I realise I am at the end of my tether

[Helen33]

Here are some pictures of the new fence and I tidied the garden in front of it this afternoon. It is the first big job I have done since being at breaking point last week and I found myself at breaking point again this afternoon.

Alan caused me so much extra work. It was such hard work anyway especially as I have no energy at the moment and had to will myself to do something. I was losing my patience with him all the time and in the end I just asked him to leave me alone. He is suffering because I am stressed and this has made me determined that I do need help. I am going to be on the ball with SS tomorrow because I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. This is so unlike me - I am a coper. I have to admit that I am not coping Those of you who know me, know that I enjoy doing the garden but today it was awful

View attachment 4739

View attachment 4740

 

[Vonny]

Hi Helen,

You may not have enjoyed doing the garden today but it looks wonderful.

Helen, you are always here for everyone. You are always one of the first with kind words and advice and in the short time I have been a member on this forum, I have discovered you are an exceptional lady: strong, kind, empathetic and able to cope. But even Superwoman has to have an off day occasionally!

Good luck with SS and I hope tomorrow brings another fine day and that you will be able to enjoy your garden.

Vonny xxx

 

[imac.girll1]

Big hugs

Dear Helen,

As Vonny says, you always have alovely word for all, but you need to look after yourself, my suggestion, get all your agro out on the SS tomorrow, you know they are nicknamed that for alot of reasons

Don't let yourself down by thinking you should be doing better, more, caring more, and lots of others things that you may be feeling, think of yourself and the wonderful job you have done in that garden!

Do you want a new career, come on up to Glasgow my garden needs major work!

Smiles and hugs for you, and have a sneaky brandy later

love

iMac x

 

[TinaT]

Hi Superwoman,

To take on creating such a beautiful garden AND look after someone with dementia - you are indeed a Superwoman!! You are such a strong, determined and hard working person - yes you certainly need and deserve help.

OK so today you bit off more than you can chew. We all do that at times and live to regret it. But at least we keep on trying. Put your feet up for the rest of today, have sandwiches, put the telly on and have a good rest. You deserve it.

xxTinaT

 

[Sam Iam]

Helen,
Your garden looks wonderful xx

Iam so sorry Helen you are alway here for us on our down times and you are such a lovely lady but you have been feeling like this for a few days now, do you think it is time to see your GP or is it just a case of needing to get everything off of your chest to Alan's SW
Take time for yourself Helen you sound as though you are in burn out and I am sorry if I offend you but I really care for you and just want our Helen back xxx

 

[Margarita]

That is one amazing garden,
must take of lot of your energy to archive that look .

I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.

Why not also get a gardener to help you with your garden, while your feeling like this ?.

Or Is

gardening the one of the things that helps you relax and switch off for a while?

 

[ella24]

Helen

The garden looks fab

But tomorrow, why not wear your pants underneath your trousers, not over them like Superman, and take one step at a time... I hope your call to SW gives you some answers, and quick

love

e

 

[Brucie]

Hi Helen

the garden looks fantastic, so congratulations on what you have achieved.

I think doing jobs like gardening can be a weird mixture of saviour and executioner.

You may have been like Jan and me - we always did the garden together.

Once dementia steps in, that partnership changes, and it can seem as if what is already a lot of work amidst a lot of worries, becomes even more work and we think after - what for, anyway? And what was good in the past is demonstrated to be different now.

Remember Connie's Lionel's words "today is as good as it is going to be" [apologies for any mis-quoting].

I'm always talking about 'elephant tasks' - you can't eat an elephant all at once, but if you make it into bite-sized chunks, it will eventually all be gone, bar the odd tusk.

Perhaps you might calibrate your expectations such that you expect to do less in the garden that you have done before - maybe quite a lot less, at least for the moment. That way, when Allan causes work, it is less work caused.

I know the seasons move on regardless - but so, alas, does dementia.

When Jan was at Allan's stage, we would simply sit in the mess of a garden, and talk, as I wondered what would become of us.

 

[Sam Iam]

Brucie,
What a lovely picture. xxx
You are a wonderul carer to Jan , the pagoda ( hope this is the correct name ) is lovely.

 

[gigi]

Hello Helen...

Bruce has made some very relevant comments.

I'm sorry you're feeling as you do...

From my own experience the "caring" bit creeps up on you so slowly you don't realise how much it has changed your life..

Until that one day when somehow everything seems to be too much...

I'm having to learn to do what I can or have to do and ignore the rest..and I don't like it. I've also acquired the philosophy that if it's a big job and I don't feel like doing it..I won't.

But we all adapt and cope in different ways.

Here's hoping you get somewhere with the SW tomorrow...and that you have a good night's sleep and wake up feeling better...

Love gigi xx

ps..your garden looks beautiful...I hope you're sitting there looking out at it enjoying the fruits of your labours..!!

 

[Bristolbelle]

Lovely garden.....

... congratulations on your hard work.
I was able o do some gardening with Mum today, I cut the hedge and she helped me bundle all the clippings into
one of those big builders dump sacks ready to take to the tip.
My shoulders are killing me now but I feel tired and satisfied.
Bruce I loved the idea of eating an elephant. Years ago once my daughter learned that black and white make grey she would insist elephants were "black and white - mix it up!" as she never liked grey lol!

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Helen

I had written such a long post in reply but the phone rang and I lost it.

What I had been trying to ask is are you still trying to live a normal life?

I am presuming Helen so forgive me if I`m wrong, but.............

Pre dementia, you and Alan would probably have worked together, putting the garden straight.

He would have known what to do and you would have worked at the same pace and at the same level.

Now he will be less organized, slower, more confused.

Now you will need to tell him what to do and help him to do it.

So now you are doing double the work in the garden and having to instruct/guide Alan as well.

You had a very difficult week last week Helen. It will have taken it`s toll. You need to be doing less, not more.

Get a man in to help with the garden and then all you need to do is `potter` and sit and enjoy it.


Bruce the photo of you and Jan is both sad and beautiful.

 

[Bookworm]

xoxxoxox

X's & O's - kisses & hugs from N.I. - can't say anything better than to reinforce all of above - you know that a little while later on you will feel stronger - but you are feeling this way more often & it probably is time to seek more support - friendly GP, friend, family member, respite, a treat - like a night away (i.e. you go away with someone to stay for a night & a day, rather than Alan go somewhere). Your garden is a tribute to talent and inspiration - a real pleasure waiting for you as the warmer days come.

GP would be my first choice - your first choice may differ - wouldn't wait for one of those appointments with just anyone or one with my favourite in 10 days. I'd ring & speak to my favourite one's secretary tomorrow first thing, leaving mobile number & s/he will return the call within 24 - 48 hours unless on days off....... this may end up not being a chosen path - but I hope it is a life line tonight - to know you don't have to tolerate feeling this way.......xoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxx

 

[Helen33]

A big thank you to everyone. Someone has just pointed out to me that I am trying to live a normal life. Such a simple sentence but absolutely true. I had no idea!!!! I am trying to live a normal life but life is far from normal and the normality keeps changing. It is not going to get any easier so I must change and accept that I cannot do the things that I normally would.

I have just gone into Alan and said that "I am very sorry" and he understood and we had a hug and we can now smile at one another.

Dear Sam, you haven't offended me. I am in a kind of burnout and I have to stop trying to do all these things. I will behave myself

Thank you - I appreciate all your words of support and encouragement.

Love

 

[Snip]

Your garden looks wonderful Helen....that's a major achievement under tricky circumstances....and I hereby award you a Sunday Superwoman medal!

But......it does sound as if you could do with some rest and I wholeheartedly second what everyone else has said. On the phone first thing tomorrow....Help A Professional Feel Useful Day!!!

 

[Sam Iam]

Helen I am so please you and Alan have had a cuddle, there is nothing like cuddle to help a wearie heart and mind HERE'S A WEE CUDDLE JUST FOR YOU FROM ME XXX

 

[Margarita]

we had a hug and we can now smile at one another.

That does reads like a lovely moment in time Helen

Must say Bruce you have got great pair legs

 

[sue38]

Helen, you are a star and a credit to TP.

To prove the point of how fabulous you are, I would post a pic of my garden, but I'm too embarrassed. Even if I could blur the brown Christmas tree - yes I know it's nearly April; the 45 degree fence - it's been VERY windy; the 'summer' bedding plants that I intended to plant last summer and are now dead in the plastic containers ... the lawn still needs mowing ... from last Aututmn...

Hey, ho. The lighter nights are here and hopefully seeing it all in the daylight will spur me into sorting it all out.

I too regard myself as a 'coper', but tonight found myself sat on my kitchen floor weeping over the bit in 'The Color Purple' where Shug's father puts his arms around her. I couldn't admit this anywhere but on TP. ))

This was a blip. Yesterday morning I found myself in a really good mood, because despite all the problems we are having with my dad in the CH, that burden is shared with the professionals, who care (in every sense of the word) for him. Apologies for intruding on your thread.

You need to share the burden of looking after Alan, so you can still enjoy the good times with him.

I hope you get something sorted tomorrow.

 

[sad nell]

Helen love you have been worring me this week, and yes i do exactly the same and try to lead our lives as they where, but there is no normal as far as alzhiemers is concerned, how is alan apart from picking up on your mood, has he had a down turn or is it just becoming a reality, that it is never going to be any better than now,Trev cannot even eat a sandwich now unadded which suddenly made me very sad, trev slept late today and i was gratfull i just left him to sleep, whilst i consructed new stone steps because trev kept walking of the end and finished up in a heap on top of flowerpots, wore rubber gardening gloves the dye has come out and i really do have green fingers at the mo.i really would push for aweeks respite, it benefits me /us in 2 ways, it lets trev have a change of scenery and peopl,i can let go of carering tasks but also makes me aware how much i need and enjoy his presence,the fence looks really good, normally you would be so happy, so somethings got to give and it cannot be you love pam

 

[Helen33]

Thanks Sam, Maggie, Sue and Pam

Maggie - flirting with our Bruce

Sue

tonight found myself sat on my kitchen floor weeping over the bit in 'The Color Purple' where Shug's father puts his arms around her. I couldn't admit this anywhere but on TP. ))

I know just what you mean. It is nice that you are able to be yourself on my thread and I remember just how stressful it was for you to have to try to find alternative care for your father. It is still stressful but, as you say, you have professional help sharing the care.

Pam, it sounds like you've been busy too. I hope you feel a sense of achievement. Alan hasn't taken a downturn Pam. In fact I don't think any of the problems I am having are due to a change in Alan but rather a realisation that I have 'life' to deal with as well and I cannot cope with it all. Some things there is no choice about - they have to be done no matter what but other things there is a choice and don't have to be done in the same way at all. I am going to have to change and stop doing such big jobs myself. I never thought I'd be saying that.

I would like to mention everyone personally who has taken the time to encourage me but my thread would begin to read like the geneology in the Bible I do appreciate you all - thank you.

Love