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I hate being a carer

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,820
cornwall
@TNJJ , I think that is your line in the sand, mine is fluctuating. I have decided that 2022 will be the year for carers, 4 weeks respite and holidays for me!! Also will be looking after a 1 year old 2 days a week from March 2022. ( I am not going to miss precious time with a grandchild so we will have a helper in on those days .....mum ok ish now but she will deteriorate)
Daughter worried asking me to give up two days a week term time only is too much. After 6 years of 24/7 care
it should be a breeze.
Mum hasn’t really spent anything on care so if she has to spend to stay at home with me then I think that’s fair!!
However things are subject to change so maybe if your father gets worse you could bring the date forward? He may suddenly accept a home or he might become too ill for you to manage.
Best wishes for whatever comes your way
Yes if he gets worse I will bring the date forward.He is deteriorating quickly now so who knows. He has carers to get him up but they are not brilliant tbh.We all have our line in the sand😀
 

Seaholly

Registered User
Oct 12, 2020
20
My line in the sand begins on Monday - 2 weeks off for the first time in 3 years!
What could possibly go wrong........................................................................... (nobody answer that please 😜)
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
234
@spandit ’s words very much resonating with me tonight. I have no patience, training, or desire to be a carer. I feel like all the life is sucked out of me, to keep the PWD alive. I have no life. By the time I get to have one, I’ll be too old to do anything. Feeling bitter and self-pitying tonight, no doubt will feel guilty tomorrow.
Totally feel your pain. I am only 61, should be having the time of my life. My worry is that after looking after the OH, I actually get it, ergo life over.
 

Sai789

New member
Nov 1, 2020
1
I understand the resentment and guilt cycle oh so well. It’s not something we signed up for and you are right. It is draining the life out of us yet we feel obliged to continue for as long as they live.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
133
Last night he was falling asleep in his chair in the living room so I said he should go to bed. He said it was too early but then said he'd go if I insisted. I don't think he's deliberately passive aggressive but it does make me feel like the bad guy...
 

She-Luna

New member
Jun 30, 2020
4
I saw a registered carer with her charge (a very sweet looking elderly lady) in a supermarket the other day. The carer was amazing, and I felt a stab of guilt. Why can't I think of the 'right' things to say to Mum. Why do I get impatient, angry, tearful, resentful and upset? Because I'm 'me' and I miss my Mum (that is, the Mum I knew before dementia). We're all human, but each of us unique and equipped with unique skills and insights. I'm doing my best, that's what I have to tell myself!
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
234
I saw a registered carer with her charge (a very sweet looking elderly lady) in a supermarket the other day. The carer was amazing, and I felt a stab of guilt. Why can't I think of the 'right' things to say to Mum. Why do I get impatient, angry, tearful, resentful and upset? Because I'm 'me' and I miss my Mum (that is, the Mum I knew before dementia). We're all human, but each of us unique and equipped with unique skills and insights. I'm doing my best, that's what I have to tell myself!
She is amazing because it’s her job. She gets to go home every night, and return fresh in the morning.
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
34
Oh, as other have said, you are far from alone! I think my turning point was admitting to myself I didn't want to be a carer and that I wasn’t the best person to be involved with the care and forever picking up the pieces or Being made to feel guilty.

I stepped away earlier in the year and managed to get an agency who visit every day, meaning I am now free of emergency calls and having to deal with the lack of reasoning and poor judgement my elderly parents have. I’m so much happier to be released from it.

Before the agency, we had two ladies who alternated but if one was ill, I would have to step in and I can’t count his many cancellations I had to make of plans for days out or meeting friends. The agency covers any absence which is peace of mind for me and it is all working so well, my parents now say how wonderful they all are and I am so delighted because it means I have my own life back.

I certainly don’t want my own children burdened by me in older age - it isn’t fair. There are many care aspects I just don’t want to do so I have managed it to my benefit and my parents are happier for it, too (after much resistance) and so it is a great result out of utter despair and hopelessness a few months ago.

Help on this forum was invaluable because generally, until you have had personal dealings with dementia, no one can possible imagine the awful emotional toll it can have on you. Take care of YOU.