1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Its hard for me to cope

    Hello everyone i only registered today. My story is about three years aga when i still lived in liverpool with my mum ad dad, We were a happy family also my grandad lived with us (my mums dad) And things were great. As time went by my Grandad become ill with flu like symptoms this had a knock on effect and he also suffered a heart attack after that he was in hospital for about three days but passed away i feel really teary just writing about him. Well it hit my mum quite hard. As a few months went by i started noticing a few changes im my mum. One day i was in my room and she came up to see me she sat on my bed and we were talking and then she asked"What should i do now" which i found really strange. I didnt pick up on that now i wish i had as time went by she would do things like make me a cup of tea then bring me another one about ten minutes later. Which was totally out of character for my mum as she was never forget full. Then i started to notice things like sugar in the fridge and milk just left in the cupboard. I spoke to my dad about this but he never seemed concerned. As time went on she got worse. I met my partner three years ago and at that point my partner says now she was not as bad then as she is now she could talk then and hold a conversation. But now shes like trapped in her body she hardly speaks and when she does its not a lot. I live in derbyshire now and shes still in liverpool i was there at the weekend and she didnt really talk to me i have twin girls now and she dont really know them.The worst thing is that the conditions shes living in are awful they have four dogs and two cats and my sister now lives there but the house i can only say is worse than anything featured on the tv show life of grime for instance dog excrement on the bathroom floor the house smells and in the days of my grandad living there it was never like that. It hurts also because i have no answers no real diagnosis of whats wrong with my mum. But my dad just dont seem that bothered. Hes my step dad and my sister is his but everytime i ring the house its like he dont let me talk to my mum jumping in with his input instead of letting my mum talk. I feel like ive abandoned here and it kills me to see her i just dont know what to do.But now when i watch Coronation street it tears me in half. I just wish i felt like i knew what was wrong with mu mum its like shes dead i know thats horrible to say but its like someone that looks like her but it just isnt her..
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Sorry to hear your story.

    There is only one real way to start to sort things out, and that is the get Mum's GP involved.

    Different conditions, depression etc, can cause many of the same symptoms, so don't automatically assume anything.

    The doctor will be able to start things rolling.

    If Mum says she doesn't want to go to the doctor, then have Dad go as well on the pretext the surgery is doing an MOT for all patients over a certain age.

    Best wishes

    P.S. sounds like your step Dad may be in denial, or at least the 'covering up' stage and may not himself want to go to the surgery with Mum. If that is so, there is not too much you can do beyond trying to persuade him that the earlier you find out the problem, the better the chance of making things better, at least for a time. If it is dementia, that is particularly so as the medications often work to hold back the development of the disease. Once past a certain stage and they might not help.
     
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    So sorry to hear of your situation.

    I know from past experience how torn you can feel when you live some distance away from family and there are health or other issues. That constant 'wanting to be in two places at once' is a stress in itself - let alone the reasons behind it.

    I'm so very new to all this myself - and floundering emotionally - so can't really offer any practical advice.

    You say you are a parent to (presumably very young) twins? Gosh, that's a challenge in itself, isn't it? But a joy, too, of course! I am sure if your mum was 'herself' she would be like any other grandma and want you to be doing the best for your children.

    I worried about the effects on my (11-year-old) son when he declared last week: 'Life is all jobs and Grandma'. It was a reality check that although mum's problems seem all consuming there ARE other things in life (especially my child) who need my attention, too (just as I need them!)

    Just a thought, but if you lived with your mum until three years ago, are there any trusted neighbours/friends in that area who could help you and/or her in anyway?

    I hate to ask for help, but have found sometimes in the past when I have HAD to, people have surprised me by being pleased to be asked. It's like they know there's a problem but don't know what to do - when you ask for a specific 'favour' it actually solves their dilemna.

    Best wishes, Tender Face
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi elwood, welcome to TP. I am sorry your post had gone unanswered for 12 hours, but you have not posted in the main forum. Not to worry, I shall try to have post moved ASAP.

    However, you are not a bad son. You sound very caring, and need pointing in the right direction. NO ONE ON TP CAN EVER MAKE A DIAGNOSIS, but maybe your mum does need to go to see her GP. Would it be possible for you to go with her, for support perhaps. Please, you are not alone, I am sure we can give you some good advice soon. Connie.
     
  5. Hello everyone i only registered today. My story is about three years aga when i still lived in liverpool with my mum ad dad, We were a happy family also my grandad lived with us (my mums dad) And things were great. As time went by my Grandad become ill with flu like symptoms this had a knock on effect and he also suffered a heart attack after that he was in hospital for about three days but passed away i feel really teary just writing about him. Well it hit my mum quite hard. As a few months went by i started noticing a few changes im my mum. One day i was in my room and she came up to see me she sat on my bed and we were talking and then she asked"What should i do now" which i found really strange. I didnt pick up on that now i wish i had as time went by she would do things like make me a cup of tea then bring me another one about ten minutes later. Which was totally out of character for my mum as she was never forget full. Then i started to notice things like sugar in the fridge and milk just left in the cupboard. I spoke to my dad about this but he never seemed concerned. As time went on she got worse. I met my partner three years ago and at that point my partner says now she was not as bad then as she is now she could talk then and hold a conversation. But now shes like trapped in her body she hardly speaks and when she does its not a lot. I live in derbyshire now and shes still in liverpool i was there at the weekend and she didnt really talk to me i have twin girls now and she dont really know them.The worst thing is that the conditions shes living in are awful they have four dogs and two cats and my sister now lives there but the house i can only say is worse than anything featured on the tv show life of grime for instance dog excrement on the bathroom floor the house smells and in the days of my grandad living there it was never like that. It hurts also because i have no answers no real diagnosis of whats wrong with my mum. But my dad just dont seem that bothered. Hes my step dad and my sister is his but everytime i ring the house its like he dont let me talk to my mum jumping in with his input instead of letting my mum talk. I feel like ive abandoned here and it kills me to see her i just dont know what to do.But now when i watch Coronation street it tears me in half. I just wish i felt like i knew what was wrong with mu mum its like shes dead i know thats horrible to say but its like someone that looks like her but it just isnt her. I Felt i had to add this bit to my story im 27 now and i suppose i should be able to deal with it but i just cant. My mum is now 51 and to be honest i tried to tell myself it cant be alzheimer's but i keep tellying myself it has to be for my mum to just go this way. I ask myself am i a bad son ? Should i do more i just dont know.
     
  6. thanks

    Hi Connie i think i have posted in the main forum page now. I say think as this is new to me.

    But once again

    Thank you
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    I hope I've not confused everyone but I have merged the thread here with the one in "About TP Members" as we has the same topic running in discussion in two areas. :)

    ...and now I've merged in a third version of the same thread.;)
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Elwoodlpool,
    That's some name to remember, I may shorten it in time!
    I'm 45 and can't deal with my mum's dementia. No let me rephrase that; I am dealing with it because I face it, I do what I can for my mum, but what I can't do is stop it hurting.
    My mum and dad denied for a long time that there was anything wrong with mum, other than she was a little forgetful. In the end I had to force the issue; I went and saw the GP, and then got mum to visit to "put my mind at rest". You need to try and get your sister on side and get your mum to see the GP; there are other things that could cause your mum's symptoms, but if it is AD then the sooner it is diagnosed the sooner she can be treated.
    You must do what you can, within the circumstances that you are in. You don't live 5 minutes down the road, you have a partner and children that you are responsible for as well. All we can do is our best - sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but we have to live with that.
    It is your mum, she is in there - you have to love her as she is.
    Take care.
    Amy
     
  9. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    627
    Yorkshire
    Just wanted to say Hello Elwoodlpool you're not alone, think Amy has said it all (wish I had her way with words:) ), take it one step at a time and take care.
     
  10. Thank you all.

    Hello again just want to say thank you. At the moment my step dad has also recently found out his mum has dementia too. So thats my mum and his mum i suppose that cant be easy for him after getting off the phone i found out my mum is now on a drug called Donepezil. She has been to the Doctors and i feel enough just aint being done. Ever time i talk to my Dad he seems to like i dont know just grin and bear it. But as i think to myself my mum seems like she is being ignored. I took here to like a clinic type place about three years ago as i noticed changes in her and the doctor was asking her questions like what year she was born and she couldnt answer. Showing her pictures of things she could not identify. I get mad as i have tried and tried to get some answers and nothing seems to come to light. I hope i dont sound selfish but i wish i could talk to her doctors or something surely her son is entiteled too.

    P.s My name is Mark
     
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    It strikes me you have two concerns here in terms of trying to help your mum – the sheer logistics of being able to ‘consult’ with your mum’s GP, and your thoughtfulness about the family dynamics, responsibilities and feelings.

    As an only child, with my mother widowed, I don’t have to worry about my decisions and actions in terms of how they impact on anyone else (other than mum herself), and mum, and her GP are practically ‘on my doorstep’. I have still found, however, that I cannot always attend the GP’s surgery during his clinic hours.

    Only a few weeks ago, in such a situation, I wrote a letter detailing my concerns (not breaking anything I would see as ‘confidences’ – just stating facts or observations) and dropped it through the surgery’s letter box. Within 24 hours, her GP had visited her, then rung me to advise me of three separate referrals he had made! He was even one step ahead and gained my mother’s permission for himself to discuss her health with me – so now I don’t have the ‘client confidentiality’ stuff to worry about…..

    Since then, he asked me to continue to document concerns, especially about her ‘behaviour’ and let him have them, as this will help with diagnosis (and I have seen my previous letter on her file).

    Just a germ of an idea – I appreciate we are in very difficult circumstances and this may not be so straightforward in your own family – perhaps other TP members can add their thoughts to this kind of approach….

    It really upset me to think you could think of yourself as a ‘bad son’ - your concern for all of your family shines like a beacon.

    Take care.
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    elwoodlpool

    Have just come across your post ,glad to read that your mother is getting the right medication, I have a son who is 25 now & I hope In the future he would be worried and concerned for me like you are for your mother ,You sound such like a loving son ,that any mother would be proud to have

    I understand your frustration in seeing your mother the way she is now , I do hope you get to a point that your stepfather can talk to you openly about your mother ,I was wondering as your step father saw his mother with the same condition ,his attitude on dementia may be a close subject ,stiff upper lip & just get on with it ,because he is of a different generation .

    Can you share with us what more help you would like for your mum to get ? how about writing a list & giving it to your step dad?
     

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