I'm new and could do with a shoulder to cry on

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by fazerlass, Nov 9, 2010.

  1. fazerlass

    fazerlass Registered User

    Nov 9, 2010
    Hi everyone,
    I'm sitting here crying my eyes out as I do most days. Dad has advanced prostate cancer which has now spread to his liver and bones. Mam has vascular dementia suffering from the usual mood swings, memory loss, random actions (doesn't even know dad has cancer, keeps telling him there is nothing wrong with him, kicking him when he collapses on floor etc.).
    I was living and working in Scotland but had to give up job , friends and sell home to come back and help sister with care.
    My sister and I take turns to be on duty but other than that she wants no contact with me, not that we hate each other it's just that she doesn't want to talk about it at all. Most I get is the occasional text messages!
    I am at the lowest point I have ever been in my life, other than my husband, who is wonderful, I have no-one to talk to.
    Carers come in for a few mins morning and night but mam just chases them as she doesn't want anyone in the house.
    They have an emergency button but last time dad collapsed (he gets regular urine/kidney infections, been in hospital 10 times in last 4 months)he was telling her to press red button, she was pressing red button on remote control! She is unable to use the phone any more as she doesn't like speaking to people, jumbles her words.
    Any advise anyone? I would love someone to talk to, I don't want to end up on anti-depressents or hanging from the rafters (I've thought about it!!)
    Sorry to ramble on.....
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello and welcome, sad though it is that you need to be here.

    It seems to me three people need urgent assessment by Social Services. Firstly YOU as you appear to be at breaking point (and do not be afraid to admit to the services). Then it seems wrong that your parents are unable to help each other. Your Dad needs care and your Mother's lack of understanding is preventing that. There should be a best interest meeting for both of them.

    Please get onto your/their GP, to Social Services and the Mental Health Team dealing with your Mother. You may have to harass them to get anywhere but you do deserve alot of support.

    If necessary declare that
    that may get someone to act quickly and many carers have to resort to such declarations.

    But please remember that TP is here - you will make many friends who totally understand how you feel.

    Take care and stay with us.
  3. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    Hi fazerlass,

    Welcome to Talking Point (TP) though I'm sorry it has to be under such difficult circumstances.

    TP is a wonderful source of support and understanding and we are available 24/7, every day of the year.

    It sounds like you could also really do with a chat to an understanding person, so I would really recommend that your ring the Alzheimer's Society's Helpline as soon as you can:


    It would also be a great idea to contact your local AS branch, the Sunderland area has a Carer Support service that looks ideal:


    I'm sure that other TP members will be along to welcome you shortly.

    Take care,
  4. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    #4 AlsoConfused, Nov 9, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2010
    Dear Fazerlass

    Hope you've now made the first 'phone calls to get you, your sister, your Dad and your Mum the help you all so badly need. You're trying to carry an impossible load at present, one that most people would have run away from.

    I'm sure the Helpline will already have mentioned the Samaritans - you'll need a range of people you can talk to at any time of the day or night, just to help you hang on until all the problems get sorted out.

    Best wishes
  5. florence43

    florence43 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2009
    We're here

    Dear Fazerlass,

    What an amazing sacrifice you have made for your parents, and what a wonderful daughter you must be. I'm so sorry to read about how difficult life is for you all. The loneliness can be suffocating and that's where we can help you change things for the better. This forum is your friend, adviser and therapist rolled into one, and it's available to you 24 hours a day, with immediate response.

    You will find the support here gets you through the good and bad days and give you strength you didn't know you had. Let Talking Point be your anti-depressant, and you will find you will get through these difficult days.

    You can use it to moan, rant, ask specific questions, get general advice, educate yourself about the illness, see how others have coped, adopt their methods, you can even laugh! It's amazing how much comradery keeps this site going, (and all it's users).

    My dad had lung cancer and my mum suffered (still does) from dementia. I didn't think there could be a sadder situation. One with the body and one with the brain. It didn't work well, and I can relate to your description of the alarm button. Mum wouldn't have had a clue. Dad would ask for the phone, mum would bring milk. It was awful for both of them.

    But the days passed, we all "managed" with the support of a care package (social services), and all, but dad, are still here to tell the tale.

    Don't know how we'd have done it without TP (Talking Point). So here we are...for YOU! I hope to see you around the site, and see if we can help in any way possible to lighten the load. You are not alone...x

    Sending love and support,
  6. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    Hi Fazerlass. Welcome to TP. What a difficult situation for you. I know you'll find plenty of us here, who are happy to listen and help if we can. Please take Jan and Sandy's advice. I can highly recommend contacting your local Alz society support worker. They'll give you loads of local support and advice. Please keep talking on here. We'll always listen.
  7. TiredofHants

    TiredofHants Registered User

    Oct 15, 2008
    Hi Fazerlass

    Welcome to TP! I'm fairly new here myself but have found the support brilliant and I'm sure you will too.

    I was worried about whingeing but get everything off my chest has really helped to clear my head, and I feel less isolated than i did before.

    I hope you can get at least part of the situation you are in resolved. Have you thought about contacting one of the carers assoc? The one here is called the princess royal carers trust but I'm sure there will be similar near you. They are great about helping you access extra support and finding out stuff for you.

    Sending you a big hug .... sounds like you need it
  8. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
  9. Christin

    Christin Registered User

    Jun 29, 2009
    Just wanted to send you a hug.

    I hope you have called the helpline and that they have been able to point you in the right direction for some help. You certainly do have a whole load on your plate but help is out there. You just have to shout for it sometimes. There is nothing wrong in saying you can't cope!

    If not for yourself your father clearly needs help. Has your mother ever had any contact with the Mental Health Team? I would contact your father's GP and ask for a very urgent visit.

    Very best wishes to you. xx
  10. angelmarbella

    angelmarbella Registered User

    May 29, 2010
    Marbella, Spain
    You poor thing! My Dad had the same form of cancer as yours does and had to deal with his illness as well as Mum's erratic behaviour caused by her dementia which he never really accepted so I know how you feel.

    Sending you very big HUGS
  11. muriel.elliott

    muriel.elliott Registered User

    Aug 21, 2010
    You really do deserve lots of hugs and i am sure there are an awful lot out there giving you one right now.
    Do not be afraid to shout! for help as long as you need to and as loud as you want!.
    There is no shame in admitting that you cannot cope. Some people would have cracked before now!
    If you like a drink of wine or whatever, pour yourselve a large one. I am drinking one right now and i drink to you and to give you some strength.
    Love and hugs Muriel x
  12. Mo_N

    Mo_N Registered User

    Oct 29, 2009
    South East Essex
    Just wanted to send you a comforting hug ( sorry it's only a virtual one).

    There is always someone here whatever the time, day, night, weekends, bank holidays so you need never feel alone.

    Hope it helps to know we all care about you.
  13. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Fazerlass

    I can so emphasise with you as this is more or less an identical story to my own. I hated to see Mum treating Dad so badly, but she just didn't realise what she was doing. She also hated anyone coming in to help, and refused to eat anything that the carers prepared.

    We arranged for Dad to go to a hospice for a day a week just for respite really - he had his lunch cooked for him, had a bath and he got to meet and talk to others suffering as he was. A friend used to sit with mum while Dad was out.

    If I remember correctly, Dad had something that he wore which he was able to press if he had a fall - can't remember the company unfortunately.

    I'm so sorry that your sister won't talk about it with you - I'm lucky to have 2 brothers and 2 sisters to talk to.

    We also arranged for them to go to a home for a couple of days so they could be looked after - mum wasn't happy, but they were looked after for a few days and dad had a bit of a break.

    Make sure you ring SS as others have suggested.

    Take care


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