in his mental health as he was the one that could think reasonably clearly out of the two of them. I think the stress of being apart hasn't helped. Social Services are not really helping, I speak to so many different people. I will ask for a home assessment and I think a care home for both of them might work, and they can be assessed from there.
  9. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    Good luck. Fingers crossed the right solution comes along soon.
  10. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    I know it's difficult, you have a situation, that has official reports attached to it. Use them to back up your need, to have both of them, together in a safe place.

  11. marsaday

    marsaday Registered User

    Mar 2, 2012
    It could be that, if you found a home that would take them both, then having their immediate care needs properly met would diffuse a bit of the tension between them and they may settle well and draw comfort from each other's presence. If, that is, they ever did get along in the first place...

    I know where you are coming from having had 2 waring parents living in the same house - 1 dementia and 1 alcoholic, with accusations of mis-treatment etc. I would never want to go back to those days when they expected me to sort everything out for them. It was one of the worst periods in my life.
    Suffice to say I got SS involved and they weren't long in making a decision for me. Painful, but easier than making it yourself. Mum was removed into care and dad remained in the house until he died a year later after refusing all outside help. Though no dementia he was a very physically unwell addict.

    Sadly some situations necessitate a move to care sooner rather than later.
    I wish you luck.

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