I heard it through the grapevine

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by northumbrian_k, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    751
    Male
    Newcastle
    #1 northumbrian_k, Jul 9, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    One of the benefits of my wife's move into residential care is that I no longer need to concern myself with her son's movements and moods. Not having to deal with him since our estrangement 18 months ago has been a blessing and massive stress reliever. The only reason for keeping in touch with him via his wife was to make arrangements for his extremely rare visits to see his Mam.

    Now that she is as happy in her new home as she was when living with me, he can visit her at will without any need to bother me. I have heard from her sister (aka the grapevine) that he might be coming to visit my wife on Thursday or Friday this week, but he is as likely to cancel as he is to come. I'll just need to be wary, as the last thing I want is to run into him at the care home and to be treated to his particular style of uninformed criticism. My wife has fitted in well to her new accommodation. I am hoping that he has enough sense not to antagonise the lovely staff with his habitual sounding off before heading back to London and leaving me to deal with any repercussions.
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,789
    Female
    Scotland
    With any luck he won’t turn up at all. Who needs relatives who just stir up bad feelings?
     
  3. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    393
    If he does turn up, you may be able to speak quietly to the CH manager to explain that he isnt making the decisions and you are.
    My Dad can't really cope with the decision making for my Mum, now in a care home, but like everyone else he has "useful" advice. I have asked the CH to remove his number from the contacts and use mine for all contact and this saves a lot of hassle.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,214
    Female
    South coast
    You might be able to pre-empt any problems by explaining the situation to the manager before he is due to turn up.
     
  5. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    Sadly, it is not uncommon for difficult family members to swan in, cause trouble, and leave. My mum has started, intermittently, to confuse me with my sister, who hasn’t bothered with my parents for years. On those occasions, I bear the brunt of how her neglect has made my mother feel, and her reports on how it has made my father feel. I’m glad you have to deal with your wife’s son less often @northumbrian_k Long may it last.
     
  6. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    243
    Female
    I agree with canary - I would have a word with the manager/carers "just in case".
     
  7. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    751
    Male
    Newcastle
    My wife's son and his wife have arrived in Newcastle and will be going with her sister to visit her tomorrow morning and possibly also on Friday. I am not sure whether granddaughter is with them. I am hoping that he doesn’t say anything that might upset his mother or the staff. With any luck he’ll turn on the charm that he reserves for everyone but his family and the visits will go off without a hitch. I mentioned something about it when the manager let me out yesterday and have spoken to a member of staff tonight just to make sure that my wife is not in bed when they call. I'll be keeping out of the way to avoid any awkward encounters but may call in to see my wife later tomorrow.
     
  8. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    And isn't it awful that at this time in your life that you have to jump through all these hoops to accommodate someone one who has no respect for you or what you do to care for his mother. I suppose the only thing to be said is that at least he does visit her. My husband's sons live across the other side of the world so can't visit but they won't even talk to him on the phone.
     
  9. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    @Lawson58 I am hypersensitive about the talking on the telephone. I know from my own personal experience when a person has great mental disabilities, it is difficult to communicate by telephone & impaired speech.. I do all the talking for my hubby when his Norwegian children call. It is not very satisfying for them. I have pretty much given up calling my three siblings who have Huntington's disease. My younger sister can no longer be understood when you are with her personally. I get to FT her when she is with my one brother who like me is unaffected. And the same with my other sister, I talk with her husband and sometimes with her. But my elder bro, I am cut off from since his wife passed . I hand write to each of them and send them photos of us and of my grandchildren. (I also send the occasional treat box of chocolates and other Swiss goodies). But direct communication is just not possible always. That does not mean that I do not care. It just becomes more and more difficult to communicate my love.
     
  10. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    751
    Male
    Newcastle
    My wife can't really use the telephone any more. She says that she has got good hearing but can never make out what the caller is saying. She is unable to have a conversation. In a short while she puts the phone down anywhere and wanders off, leaving the caller still connected and talking to thin air. Her son more or less stopped phoning (this was before she went into residential care) and I can't say I blame him for that. We no longer communicate so it is not as though he could ask me. Now she is in residential care he can telephone her care home for updates on her welfare but I have no idea whether or not he does so.
     
  11. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Unfortunately, it is not really a matter of being able to use a phone comfortably when it cones to my husband's offspring. They are consumed by greed and are unable to appreciate how ill their dad is. They regard me as the wicked stepmother in spite of the fact that their dad would have been dead years ago if not for my actions in giving him CPR following a cardiac arrest in our kitchen.

    My husband can't use a mobile phone but he frequently uses a landline without any problems. He regularly Skypes his brothers in UK. So it is their choice. They also used Facebook regularly until the boys decided that if we weren't going to give them money when they demanded it, they wouldn't message him anymore. Actually, I am grateful that they don't live near us but my husband feels as if they have abandoned him.
     
  12. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,789
    Female
    Scotland
    @Lawson58 that kind of behaviour is like a body blow on top of the caring for a PWD. Sometimes I wonder how we all survive. If we made a pamphlet with an assortment of all the carers and their issues in dealing with loved ones or unloved ones for that matter it would either be a horror story best seller or no one would believe it.

    I was talking to a an old friend of ours on the phone last night and was relating what John has said to me as an illustration of his confusion and delusion. She was very cross that he would say such things to me. I was perplexed - she just hadn’t grasped that he had no intention of being hurtful and in fact wasn’t capable of it.

    With this illness you are either in the thick of it or haven’t a clue.
     
  13. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    And I am fortunate that most of my friends have a relative that has some form of dementia or another illness that requires caring and we provide a very good sounding board for each other. They get it. They really do get it.

    And they just know when I have been having a couple of rough days. We all met through an environmental group and while our hands are putting cuttings into trays, we chatter about all sorts of things and it is so nice that they know how it is without my having to 'explain'.

    I try to feel sorry for my husband's kids in that they are incapable of making a rational judgement about a relationship with their dad. They will regret it eventually but in the meantime in their view, I am the one who won't cooperate about money and they punish their dad for it. But I do consider that they are the ones who have to own the problem and that it's one that I don't have to deal with.
     
  14. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    751
    Male
    Newcastle
    My wife's son and family went to see her yesterday and today and are now on their way back to London. She did not mention them this afternoon so probably has forgotten already. Apart from noting that he said he is going to visit once a month, I have had no feedback from the staff. It may be that my misgivings were misplaced or headed off successfully. One less thing to worry about.
     

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