1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Borisfish

    Borisfish Registered User

    Oct 6, 2015
    4
    I cared for my wonderful mum who had vascular dementia for the past four years we moved in together in a new home in a different area with my husband so I could be her full time carer.
    My mum died this Monday morning I don't know what to do I miss her so much she was my whole world night and day and I don't know what I am going to do without her
    She died here at home after a terrible week she had been rushed to hospital vomiting black blood on the Sunday and they discharged her on the Wednesday even though I asked them to keep her in as she wasn't eating or drinking just retching all the time but was told by the ward sister it wasn't a reason to keep her there.mum never ate and hardly drank all week just kept trying to be sick even with small sips of water and got worse each day and finally on Monday we put her to bed laid with her until 2 am then left her to sleep and my brother found her on the bathroom floor at 6 am
    No one would help me I kept telling them how distressed she was
    I am heartbroken and can't go near her room I just want to run away I feel like I let her down so much and she died on her own.
     
  2. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    11,280
    Female
    near Folkestone
    Oh borisfish I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mum . Please don't ever think you have let her down as she was surrounded by you, her family and by the love you had for her . Wishing you strength for the coming days . Big hugs xxxxx


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  3. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    619
    Female
    So very sorry to hear this but please try to focus on the fact that you gave her everything and were her world as well as she yours, for the past four years. Big hugs and love to you. The sadness of the past few days will fade in time and you will remember happier times. Please don't ever think you let her down because you didn't. Xxx
     
  4. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    473
    manchester
    Please accept my condolances on the loss of your Mum. I wish you strength and love. Rose x
     
  5. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    So sorry to read of your loss, and the pain you are experiencing. It sounds to me like your dear Mum was surrounded by those who loved her, throughout her illness. May her dear sweet soul Rest In Peace. xxx
     
  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    So very sad for your loss xxx This must be such a hard time. How wonderful to know that you were all there for her constantly through those last days giving her the love and closeness that no-one else can give. keep posting, will be thinking of you xxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. Spiro

    Spiro Registered User

    Mar 11, 2012
    522
    Please accept my condolences. Try and take comfort from knowing that you did your very best for her. Don't for one moment think that you let her down - she was lucky to have you as a daughter.
     
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,521
    Ireland
    Echoing what others have said. You did the very best you could for your mum. The sharpness of the pain will ease in time, and you can remember your mum as she was in happier, healthier times. My condolences to you and your family. xx
     
  9. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,976
    Suffolk
    My condolences to you and your OH. You did your best, you could not have done more.
     
  10. In a Whirl

    In a Whirl Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015
    62
    Dear Borisfish,
    Do not think for one single minute you have let her down..far from it..many would simply not change their lives as you & your OH have done to make sure your Mum got the very best of care.All too often people say they love someone but it isn't a love that is demonstrated every hour of the day as you have done.

    Remember the happy times with your Mum & remember too that she is at peace now.
     
  11. Raggedrobin

    Raggedrobin Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,431
    You have just been through a terrible, terrible trauma. Please try to be kind to yourself. Every time you think 'I wasn't with her' push that thought away, it wasn't your fault and you did what you could.

    The next few weeks will be difficult I am sure, it is a great sadness for you but like I said, don't add to your sadness with guilty thinking, it won't change anything and it won't make you heal from what must have been such an emotional rollercoaster.
     
  12. Borisfish

    Borisfish Registered User

    Oct 6, 2015
    4
    I miss her more each day

    Firstly thank you for your wonderful replies when I last posted a few weeks ago it has really been a terrible time and I am taking it a minute,hour,day at a time.
    I feel as if my whole purpose in life has gone every minute of my days were planned and we had no time for any social life whatsoever.ive lost my best friend as well as mother and every part of the house acts as a reminder of mum.i am so used to being stuck in the house for weeks on end that even going to the shops seems overwhelming and I just want to get home but when I come home it's not the same any more.my mum was a beautiful woman who never once complained about her dreadful illness and deserved so much better respect and treatment than she received both in hospital and from the local doctor.i wrote a poem just before she died as she couldn't speak for herself here it is


    I was young like you
    A long time ago
    It seems only yesterday
    Where did the time go?
    I once ran and laughed
    And enjoyed life so
    But now I'm old
    And my body is weak
    My mind gets fuddled
    I can't always speak
    But I'm here inside
    I'm still a person you see
    A mother and grandmother
    I've got family
    I have hopes and dreams
    And feelings too
    One day you'll understand
    This will happen to you
     
  13. grouse

    grouse Registered User

    Nov 11, 2013
    86
    That poem is beautiful.

    I found this poem, cut out of a newspaper, tucked into my mums purse when she died. It broke my heart.

    "Crabbit Old Woman"

    What do you see, what do you see?
    Are you thinking, when you look at me-
    A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
    Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
    Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
    When you say in a loud voice,
    I do wish you'd try.
    Who seems not to notice the things that you do
    And forever is loosing a stocking or shoe.
    Who, unresisting or not; lets you do as you will
    With bathing and feeding the long day is fill.
    Is that what you're thinking,
    Is that what you see?
    Then open your eyes,
    nurse, you're looking at me.
    I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still!
    As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
    I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,
    Brothers and sisters, who loved one another-
    A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,
    Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet,
    A bride soon at 20- my heart gives a leap,
    Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
    At 25 now I have young of my own
    Who need me to build a secure happy home;
    A woman of 30, my young now grow fast,
    Bound to each other with ties that should last;
    At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,
    But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;
    At 50 once more babies play around my knee,
    Again we know children, my loved one and me.
    Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
    I look at the future, I shudder with dread,
    For my young are all rearing young of their own.
    And I think of the years and the love that I've known;
    I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel-
    Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
    The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
    There is now a stone where I once had a heart,
    But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,
    And now and again my battered heart swells,
    I remember the joy, I remember the pain,
    And I'm loving and living life over again.
    I think of the years all too few- gone too fast.
    And accept the stark fact that nothing can last-
    So open your eyes, nurse, open and see,
    Not a crabbit old woman, look closer-
    See Me.

    By: Phyilis McCormack
     

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