Hi, struggling with similar situation but with a complicated aspect that dad (recently diagnosed, total denial, moderate mixed dementia) cares for my mum (frail, multiple falls, depressed, heart failure, hardly eats, misses medication). So I have been very concerned about what mum eats, I often visited after work and she's taken no pills, eaten nothing all day. She has had three falls in last six weeks and broke her fibula in her leg in the first of those.
Dad will get up and make himself breakfast, he also eats a lot of fruit, does himself a sandwich, but mum will either be forgotten or refuse. I have finally got lunchtime carer in during week and asked she gives mom lunch, I have then needed to see something that's not mouldy is in fridge for carer to offer. I've taken little higgidy quiches which mum likes, plates of ready made sandwiches, but it's hard to get those over on a regular basis so I have been racking my brains for things mum would eat that can stay in the cupboard. Dad often tells those who visit, including carer or my lovely friends who try to help, that they don't need to do food as he will do something for them both after they leave, I suspect he doesn't. He wants everyone to believe, or maybe he does believe himself, that mums diet is fine and he does EVERYTHING for her? If you saw state of kitchen and how dad handles food you would refuse to eat.
Dad told me last week he doesn't want me taking food because then the food he buys or prepares then goes to waste. Truth is he over buys and overcooks constantly and the fridge becomes full of rotted corn on cob, mouldy stewed apple he has prepared, out of date yoghurts etc etc. the only reason I take food is to try to stop him poisoning my mum, one good bout of food poisoning would finish her I fear. Dad fixates on certain foods, currently pork scratchings, and when I ask if mum has eaten I'm told 'oh she's had a bag of scratchings, she loves them!'. He fetches things out of freezer but forgets so I find a cottage pie dated 18 August, so dad, is this out of freezer, er yes, must be, so when did you defrost it? He isn't sure, obviously. So mum lives on diet of scratchings, whisky and liquorice allsorts it seems.
Dad regailed me with the lovely Sunday dinner he cooked, mum hardly ate any. He said mum had told him when to put things in the oven etc (he has never done domestic tasks, he didn't wash up until over 70, never cooked). I said how nice that he and mum could work together in the kitchen with mum sitting on a chair and advising him and she said 'oh, I'm not allowed in the kitchen'. Dad said she just gets in his way. Oh and he polices the fridge like a hawk, terrified we will throw things away, which of course we have to do sneakily to remove mouldy and out of date items.
So my poor mums diet is controlled heavily by dad. Mum doesn't have dementia, but is profoundly depressed, telling me she wishes she was dead and is a prisoner in her own home. Dad is angry at me because he blames me for his diagnosis, his main issue is possibility of losing his licence, I went to memory appointments with him and did prompt him about a bump he had on hospital car park when he denied any issues. Truth is he's had a lot more accidents than that and I should have kept quiet but reported my concerns separately and saved myself a lot of grief this last week. I am at the point of not being allowed to go round or do anything and he has concealed that mum fell again this week.
My SIL suggested small ready meals at M&S she tried for her nan, but I fear he would throw them away because remember, he looks after mums food. I fear mum is going to become a battleground, she is going to be how he proves there is nothing wrong with him.
I have spoken to their GP and have appt to call again Thursday (have to make sure I'm not seen at surgery). I'm taking them for flu jabs today so it will be interesting to see how mums bruises are explained. My hubby is taking her to fracture clinic Thursday so maybe when on her own she can discuss what she wants. I'm there for falls pendant alarm visit Friday. GP did SS referral, at that time things weren't so bad, but I had to update them yesterday for mums protection but asked they are careful how they go in as I'm in enough trouble already, as only one can't play good cop, bad cop with a sibling.
Will trawl this thread for suggestions. Maybe I can hide tinned goods and share their location with Carer? Sorry to ramble, but at end of my tether, don't wish to hijack post, but can empathise with concerns about nutrition and my daughter, a dietician tells me that getting calories in is main thing, even if it's full fat, cakes, biscuits. Wondering whether to see GP about supplement drinks for mum though?
