I feel I should have done more. Mum died on 17th January last, so tiny and frail as she couldn't swallow - or speak. She knew me right up to the end which I know was a massive blessing for me but her eyes were fixed on me and she looked to me for her only help and I couldn't do anything. I felt an overwhelming responsibility as I was her only child. I was always trying to find out what she was thinking or if she was frightened or wanted to tell me something but couldn't get through and she couldn't communicate except for her eyes. She was so different to the Mum that brought me up, I'm glad my Dad didn't have to see her deteriorate in this way, it would have broken his heart. He died in 2009 but I feel I lost them both at the same time and Mum was diagnosed in the same year. Please someone - tell me it gets easier to bear and this guilt will ease. I have good and bad days as most people and just get one with it. I have nothing but total admiration for people that can look after their parents at home, my Mum was in a wonderful care home.
I'm just one of the many that have lost someone...
- Thread starter Kathy Greaves
- Start date
Kathy, Yes it is early days, I lost Mum on 22nd Feb and like you have good days and bad days. Everyone says it will get easier and I suppose I now have days without tears that wasn't the case a month ago. We all know we have done everything we possibly could but those harsh memories still return. All I can say is I am looking constantly for the good memories to hold onto. I found making a photo album on here to share with others who understand did help. Also one day to talk to someone who can understand the bitterness of especially the last few days but not got there yet. Above all you must not feel guilty, (easier said I know) , hoping it's a good day for you. Take care Katherine xx
Hello Kathy, I've just read your post and felt for you. I was my Mum's only child too so understand how you felt the responsibility. Just wanted to say I'm 2 1/2 years' further down the line from you, also dealt with difficult circumstances around my Mum's death. The first few months whenever I tried to go to sleep I was haunted by the look on her face those last few days and, rather like you, haunted by the guilt that I should have made it all somehow better. Those feelings are so difficult to handle, but need to be expressed. I personally found TP so helpful in coming to terms with everything. I'm very sure you did the best you could at that time for your mother.
So it's now time to be kind to yourself. Do the things you enjoy. I chatted to my Mum about everything new I was doing as if she were still here! Of course you will still feel your loss, but in time you do learn to live with it. xx
So it's now time to be kind to yourself. Do the things you enjoy. I chatted to my Mum about everything new I was doing as if she were still here! Of course you will still feel your loss, but in time you do learn to live with it. xx
Dear Kathy
Its been a tough few yrs for you
You only lost mum four short months ago . Please be patient and kind to yourself , talk, cry when you need to (need to is different than want to ) bottling things up does you no good .
Tp is a good place to talk about you and your feelings and sometimes its easier to speak on here than to family or friends
Their is an oraganization called CRUSE you can find them online or in the phone book that you may find helpful sorry cant put the link as im here on my mobile at the mo
It has been nearly 10 months since I lost mum and my mums passing was what i would wish for everones loved one . I still weep at times
You need to forgive yourself for what you couldnt do.
Remenber all the good you did for your mum
Most importantly DONT listen to people who say things like pull yourself together , mums suffering is over you should be ....
Gradually so gradually, that at first you dont notice, it does begin to ease, in time happier memories will begin to return .
xxx
Its been a tough few yrs for you
You only lost mum four short months ago . Please be patient and kind to yourself , talk, cry when you need to (need to is different than want to ) bottling things up does you no good .
Tp is a good place to talk about you and your feelings and sometimes its easier to speak on here than to family or friends
Their is an oraganization called CRUSE you can find them online or in the phone book that you may find helpful sorry cant put the link as im here on my mobile at the mo
It has been nearly 10 months since I lost mum and my mums passing was what i would wish for everones loved one . I still weep at times
You need to forgive yourself for what you couldnt do.
Remenber all the good you did for your mum
Most importantly DONT listen to people who say things like pull yourself together , mums suffering is over you should be ....
Gradually so gradually, that at first you dont notice, it does begin to ease, in time happier memories will begin to return .
xxx
You could not have done anything to find out what she was thinking or how she felt, that is one of the terriible things about dementia, there is no contact. It will take a long time to feel better, there aren't any short cuts, and to lose both parents in such a short space of time is so hard.
You must be very kind to yourself.
Pippa xx
You must be very kind to yourself.
Pippa xx
Thank you
Thank you for all your replies. It is funny how our minds cling to what we think we should have done rather than what we did and could do. I will try to hang on to the things that did go well and gradually I'm sure I will learn to live with the wonderful memories I have. My parents were together for nearly 60 years and I could never imagine one without the other! My Mum was born at the home she lived in from 1928 to 2009 - 81 years, she loved her home and of course it was my home when I was young and it was heartbreaking to have to take her from there to a care home in 2009 as I don't live locally to her and then sell my childhood home, but that is another story...I get very emotional about it all. I know people go through the same process and worse..I'm hoping to go back to the care home and visit some of the residents that have no one at all coming in to see them. I don't feel strong enough to do it yet but would like to know if anyone on here has done any 'voluntary visiting' or similar.
Thank you for all your replies. It is funny how our minds cling to what we think we should have done rather than what we did and could do. I will try to hang on to the things that did go well and gradually I'm sure I will learn to live with the wonderful memories I have. My parents were together for nearly 60 years and I could never imagine one without the other! My Mum was born at the home she lived in from 1928 to 2009 - 81 years, she loved her home and of course it was my home when I was young and it was heartbreaking to have to take her from there to a care home in 2009 as I don't live locally to her and then sell my childhood home, but that is another story...I get very emotional about it all. I know people go through the same process and worse..I'm hoping to go back to the care home and visit some of the residents that have no one at all coming in to see them. I don't feel strong enough to do it yet but would like to know if anyone on here has done any 'voluntary visiting' or similar.
Hello Kathy,
It is so good to see that you are receiving support from Talking Point and I would like to offer you a warm WELCOME.
My husband, Alan, died from a frontotemperal lobe dementia in February 2010 and in many ways it seems like yesterday!! I don't know where the time has gone.
I picked up on the fact that you are an only child and I, personally, feel that only children can have a particularly hard time. The loss is enormous and you have lost both your parents in such a short space of time. Somehow things can be diluted when one has siblings (even if the relationships aren't good).
With regard to voluntary visiting, I thought about it carefully and decided that I needed a real break so that I could choose properly how I wanted to spend my life. I have turned down quite a lot of opportunities but have been available for someone locally who is seriously struggling with the care of his wife who has the same kind of dementia as Alan had. I am sure you will find your way Kathy and I will be happy to hear how you get on.
Love
It is so good to see that you are receiving support from Talking Point and I would like to offer you a warm WELCOME.
My husband, Alan, died from a frontotemperal lobe dementia in February 2010 and in many ways it seems like yesterday!! I don't know where the time has gone.
I picked up on the fact that you are an only child and I, personally, feel that only children can have a particularly hard time. The loss is enormous and you have lost both your parents in such a short space of time. Somehow things can be diluted when one has siblings (even if the relationships aren't good).
With regard to voluntary visiting, I thought about it carefully and decided that I needed a real break so that I could choose properly how I wanted to spend my life. I have turned down quite a lot of opportunities but have been available for someone locally who is seriously struggling with the care of his wife who has the same kind of dementia as Alan had. I am sure you will find your way Kathy and I will be happy to hear how you get on.
Love
Hi Kathy, welcome to TP.
My husband John died last year after three years in a care home. I visited him every day, so I got to know the residents and staff well. In fact, that was really a double bereavement, because I felt I'd lost a group of friends as well as John.
I don't visit on a regular basis, but they do invite me to any special events. And they let me know when anyone I was close to dies, and I go to the funeral with the staff. I can't explain why, but this is important to me. As you say, some have no visitors, and very few people at the funeral, and I feel the need to show them that respect.
But it's very much up to you, Kathy. Don't force yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with. Is there someone on the staff you could talk it over with? You might find they'd welcome your help when there is a party or concert.
Love,
My mum died on 5th February this year. She had vascular dementia. She was in residential care for the last five months of her life. She was 81 when she died.
My dad who is 83 continues to visit the care home a couple of afternoons a week to talk to other residents he got to know in the time mum was there. Mum had lost all her language since Christmas so he used to talk to the other residents when they were in the room together. He seems to derive some comfort from going and I know the people who do not have any visitors like it. One lady, Helen, who I never saw had a visitor was quite aggressive to my mum when dad used to visit but I wonder if she was just jealous that my mum who had no conversation had visitors every day whereas she had no-one despite the fact I know she definitely had a daughter. Any way, she is no longer aggressive and is so pleased when dad visits as are two other ladies, Mary and Pat who also seem to have no visitors. So I would say see what is best for you. It definitely helps my dad and the residents in his situation. I guess it will get less frequent as he gets more used to losing mum, but it certainly does no harm.
My dad who is 83 continues to visit the care home a couple of afternoons a week to talk to other residents he got to know in the time mum was there. Mum had lost all her language since Christmas so he used to talk to the other residents when they were in the room together. He seems to derive some comfort from going and I know the people who do not have any visitors like it. One lady, Helen, who I never saw had a visitor was quite aggressive to my mum when dad used to visit but I wonder if she was just jealous that my mum who had no conversation had visitors every day whereas she had no-one despite the fact I know she definitely had a daughter. Any way, she is no longer aggressive and is so pleased when dad visits as are two other ladies, Mary and Pat who also seem to have no visitors. So I would say see what is best for you. It definitely helps my dad and the residents in his situation. I guess it will get less frequent as he gets more used to losing mum, but it certainly does no harm.
