I think it would be easier if Mum could accept her dementia diagnosis, I really do. She want's to pretend all is normal and doesn't want carers and community care alarms and key safes. I overheard her talking to a lovely positive lady who said 'we need to live and enjoy life', but mum can't because she is so busy railing against dementia. I've been searching through the blogs, trying to find an inspirational story of people still enjoying life to discuss with her. (She has already forgotten the conversation she had had.)
I think it would be easier if Mum could accept her dementia diagnosis
- Thread starter Red Geranium
- Start date
Hello Red Geranium
Of course it would be easier if your mum could accept her diagnosis but dementia seldom works like that.
One of the symptoms of dementia experienced by many is the loss of the ability to think logically and another is the ability to stay in denial. From experience, those who can discuss their dementia and help themselves are in the minority.
The more you emphasise your mum`s dementia the more difficult you will make it for her and if her short term memory has been affected you are likely to have to cover the same ground over and over again.
Perhaps this will help you understand. It has helped many.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Of course it would be easier if your mum could accept her diagnosis but dementia seldom works like that.
One of the symptoms of dementia experienced by many is the loss of the ability to think logically and another is the ability to stay in denial. From experience, those who can discuss their dementia and help themselves are in the minority.
The more you emphasise your mum`s dementia the more difficult you will make it for her and if her short term memory has been affected you are likely to have to cover the same ground over and over again.
Perhaps this will help you understand. It has helped many.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Thank you. I will try to look at this differently. Guess I am dealing with my emotional response to the changing situation. Would be so much easier if she were accepting of the help, but sounds like that is unrealistic of me and we just need to soldier on until this becomes the new normal.
The help is for you not her
That's what you need to tell her because you are struggling and it will make you feel better if she has support.
Don't use the word Dementia, if it upsets her.... try Memory problems or Colander Brain as Mum and I called it for a while. Talk about her memory filing system needing a good sort out.... just keep it light.
That's what you need to tell her because you are struggling and it will make you feel better if she has support.
Don't use the word Dementia, if it upsets her.... try Memory problems or Colander Brain as Mum and I called it for a while.
Talk about her memory filing system needing a good sort out.... just keep it light.Hello
My mother is also in denial of her failing memory. Refuses to go back to the Memory Clinic, puts her memory lapses down as ordinary wear and tear, etc. Short term memory now very bad. I had a rough period worrying my mother could be missing out on treatment, but as she likely has early stages Vascular Dementia there are in fact no current treatments. I had a stark choice. trick my mum back to the Memory Clinic against her expressed will and risk destroying her confidence in me, who is going to be her future full time carer and her best hope of a well supported future. Or bury my fears and concerns, accept my mother's decision and make the most of it. I have decided the latter is the best path of the two options. I have learnt to accept her denial and once I had done so I am enjoying my role in my mum's world. This is a dreadful condition, but with very little in the way of treatment is denial so wrong? As my mum put it "if I am going doally I do not want to know". Deep down if it was me I think I would go with the denial road as well. It just means I am currently dealing with a situation gradually getting worse on my own. However on a positive note my mum is enjoying her life. The memory lapses do not appear to bother her. She reads her magazines, we have trips out, visit the shops, do the cleaning together, have many conversations about past times (safe ground as long term memory is mostly okay), etc. I live with my mum so Ican keep a close watch. I suspect you do not which makes matters worse. Hope my comments are of some use.
Not wishing to be personal but if your mum forgot the mentioned conversation what keeps bringing the Dementia word back to her? If she is going to be in denial I would suggest no one mentions it and if the short term memory is not great it may well fall away? If it is going to continue to be mentioned you will get into a circle. Your mum in denial, faced with a world keep bringing it up. Please accept I am sympathetic to your situation and feelings. I hunted all over the internet to read about treatments for Dementia of the type my mum has. It was hard to accept there was in reality nothing on offer.
I think my initial post may have given the wrong idea. I am not keeping a negative cycle going by using trigger words. Of course Alzheimer's would trigger a strong reaction but so does I am helping you because you find it hard at the moment. (I will try to find a different way to respond next time, and thank you for your all for the advice on this post) My problem (and it is mine I guess) is that she is unaccepting of the help she now needs and I am so worried about the future and keeping her safe, but also horrified about how miserable she is. This came to the fore when I caught snippits of what was said to her by the lady who is embracing life and making the most of life's good things, whilst my mum sits alone feeling wretched.
It is also about future planning. But if she wont talk about it perhaps it is kindest to just wait and respond rather than try to engage her in the decision process.
Hello Red Geranium
There is a big difference between caring for a partner who lives with you and caring for a parent who lives alone. Stating the obvious I know .
When I was caring for my husband it was still difficult to get help in for him until I told him the help was for me.
When I was caring for my mother who lived alone in her own home, it was a problem.
A lot depends on how much time you are able to give.
I was working full time but had no dependent children at home with me.
My husband was very supportive and between us we were able to check on my mother before and after work and at weekends.
I took her washing to the laundrette and did her shopping, not because she had dementia but because I was about to do my own chores so may as well have done hers at the same time.
This is how I got round it. You will need to find a way which you are prepared to accept and your mother agrees to. All can be done without mention of the words dementia or memory. It`s just about a daughter helping her mother out.
Future planning is difficult because you don`t know when the future will be here.
Your mother will be eligible for Community Charge rebate, 25% if she has someone living with her and 100% if she lives alone.
She is also entitled to Attendance Allowance.
Try to take a deep breath and take one step at a time. You don`t have to be superwoman and can only give what you are able to.
There is a big difference between caring for a partner who lives with you and caring for a parent who lives alone. Stating the obvious I know .
When I was caring for my husband it was still difficult to get help in for him until I told him the help was for me.
When I was caring for my mother who lived alone in her own home, it was a problem.
A lot depends on how much time you are able to give.
I was working full time but had no dependent children at home with me.
My husband was very supportive and between us we were able to check on my mother before and after work and at weekends.
I took her washing to the laundrette and did her shopping, not because she had dementia but because I was about to do my own chores so may as well have done hers at the same time.
This is how I got round it. You will need to find a way which you are prepared to accept and your mother agrees to. All can be done without mention of the words dementia or memory. It`s just about a daughter helping her mother out.
Future planning is difficult because you don`t know when the future will be here.
Your mother will be eligible for Community Charge rebate, 25% if she has someone living with her and 100% if she lives alone.
She is also entitled to Attendance Allowance.
Try to take a deep breath and take one step at a time. You don`t have to be superwoman and can only give what you are able to.
I really feel for your situation and it resonates with our own. I am carer for my MIL, vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. She has only one son, my husband, myself and our 3 children. Thankfully he has LPA both types. If you don't already have an LPA I strongly advise you get one in place asap.
My MIL lives alone a 30 min or so drive away. She has one older brother nearly 80 who is a cause of much upset and distress to all. We believe he is also suffering memory loss. Sadly this just adds to the stress. He winds up MIL when he sees her and then we get phone calls and questions
MIL was a midwife and nurse for all of her career, she is now 74, but still looks "well" and can articulate well........mostly in the "moment" she is lucid. We have had a diagnosis for coming up 4 years, but we are sure she has had problems much longer, maybe 6-7 years, it took us a year to get a diagnosis. She cared for her own mother with dementia when my husband and I were newly married and we have seen what a horrid illness this is firsthand once already, all be it at arms length. She eventually had to place her mother in a care home. She is terrified of this eventuality for her self. We have always said our aim is to keep her safe at home for as long as possible.
She really feels she is not so bad. One of her favourite comments "I only have a little bit of Alzheimer's, hardly worth mentioning really!" She lost her driving license last summer, but only because she failed a DVLA nominated test. She was shocked, but we were relieved.
I gave up work last sept, before that doing bothIt has been difficult this year as she has just been steadily going downhill, despite all my best efforts. We have had to re-move her dog into our care over 3 months ago. Oh the upset and that saga still continues Her brother has removed her whiteboard from the kitchen, "she doesn't need it!" He phones us and accuses us of all sorts
I can not go over everyday and so go mon,wed,fri and she comes her for sat & dinner. Her brother visits her supposedly tue, thur & she goes to his home for dinner sun.
Lately she isn't eating when I'm not there, she hasn't cooked anything in years. I do all cleaning & laundry and supervise food in the house. She comes shopping with me each day I'm there, it's pretty much the only time she goes out of the house.
We been having bathing issues and her med taking has gone wobbly despite having a pivotel. Phone calls- we get lots, but then when we don't get them I worry. She had an incident of not regonising our eldest son (upsetting) a couple of sat ago Sundowning is now a feature of her evenings. But she flatly refuses ANY from of help we suggest.
In desperation we ask social services to get involved, hoping for an assessment. The social worker came out yesterday. She wouldn't agreed to it! He did on the upside say a few helpful home truths about family becoming exhausted and really she should listen to our suggestions as they come from Love!! I was tearful when he left and that did lead to an open discussion about the future, but of course she will have forgotten it all now
It's definitely a journey and the road is meandering, which can zap your energy. Sadly I have the same situation unfolding with my dad too.
Sorry rambling!!!!! I come on here and read mostly as it help's me get perspective and helpful info. I hope you will find a way to cope, I believe you will, if nothing else you'll do your best, which all any of us can do [[Virtual hug]]
My MIL lives alone a 30 min or so drive away. She has one older brother nearly 80 who is a cause of much upset and distress to all. We believe he is also suffering memory loss. Sadly this just adds to the stress. He winds up MIL when he sees her and then we get phone calls and questions
MIL was a midwife and nurse for all of her career, she is now 74, but still looks "well" and can articulate well........mostly in the "moment" she is lucid. We have had a diagnosis for coming up 4 years, but we are sure she has had problems much longer, maybe 6-7 years, it took us a year to get a diagnosis. She cared for her own mother with dementia when my husband and I were newly married and we have seen what a horrid illness this is firsthand once already, all be it at arms length. She eventually had to place her mother in a care home. She is terrified of this eventuality for her self. We have always said our aim is to keep her safe at home for as long as possible.
She really feels she is not so bad. One of her favourite comments "I only have a little bit of Alzheimer's, hardly worth mentioning really!" She lost her driving license last summer, but only because she failed a DVLA nominated test. She was shocked, but we were relieved.
I gave up work last sept, before that doing both
It has been difficult this year as she has just been steadily going downhill, despite all my best efforts. We have had to re-move her dog into our care over 3 months ago. Oh the upset and that saga still continues Her brother has removed her whiteboard from the kitchen, "she doesn't need it!" He phones us and accuses us of all sortsI can not go over everyday and so go mon,wed,fri and she comes her for sat & dinner. Her brother visits her supposedly tue, thur & she goes to his home for dinner sun.
Lately she isn't eating when I'm not there, she hasn't cooked anything in years. I do all cleaning & laundry and supervise food in the house. She comes shopping with me each day I'm there, it's pretty much the only time she goes out of the house.
We been having bathing issues and her med taking has gone wobbly despite having a pivotel. Phone calls- we get lots, but then when we don't get them I worry. She had an incident of not regonising our eldest son (upsetting) a couple of sat ago
Sundowning is now a feature of her evenings. But she flatly refuses ANY from of help we suggest. In desperation we ask social services to get involved, hoping for an assessment. The social worker came out yesterday. She wouldn't agreed to it! He did on the upside say a few helpful home truths about family becoming exhausted and really she should listen to our suggestions as they come from Love!! I was tearful when he left and that did lead to an open discussion about the future, but of course she will have forgotten it all now
It's definitely a journey and the road is meandering, which can zap your energy. Sadly I have the same situation unfolding with my dad too.
Sorry rambling!!!!! I come on here and read mostly as it help's me get perspective and helpful info. I hope you will find a way to cope, I believe you will, if nothing else you'll do your best, which all any of us can do
[[Virtual hug]]
Hi as many posters have said on here there are very few people who accept the diagnosis of dementia. My mother-in-law who is 92 was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2015 although the symptoms were there many years before. In my husband's case because we had distanced ourselves over the years from her due to her unpleasantness, he decided that the only way to deal with her was to tell her that all the support put in place was for his peace of mind not for her. Although he was prepared obviously to make sure she was safe he didn't really care one way or the other whether she liked the decisions we made. He had distanced himself over the years from her due to her nasty and selfish personality.
We took on board the advice from the memory clinic to not keep on mentioning the dementia diagnosis. At first we told her that she had a few memory issues now we don't mention it at all and all the time she keeps convincing herself that she is fine we just nod and agree. It isn't easy this approach but it's the only approach in her case to prevent the ever increasing aggression.
So now we just tell her what's going to happen and in fact as her dementia has deteriorated she just actually accept this. We put in place carers ,hot meal service , carelink and key safe whether she liked it or not we certainly didn't wait for her approval
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