I'm New

[WelshJeannie]

Hi
I'm new on here. I have been reading threads for a couple of months and decided I needed to join you.
Both my parents have dementia. I guess my mum is in the later stages. She is in a nursing home and has no sitting balance. She doesn't speak anymore and certainly shows no signs of recognising me. She was diagnosed about 6 years ago. My dad was Sectioned at Christmas after a very difficult couple of years of him denying anything was wrong. He is now on Section 117 in EMI home. The situation is constantly on my mind. It's my first waking thought. Their affairs are in a terrible mess and I haven't got POA so I am in the process of taking out CP for both of them. I don't know how I could have made their lives better. I really found it impossible to cope with my father and often I feel a failure and incredibly guilty. Other times I'm so angry that I've been left with such a mess and sometimes I'm just plain sad. I'd welcome your support here.
WelshJeannie
X

 

[Linda Mc]

Welcome Jeannie to talking point I am sure you will find lots of help here.

I too am in North Wales and we have Admiral Nurses here in Flintshire a great source of help for you if you too live here.

If not have you tried your local branch of the Alzheimer's Society or the Princess Royal Trust for carers.

How difficult it must be for you with both parents to care for.

Linda x

 

[x-lauren-x]

Hiya
Welcome to TP! its really good youve found the webiste- i know when i did it really helped me and my mum, just having someone to talk to or somewhere just to empty your head has been really helpful to us. Sorry to hear about your situation, i know how you feel about feeling guilty and trying to think of things you could have done to improve the situation- i think there are a lot of people who feel the same on here and im sure youll get talking to everyone soon when i feel guilty or upset i try to think about the good that has come of the situation and the decisions weve made so far- we felt so bad placing my uncle in a home but now when we look back on it his life is so much better in there- he has all the help he needs and a lovely room, we go in and visit him spending quality time with him instead of having to carry out all the chores we used to have to do when he was at home i think this made a big difference to both of us.
Altough it seems impossible at first, i found taking one day at a time - i think i lived by the motto 'tomorrow is another day'- dont give up, for every bad day comes a good one
sorry for such a long post - hope everything starts to look up for you soon,
lv lauren xxxxx

 

[Scottie45]

Hi Jeannie

1st of all welcome to TP,so sorry to hear about your mum and dad,that must have been very hard for you to deal with.All the feelings you are having are only natural,you have done your best by your parents,it isn,t always possible to keep people at home,you need lots of support and depending where you live sometimes there is not much help.I think you made all the right decsions about your parents and what was best for them,in this horrible disease you also have to think about yourself and you are not being selfish.I am sorry you have such a mess to sort out with your parents affairs but you will.Take care Marian x

 

[susiesue]

Hello Jeannie

Welcome to TP!

You really do have a lot on your plate - I only have my husband and I find that hard enough to cope with!

You are very lucky if you have Admiral Nurses in your area as Linda says. I know of someone else who has an Admiral Nurse visit her and she says she couldn't cope without them, apparently they are wonderful - just wish we had them here!

I'm sure you will work your way through this and please try not to feel guilty - although I know exactly what you mean!

Take care

Love

 

[Margaret W]

Hi WelshJeanie

What do you mean you are wanting to take out CP for both of them? What is CP?

Ditch the guilt if you can. You are doing your best for mum and dad, what else can you do, and who else would do it? If your difficulties are financial, consult the CAB pronto, or even discuss on here if you don't mind. Most of us have experience of financial prolems, and whilst we are not experts we might be able to advise on what questions to ask when you go to consult an adviser.

Love

Margaret

 

[Tender Face]

I don't know how I could have made their lives better. I really found it impossible to cope with my father and often I feel a failure and incredibly guilty. Other times I'm so angry that I've been left with such a mess and sometimes I'm just plain sad.

Welsh Jeannie ... what a situation for you ... and well done on what I personally see as a very brave post - it takes something to admit to all the horrible, negative emotions that are going on for people .... but that is what TP is so good at .... you are in company that understands ......

I hope you will find a wealth of support here....

Karen, x

 

[WelshJeannie]

Many thanks for your welcome. Margaret - CP is Court of Protection. My parents money is frozen at the moment so I can't pay any bills. I haven's got EPOA so I am trying to do CP myself without a solicitor.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Jeanie

Here are a couple of links especially for carers which might help.

The Princess Royal Trust for carers may be able to provide an advocacy to help your application to the CP.

http://www.carers.org/

And even if you don`t have access to your own Admiral Nurse you can get telephone advice


Admiral Nursing Direct 0845 257 9406
Tuesday 10-4 6-9
Thursday 6-9
Email fordementia.org.uk

 

[Heather777]

Welcome

WelshJeannie, I can't really add much more than the others. However, I can say that I understand your situation. Both my parents have dementia as well. My mum has been diagnosed for 3 years and has been moved to a care home 3 weeks ago. Although I have been caring for her, her needs are now too complex. She is very depressed and I feel so guilty when she asks to go home. My dad was taken into a mental health unit 2 weeks ago, although they were going to section him in the end he was very compliant and so I was able to take him willingly. Although when he got there he kicked up a right fuss.

It is hard with one parent but two is tough. Although I now don't have the physical care to think about I am surprised about the level of emotional upheaval it causes. Neither asks about the other and when you talk about them there is no spark of recognition even though they both know who we are.

As I say, there is nothing I can say to make your situation any easier but that you aren't alone, each person faces lots of different issues but be assured that you are thought of at this time.

Heather

 

[Christinec]

Hi Jeannie,
Welcome to TP which is a wonderful source of support and information.

Sometimes whatever you do in a situation is not going to be good and that seems to me to be the way with this disease. You will have done the best you can and that is all you can do. My own situation involves both parents although only my Mum has been diagnosed with the disease. We did not start of as a close happy family and despite my doing my best the situation now is not one anyone would want BUT I do not think anything I could have done would have made it any better and at least my Mum is safely looked after now in a residential home.

You say that you experience feelings of guilt, anger, failure and sadness. I have had and continue to have all of these. If it is any consolation I doubt if anyone involved with dealing with someone with this disease can escape without these feelings.
Remind yourself about all the things you have done or tried to do and try to accept that you are only human and only had a tiny bit of control in this horrible situation and that you did what you could reasonably do.

I had counselling support from my local Alzheimers group and I think it probably saved my sanity. My poor husband and children were starting to really worry about me. You need to take all the help you can get to support yourself to deal with how you are feeling.
Wishing you all the best.

 

[WelshJeannie]

Thank you all for your kind encouragement. I have spoken to a number of organisations about the financial mess my parents have left but everyone I have spoken to has said the situation seems much too complicated for them to advise on and I think I will have to get a specialist solicitor when the CP comes through.
Christinec I can identify with you. Although to the outside world my father appears to be charming and generous, the reality is totally different. This really messes up emotions.