I'd like to introduce myself...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by irenef, May 29, 2006.

  1. irenef

    irenef Registered User

    May 27, 2006
    Harlow, Essex
    Hi Everyone, I am a retired Nurse. Retired early dure to ill health.

    My Husband (61) has Lewy Body Dementia/Depression/Paranoia & has been in Hospital for the past 11 months. It has taken this amount of time to diagnose as his symptoms are atypical. After having 8 treatments of ECT his mood has lifted somewhat & he is a little better now.

    Over the past 5 months my own health has taken a dive, the latest blow being diagnosed with Lung Cancer. Had part of my lung removed which has left me quite breathless. Staying with Family at present. Its becoming evident, I am not going to be able to cope looking after Brian at Home, so we are looking at long term care. I am finding it very difficult to cope with feeling guilty that I can't care for him at home. Needless to say he dosn't want to go into a Nursing home either.

    I will also need ground floor accomadation, which will mean a move from my present home. (Council rented) Now my dilemma here is my Hubby has been a Collector over the years...Juke Box's .. Records .. Fruit Machines..(You get the picture) Soooo what happens now? I am becoming stressed out with the worry of it all.

    Any help & advise would be much appriciated.

  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #2 Margarita, May 29, 2006
    Last edited: May 29, 2006
    Hi Irene

    warm welcome to TP ,
    Have you actually had an other of a new flat? you’re moving now. or soon ?
    You can give a lot of things to charity & take what is personal, for you & your husband.

    Just shading a bit of light ,but you could sell the juke box or keep it or even sell it on eBay ,& the records as they could be collectors items may take your mind of things hard I know ,just a thought
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Irene,
    I echo Margarita's welcome to TP.
    Irene you have nothing to feel guilty about; you are not saying "I don't want to" but "I can't". If you were to bring him home, and his health deteriorated again, or yours, that would be a worse scenario. You must now make the best of the situation that you find yourselves in; so you find the best Nursing Home that you can, that is easy for you to visit. Of course neither you nor your husband want this, but this is the place that you are at - sorry if I sound hard.
    There must be a market for duke boxes and fruit machines; maybe some Internet research is required.
    Post again soon.
    Best wishes, Amy
  4. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    Your husbands collection is probably quite valuable why not enquire of an Auction House or check out www.ebay.co.uk

    You should be able to get an idea of values and will probably be very successful selling them
  5. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Irene

    Welcome. What a rotten hand you have been dealt!

    Before you can be expected to care for someone you need to be fit and healthy so your welfare is of paramount importance and as someone who is fit and healthy (as much as anybody who is an AD carer is) it is still hard.

    You husbands collection I would suggest is the least of your worries, in the extreme there is always the dump, but I am sure that it will not come to that. You need to prioritise the problems in your life and stop feeling guilty (the AD carers affliction)

    Others will give you more practical advice but we are all on your side. Keep in touch.


  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Hello Irene

    Welcome and my sympathies too.
    Have you approached the council about rehousing you in a bungalow, perhaps with adaptions to make life easier? Even if you can't look after Brian at home, you may want him to have day visits if he is able to (?wheelchair?).

    Ref. the 'collection' of sundry large articles, you could also ask the council if they have a list of lock-ups for the storage of personal goods & furniture (I don't think you'll have to be exact about what they are) or enquire about storage fees. I'm sure they must have encountered the problem before, with house-exchanges & people downsizing when they move.

    Best wishes
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Irene,

    First of all, welcome, and I am sure you will find lots of support here.

    You clearly need lots of 'practical' support, too. From my limited experience of having 'mum' in hospital longish term (not dementia related at the time) I found the Hospital Social Work Team to be fantastically supportive in practical ways - for myself as well as mum. Have you got an assigned Social Worker through the hospital? As a nurse, you will already know much more than I can offer, but so often, I feel 'we' are 'afraid to ask.....'????

    Don't be afraid to ask anything of anyone - the worst they can say is 'no'!!!

    Love, Karen, x
  8. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006

    Bless you it is not easy i know where you are comming from you love and care for the one you love for so long you become ill i also am new to tp its my hubby thats ill
    i know you have got to get rid of things that mean so much could you not take photos you might not want yo see them for many a long year but you or family might gain comfort down the line
    please do not feel guilty i know we all do at times BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT all i try and keep saying is keep on keeping on
    look after yourself
    love Bel x
  9. irenef

    irenef Registered User

    May 27, 2006
    Harlow, Essex
    Thank you

    to everyone for the advise. I know it has to be done, just need to come to terms with it in my mind. I can see this MB is going to be very helpful to me.

    I have cared for Brian for years & its now time to take care of myself! I have contacted the Council & now just have to wait for a suitable property to become available.

    Brian has a great CPN who is very helpful to us both. I also have a very supportive family, what a blessing that is.

  10. lou lou

    lou lou Registered User

    Nov 9, 2005
    Thinking of you Irene

    My MIL died suddenly this time last year and my mum went finally into a nursing home around the same time.

    I had to empty MIL's house last summer. FIL had also been a collector and lots of stuff went to auction.

    My mum had lived in the same 4 bedroom flat for 45 years and every nook and cranny was filled with something precious to her. But it all had to go.

    Mum is now quite settled (it's taken several months) and happy in her nursing home and never refers to any of her indespensable bits and bobs. She could only take a few things that would fit into her room.

    I realise I would not want my sons to go through the same heartbreaking process and have become a fanatical anti clutterer since then. ( would they really want several years worth of old mothers day cards for instance tucked away in the back of a drawer). However precious, things are just things.

    I don't want to give you the idea that I am any sort of paragon. I've puts some of my mum's furniture in storage and my front living room cannot be entered because it is still full of MIL's things.

    The major one being a HUGE oak sideboard that was handcarved by my FIL who was a wood carver all his life. The sentimental pull is very strong but it is totally out of place in a new modern house and it WILL have to go when my husband comes round to the idea.

    I was my mum's main carer but I had breast cancer and more recently, heart problems, high blood pressure and the latest one Diabetes. At least now I can focus on getting well and mum really enjoys my visits and I am no longer worn to a frazzle with all the looking after.

    I think it must be very much harder to make these decisions with regard to a partner rather than a parent but do take care of yourself Irene and don't attempt the impossible.

    Much love

    Lou Lou

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