1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Seddy

    Seddy Registered User

    Feb 17, 2015
    I've been looking after my mum since July then she was lucid n managing her toilet needs with help for direction to the toilet.
    But as the months have passed she is now double incontinent and is in tena pants day n night. It's doing my back in changing her four five times in the day n just as many times in the night. I'm here 24/7 no sleep she wakes every two hours wanting the loo ofcourse by the time she's got to the bedroom door she has forgotten, once up its a mission to get her back into bed - she will sit for hours patting down the sheets it's a worry as she tends to wander due to tiredness she's unsteady but no bed!
    It's taking its toll on me this lack of sleep n doing all the daily chores so far there is no care package in place.
    She's never been the best of mums always made you feel worthless n never affectionate if I'm honest I have no idea why I've taken this on as honestly it's not out if live or duty but possibly out if guilt to prove I'm not the worthless human being you made me out to be..... I hate myself for feeling this, hate myself for feeling tired I fact I hate myself full stop.
    If only I had the courage to end it all n not be around to see it all - I suffer from depression I was abused as a child therefore have always lacked trust never let neone get close to me out of fear I may contaminate them - hence I'm in my fifties single n no life.
    I don't know where to from here!
  2. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    Seddy, I would love it if you would please find out where your social services offices are, take your mum there and leave her with them quietly with a letter saying you cant do it any more, then get your bags packed, go and stay in a hotel, sell everything and start again somewhere else.
    Now, I think we both know that is unlikely to happen but please PLEASE stop caring for your mother, you do not have to prove anything, you are a free person who has a right to a good life. There are plenty of places your mother can be looked after so you do not have to keep doing it. Seddy, look after yourself, you need something good.
  3. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    wise words
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    The exhaustion and despair is something many on here share with you. The back story you gave makes the situation untenable. As spouses we do stuff out of love or duty but you have a responsibility to yourself and not to a mother who did not protect or love you. That is her failing not yours.

    Now is the time to tell social services you cannot and will not continue and they need to deal with her as an emergency as you will walk away. You need a break to save yourself.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I agree with others who have posted Seddy.

    Have you ever considered talking to The Samaritans. They have an emotional listening service and can arrange for someone to visit you for face to face personal help. I really hope you try this, you have nothing to lose.

    Samaritans is a charity that provides confidential, non-judgemental, emotional support, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide. They do this either by phone, email or face-to-face.

    You can find your local branch here by typing in your postcode, town or area. Many branches offer facilities for you to come in and talk to a volunteer face-to-face if you find it easier. Check your local branch information to see if it offers this service. It's best to phone ahead to make sure a volunteer is definitely available, and to let them know you are coming.

    Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (open 24 hours, seven days a week, all year round)

    Email: jo@samaritans.org

    Website: www.samaritans.org
  6. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I'd say take yourself to the doctor, let him attest to your exhaustion and depression and ask him to ring social services for you. They can do this and it will carry more clout that way. Social services have a duty of care, not just for your mother but for you as well! Let them not even think about making excuses. Tell them if they haven't found anywhere for your mother in a week's time you will take her to A&E and leave her there.
  7. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    Oh Seddy my heart goes out to you and I can hardly imagine what it must be like for you.

    This is no way for you to live.

    Please take the advice the others have given you and hand over responsibility to social services. They have a duty of care, you don't.

    Doing this will not make you a worthless person. You are a very worthy person. The abuse you suffered as a child was not your fault, it was the fault of the adults around you who didn't protect you.

    You are only in your fifties. I know several people, friends and work colleagues, who have got married in their fifties, some for the first time. If you would like to meet someone, it's not too late. It's never too late to find someone to love and who will love you right back.

    Please keep posting xx
  8. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Please take the advice of College Girl and others who have posted. Contact Social services and your G P as soon as you can. You are trying to cope with an impossible situation. Please look after yourself and get the help you deserve and need.
  9. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Totally agree with all that has been said here. It is obvious that you have come to the end of your tether. Make it clear that this is no longer your problem, do not weaken!! makes SS do some real work for once, they spend enough time 'monitoring'.
    Nobody should feel they have to be a human sacrifice

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