I feel as if I have abandened a puppy dog

[Raffles]

I today took my husband to an EMI Nursing Home as a permanent resident. We told him it was for a couple of weeks respite for me and so they could check on his medical needs. But I think he knew something was going on, he has been in respite once and was no trouble but it was in a residential home, since which he has been assessed as requiring a nursing home so his previous respite home wouldn't take him.
He was upset, said he shouldn't be there he should be in his own home and he didn't want to stay. He wouldn't let me out of his sight and in the end I had to say I was going to the office to sign a paper and I would be back in a minute and go without him seeing me.
I felt as if I was abandoning a little puppy and am so upset. Should I have tried to keep him at home longer? He is 85 and I am 84 next week. My health is not to good and I was finding it very hard to cope at times impossible. I know at times I got so annoyed at him even though I knew it was not his fault. But surely I could have managed a bit longer. It was so cruel of me I feel like going there and bringing him home.

 

[Sue J]

I today took my husband to an EMI Nursing Home as a permanent resident. We told him it was for a couple of weeks respite for me and so they could check on his medical needs. But I think he knew something was going on, he has been in respite once and was no trouble but it was in a residential home, since which he has been assessed as requiring a nursing home so his previous respite home wouldn't take him.
He was upset, said he shouldn't be there he should be in his own home and he didn't want to stay. He wouldn't let me out of his sight and in the end I had to say I was going to the office to sign a paper and I would be back in a minute and go without him seeing me.
I felt as if I was abandoning a little puppy and am so upset. Should I have tried to keep him at home longer? He is 85 and I am 84 next week. My health is not to good and I was finding it very hard to cope at times impossible. I know at times I got so annoyed at him even though I knew it was not his fault. But surely I could have managed a bit longer. It was so cruel of me I feel like going there and bringing him home.

Dear Raffles

I am sure you have done your very best for your husband and the feelings you are having now are so diificult but you are not cruel at all. It will take time for both to adapt but you will no longer have the stress and worry as you have had.

I hope others will come along to to reassure you
love
Sue

 

[onlyme247]

I am not in your position so I will not say I understand .I just feel your pain and if / when this happens to us I hope I am as brave as you to do the right thing for the safety and care of my husband.I am sure others can help you on the new path you now find yourself.Take care.

 

[Mommidizzle]

god love
ya sweetheart, i am not at that point yet with my OH but it will come eventually and i know i will feel exactly the same!! stay strong for yourself and i know if it was me me id be having a few wines till i fell asleep...........!! tomorrow another day xxx

 

[angelface]

Please dont bring him home, as you will only have to go through the whole process of getting him in again when you could not manage.
Your OH will settle, but it must be so hard for you.

 

[jan.s]

I do understand how you feel, having been there myself about 2 years ago. Like you, I felt I was abandoning him, but he settled and is now very content.

It is a hugely emotional struggle, but you must look at your husband's needs, and think whether you can fulfil those needs. My answer was NO, I couldn't and I am sure from your post that you are in the same position.

Try to hold out, he will settle and, you can enjoy a relationship on a different level, enjoying the nice parts, without having to deal with the unpleasant jobs! I have a loving relationship with my husband now, something that was fading fast a couple of years ago. I too feel sad, but know it is best for him.

I still miss him like crazy though.

 

[nicoise]

Dear Raffles,

I have been following your story, and how you have coped for as long as you have at home on your own for all this time I don't know.

Please don't feel guilty about this step - I know you haven't taken it lightly, and that if things were easier with both your husband's dementia and your own health you would have kept him at home.

But the level of care he needs now, and your own needs, are too much for you to handle on your own.

You will be able to see him unburdened by all the practical aspects of caring, and having had time to rest and recuperate yourself.

It is time to take care of yourself a little more, and hopefully he will settle before too long x

 

[Pete R]

I felt as if I was abandoning a little puppy and am so upset. Should I have tried to keep him at home longer?

Raffles, I fully understand your feelings and have exactly the same thoughts every time I go to see my Mom. When I walk into her room and she has crammed everything she possibly can into her small toilet bag and proudly tells me she "is ready to come home now" my legs just crumble and I can see the sadness in her eyes when it is time for me to leave.

I too think I could carried on for a bit longer with Mom at home and everyday I try to work how to make it possible for it her to come back but with now having a little more time to just sit down and think rationally I weigh up what it could actually cost. I don't mean financially but in respect of Mom's health and care which is now better than I could provide and she is not in such a position where she is so much of a danger to herself and others. Also in respect to my own health which has improved which I hope and expect that yours will too.

I don't think the guilt of placing her in a home will ever leave but the guilt I had on every occasion I lost my rag with her has completely vanished as it now no longer happens. I am able to enjoy my time with her more and help her enjoy life a little more rather than just barely coping through each day and dreading the next.

I do hope you find some inner peace as the decision you have made appears to be the best one possible for both of you. Going back on it would not be.

I do wish you both well and Very Happy Birthday to you for next week.

 

[truth24]

Hello Raffles. Did exactly the same with my husband in July. The only good thing is that his home is joint residential and nursing. He went in on a residential basis but now needs nursing care so luckily he won't have to move. I have spent the past months trying to convince myself he is in the right place but it is so difficult to believe that. He will no longer speak to me although the carers say he is usually quite cheerful and I am convinced deep down that he hates me for doing what I did although my rational self reminds me that he had gone from being my loving husband to seeing me as his worst enemy a couple of years ago. So perhaps I shouldn't have posted this as it isn't of any comfort to you and I just hope your husband will settle down well within the next couple of weeks. Everyone is different and I know some people settle in very well. We just have to remind ourselves that we didn't have any other option. Easier said than done! Best wishes.
Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[Raffles]

I so agree

Hello Raffles. Did exactly the same with my husband in July. The only good thing is that his home is joint residential and nursing. He went in on a residential basis but now needs nursing care so luckily he won't have to move. I have spent the past months trying to convince myself he is in the right place but it is so difficult to believe that. He will no longer speak to me although the carers say he is usually quite cheerful and I am convinced deep down that he hates me for doing what I did although my rational self reminds me that he had gone from being my loving husband to seeing me as his worst enemy a couple of years ago. So perhaps I shouldn't have posted this as it isn't of any comfort to you and I just hope your husband will settle down well within the next couple of weeks. Everyone is different and I know some people settle in very well. We just have to remind ourselves that we didn't have any other option. Easier said than done! Best wishes.
Sent from my GT-N5110

Thank you for your reply and truthfulness, I to believe he had begun to hate me probably because I lost my rag at times as it all became too much for me.
I went to see him today and he seemed reasonably happy already, I think he was enjoying all the attention. He had even enjoyed the activities. Hopefully things will get better in time. Thank you again.