I'm new to all this and having a stress!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by xlaineyx, Oct 22, 2007.

  1. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    Hello, I'm new to this site. I'm having a stress of a day. Maybe I should start from the begining. My Dad had been diagnosed with vascular dementia he is 69. It was only last week he was diagnosed. It has taken us one and a half years to get this far! We have not been offered any help and are waiting for a psychologist to do some more tests on a home visit. What started off as simple memory loss has now turned in to paranoia and aggression. My mum did very little talking when they went to the memory clinic as she is not the kind of woman to ask for any help. She had a list a mile long but was scared to mention anything about it as she did not want to upset my Dad. Today I found out that he tried to strangle her on Saturday. For the past 2 weeks he has been accusing her of having affairs with all kinds of men. This could be no further from the truth as my Mum wants a quiet life and she is happy doing a crossword or some knitting. He has been getting verbally agressive with her and then he became phyisical over the weekend. He attacked her on Saturday and she didn't mention anything to me or my sisters. Then he attacked her on Sunday evening again, throwing furniture around. This time she left and went to my sisters and she told her everything that has been going on over the past few weeks. She said it got to the point where she was writing letters for us all in case he killed her. We have always been a very close family and it breaks my heart knowing that this situation is not going to get any better. My Dads behaviour has gone back to how it was when they first married 47 years ago. He was very jealous and possesive and hated anyone looking at my Mum. We have offered to get more help for our mum but she said its ok beacuse today he said he was sorry again. But who do we ask for help? His GP or the consultant at the memory clinic (who my sister said was very nice but not really that helpful) Or the psychologist who is going to do the home visit whenever the appointment come through. I want to do more to help my Mum but she does not like to put on me as I have 4 year old twins to run around after. The worse part of my Dads dementia has been his speech, almost like he knows what he wants to say but can't find the right words and forgetfullness names, keys etc. He is still very active though and is always out and about and pottering in the garden. Its been such a stress of a day on and off the phone all day to my sisters and checking up on my Mum and Dad. He has not been put on any medication for the dementia but he is on tablets for heart problems, cholesterol, and diabetes. Is there any form of medication he can take for the aggression? What is the best thing we can do to help? Where do we start? Help!
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Hello xlaineyx,
    Welcome to Talking Point. You really have to get some help urgently due to your Dad's behavious. Doctor, Consultant, Social Worker. Can you get the list of of your Mother that she had? Perhaps you could ask the questions for her. I know itis putting extra responsibility on you and you have little ones. At the moment he is unfortunately getting violent with your Mother. As a Mother and Grandmother myself, you must think of your childrens' safety. Due to the nature of this herrendous illness, we have to think ahead the best we can.
    Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
    Very best wishes. Christine
  3. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Lainey welcome to TP.

    This is a terrible situation for you and your sister, all this would be horrendous on your poor mum. Your mum mustn't allow your dad to treat her this way even though I know she is probably scared for him and trying to protect him.

    Help is available and Christine has pointed you in the right direction. Your dad's behaviour must be addressed immediately before he hurts your mum.

    I hope that this situation can be sorted out quickly for all concerned. Best Wishes Taffy.
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear lainey

    Welcome to TP. I echo what Christine and Taffy have said -- you need to get help for your mum, and quickly. If you can possinly get hold of a copy of that list, it will help the doctor to understand the seriousness of the situation.

    It sounfs as if your dad may have FTD, though I'm not a doctor, and only a consultant can diagnose. You'll find more information on the AS factsheet:


    There is medication that may control the aggression, but again, only the doctor can advise on that. The important thing is to get some help.

    I know it's hard for you, with your young twins to look after, but there is help out there, and support here on TP. Take as much of both as you can get.

    Good luck,
  5. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    HI Lainey and welcome

    It is an horrendous situation you find yourself in. I was there a few years back but luckily my Mum was more verbally abusive to me.

    I also had young twins at the time and trying to find the time to make the necessary phone calls during the day can be a nightmare but if your sister can't I think that you must, to urgently get help for your Mum to ensure her safety. Try speaking to the GP first of all and explain everything that your sister has told you directly to the GP. If they will not act try the consultant or SW. Insist that they some and see your father urgently.

    Until a support structure is put in place it is very very scary as you just do not know where to turn for help. Luckily everyone on here has such good advice. I just wish I had found this board 6 years ago.


  6. debby13

    debby13 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    Hi and welcome to the site! I only joined last week and have found it helpful already! My Dad is 74 and it probably took us 3 years to get him diagnosed (at first they thought it was depresssion) so dont despair! there are most certainly drugs out there for the aggression (my Dad had similar episodes), the only downside of taking them unfortunately is the zombie like state that lots of these drugs induce. Get to the docs and ask him while you wait for the psychiatrist. Your poor mum she sounds very like mine as in unable to ask for help until it is at breaking point. All you can do is try to find out as much as you can about the illness and to get her some support at home so that she can go out and get a break from it all etc. I also have twins who are 2 years old so I know how hard it is to split your time and give everyone the help they need.....sometimes you just cant be everywhere at the same time. My approach is to look after my Mum (my Dad is in respite now for a few weeks) to give her the best quality of life I can. With Dad all we can hope is to manage it and not hope for too much from him.

    Take care and big hugs

    Debbie xxx
  7. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    Update on My Dad

    Well its been a couple of weeks since my first post on here. My Dad had begun to calm down and my mum didn't want any of us to contact his GP about what had been going on. Anyway he was having problems with his breathing again so he went to the GP about that (my Dad has heart problems, angina, asthma and diabetes) The docs sent him to hospital and he has been there for a couple of days having tests. My mum got a call at 4am saying my dad was upsetting the other patients and being agressive. The doctor on the ward was discharging him and could my mum come and get him (at 4am) My mum explained briefly about his aggression at home and how he had strangled her. On hearing this the doc decided he could stay. When we went to visit my dad at the hospital today he was sat on the edge of his bed watching the other patients on the ward like an animal ready to pounce. All the time we were trying to make conversation but he was not listening and was looking at the corner of his eye at the other patients. he said he could hear them whispering about him (even though my dad is hard of hearing and cannot always hear what you are saying even when you are sat next to him)
    We tried to talk with the nurse but my dad wouldn't let us have a private word. He was telling us that the man in the bed opposite him had said he was going to steal his name off him. Then he said the same man has pulled a wire onto himself and burned his head and arms (which he clearly had not) and there was a woman in the toilet on the ward washing herself with toilet roll and my dad said they needed to get the police! When I finally got to have a private word with the nurse she could not tell me much about what had happened in the night as she was not on duty. They moved my dad to a private room for the safety of the other patients. They said it was all they could do until the doctor on duty did his rounds. The ward he is on is a respritory ward for his breathing problems so they don't specailise in this kind of thing. They said they would contact his consultant at the memory clinic to come and see him but just because my dad is already an in patient it does not mean he is priority and he might not get seen.
    My sister tried all day to get someone from the memory clinic to contact her but they never did. She did speak to a lady who trains carers about alzheimers (my sister works in intermediate care and went on this training course a few months ago for work) She told my sister to ask to speak to the ward manager and if they try to discharge him without the problem being treated my mum can refuse to take him home. We are trying to get a hospital social worker to give us some advice. I can't believe it has come to this and still we have not been offered any help or advice even now he is in hospital. My sisters are visiting tonight with my mum so they can talk to the nurses because my mum is still scared of repercussion from my dad if she does the talking! I will try and keep you updated. Thank you already from all that have given support and advice.
  8. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    Dear xlaineyx,i read your post and thought it was me writing it.My dad has just been diagnosed at 69,he and mum have been married for 47 years.How uncanny is that?Dads not aggressive as yet but does have his moments.I hope you can stand youe ground and insist you speak to the memory clinic.You have to have an ide like rhino with this disease.love elainex
  9. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    #9 xlaineyx, Nov 1, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2007
    My real name is also Elaine... even more uncanny! Hopefully when my sisters get back from visiting tonight they will pop round with some answers. x
  10. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Elaine.please let us know.Uncanny to say the least that the similarities are the same let alone the name!lots of love elainex
  11. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007

    I have just spoken to my sisters. They managed to speak to a senior nurse who said that he was being treated for a chect infection and his notes said he was ready for discharging tomorrow. However after speaking with my sisters she said she will get the doctors to review the discharge until they have spoken to the condultant dr at the memory clinic. She agreed that he would be a danger to himself and my mum if he was to go home. He seems a bit more settled since being put in a private room. It seems last night he was convinced he knew the guy in the bed opposite and they never used to get on and this man had an accident which left him with burns. He said this man was threatening to kill the other patients and my dad was trying to protect them but in doing so he was upsetting them. But we still don't know where the woman in the toilets come into it!
    It was very frightening to see him like that and his own fear and paranoia had my heart thumping. My sister said he was almost crying tonight when he was telling her what happened because in his head it did happen and it was real. My sister also said they were to phone her before they discharge him as unlike my mum, she will not accept a discharge without some resolve on the matter. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day lets hope its a good one.
  12. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    More uncanny similarites!

    Hello again Elaine!
    At least our similarites are having me smiling! My In-laws live in Leigh Lancs! I'm there almost every weekend with the twins! Small world. Anyway, lets hope both our Dads get all the help and care they deserve for their sakes and our mums! Love Elaine x
  13. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    My Mother had VD and also got very aggressive and hit me and she simply could not find the words for anything majority of the time either

    When she collapsed and was taken into hospital she was considered unfit to go home solely because of the level of her Dementia .......they called in a Physcho Geriatrician from the secure EMI unit who said she needed assesment for sectioning ..........(however she died just 10 days later from effects of C Diff infection)

    Clearly this kind of assesment is what is needed for your Father

    Your Mother is at serious risk as things stand and she simply must be protected
  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    dear xlaineyx,r u aving a laff.pleasempost me privatley if need be.I know thw world and his wife in Leigh.am giddy now.love elaine
  15. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    Todays update on my dad.

    My dad is still in the hospital on the respitory ward. His chest is fine, it was a chest infection so he is classed as medically fit to go home. They have however kept him in because they could not get anyone to see him from the memory clinic until today. He has been put on Aricept (we were originally told by his consultant that his dementia was not the kind to be treated with drugs?) and he is on amisulpride for the aggression. My sister saw on his notes something about haloperidol (she thinks this will be given when required when he is out of control) I'm saying he has been put on them... they have not recieved the drugs yet from the hospital pharmacy and won't until the morning. My dad himself seems more like his old self... chatty (when he can find the right words) he still talks about the incident on the ward and now he thinks the tea lady is slipping something into his brew because his lips and moth feel sore after a drink!
    The consultant at the memory clinic wants to admit him to be assessed over a period of time. I know this is what he needs but I also know my dad won't be happy about this. He has obviously forgotten about his memory problem but every day he asks about his gall bladder (he is waiting for an appointment for treatment for that!)
    All these messages are being passed on via nurses on the ward he is in, nobody yet from the memory clinic has spoken to any of the family. I think we finally have a social worker assigned to us but we have yet to see them. So its still an ongoing progress. My mum is visiting twice a day but when me and my sisters are working she has get 2 buses to go and see him (although we will not allow her to do this at night) we are lucky we all live close together and we have got nephews and other family to help when they can.
    Anyway, thats my update on my Dad.
  16. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    You are the second person tonight that I have cried about. I can't help at all, can't advise, it seems certain that your dad needs help, I hope you get it soon. All I can say is keep pushing. It would be nice to think that the NHS does it for us, but they don't, so keep on, love.

    Stay strong

  17. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    Yet Another Update!

    My Dad has now been moved off the respiritory ward to the unit that deals with dementia. Up on arriving there he said... I'm not stopping here, and having been there myself I can understand why. It looks like we have stepped back 20 years in time. The whole unit stinks of urine. Its a dismal, dirty, smelly... to put it politely its a complete s***hole! Its so called being refurbished and it sure needs it. On his first night there the heating was not working. The ward my dad is on has about 4 beds in it and they each have a wardrobe. My dads bed had only a sheet on to cover him... no blankets or quilts. He said he was so cold last night in bed he had to pull his jumper over his head to keep warm. He also only has one pillow. He has a bad chest and needs to be a bit more propped up in bed. When my sister asked for another pillow for him the response she got was... I will see what we can do they are like gold dust in here!!
    On the night he arrived one of the staff asked if he was going to bed and my Dad said he liked a warm drink before bed and a biscuit. They said... oh you are to late for that. My dad said I think you better read my notes I'm a diabetic and I need something to eat! Reluctantly they made him a drink. The staff just do not seem to care!
    There are 10 women and 5 men on the unit and I have to say the other patients look like they are in far advanced stages of dementia. Most of them sitting in their chairs or just wandering around looking like nobody owns them. Even my dad said (in his words) a lot of them in here are cuckoo and its a real shame for them.
    I'm concerned that my dad is going to deteriorate very fast if he stays in there. He is in for assessment and they said that it can be up to 6 weeks or longer that they stay.
    The only thing that needed addressing was the aggression. He has been put on amisulpride and he does seem a lot like his old self. The doctor who is his consultant will not be visiting the unit until Wednesday. We are trying to arrange a meeting with him and his social worker who we have yet to meet. I tried to explain to the staff there that my Dad was no way at all a geriactric old man. Up until him being admitted into hospital a couple of weeks ago with a chest infection he was still driving! He went out every day either for walks or to the shops, out for lunch with my mum. He is very active and able bodied and is still more than capable of doing day to day things.
    I discussed this all with my sister this evening after her first visit and she totally agrees. Our aim is to get him well enough to come home. I think if he stays there he will become depressed or catch some superbug because the place is filthy. My sister is a manager in an intermediate care home and she said in all her years of working in care has she never come across such a dirty, depressing place. She has just completed a training course in alzheimer's and dementia for her job. She scored 100% in the exam and has been invited to a presentation to recieve an award.
    Anyway, thats tonights rant over. I will keep you updated.
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Lainey

    I`m sorry your father is in such depressing conditions. I don`t know what you can do, as it is out of my experience, but I would make a note of all the things you are unhappy about, just in case you need something to refer to in the future.

    Love xx
  19. xlaineyx

    xlaineyx Registered User

    Oct 22, 2007
    Yet another update on my Dad

    Well my Dad has been in the assessment unit for about a week now. From day one he said he didn't want to be in there. We just kept telling him to just be patient as we needed to speak to his consultant Dr who was going to be there Wednesday. We even booked in an appointment with him. Both my sisters were going with my Mum to see him. One of my sisters even booked a day off work especially to go. Well guess what... the Dr cancelled. He didn't even go on the assessment unit at all. He only goes once a week so now we have to wait another week to see him. One of my sisters will be on holiday and the other is back on her week on at work (she is a live in carer)So I have to book the day off work to go and see him with my Mum. Not that I mind but the plan was to go in as a family to give each other support.
    Its really depressing my Dad to be in there. There is no stimulation for him what so ever. The behaviour of the other patients is upsetting him. He was quite cheerful the first few days of being in there because he was hoping after seeing the DR he would get the all clear to go home and be assessed there. Now he is getting upset, crying and being moody. He hates being cooped up. My dad loves nothing more than a walk in the fresh air. He never sits around at home moping but thats all he does in there. As a family we all think he would be better at home. Are we expecting to much? Would he be better at home? They said assessing him could take up to 8 weeks in there. I think he would go crazy if he stays much longer. Him being away from home is agrivating him more than helping.
    I'm so cheesed off to put it politely. What kind of place only has a Dr visiting once a week! And it still stinks of urine!
  20. okmurrays

    okmurrays Registered User

    Oct 17, 2007
    kelowna, bc, canada
    Your messages sound horribly familiar, as I think my dad is going the same way. He forgets why he's being treated, loses things, wrote off the car by fiddling with it, and he's increasingly aggressive to my mum, then he breaks down in tears if she gets upset.
    I do feel for you so much. Keep us posted how he and you, go on. My dad's on Aricept too. Not sure what else though as my mum is loathe to say much over the phone as he's listening.
    Awful situation.
    Thinking of you
    Sharon From Canada

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