"I don't want to be here any more"

[spandit]

My father told his carer this evening that he doesn't want to be here any more. I asked her as to whether he meant here as in this house, or as in this planet. She said it was the latter.

He's fed up with his condition (more mobility than mental - he has Parkinsons Plus), I'm fed up with the constant battling and having to get up several times in the night to get him back into bed but it's the first time I think I've heard him admit that he doesn't think he's going to recover. He's still taking his pills and eating well and I know depression is common amongst dementia sufferers but it's a horrible thing to hear, even second hand. I don't want him to live in misery but hearing that has brought it to the fore that I don't want him to die either.

Aside from putting up more rails and trying to get his purpose built annexe finished, there is so little anyone can do - his condition is not treatable. The carers do a tremendous job but it's getting to a point where they won't be able to cope with him.

 

[AwayWithTheFairies]

So sorry. Is he getting treatment for depression?

 

[Duggies-girl]

@spandit I remember my dad asking me 'why they allowed people to get into this state' and it worried me because I kind of agreed with him but he seemed to forget about it afterwards which I was glad of. It is very sad and I don't know what the answer is. Perhaps the realisation of his state of health will fade which is no help to you but it may help him.

It's awful but I just kind of coped with it and it wasn't always like that, sometimes he thought he was fine.

 

[spandit]

So sorry. Is he getting treatment for depression?

He's not. We've asked the GP but she hasn't been terribly helpful. It's a sunny day today so that might brighten his mood.

 

[Grannie G]

It`s a pity the GP hasn`t been supportive @spandit. I know unnecessary prescribing of antidepressant is frowned on but this is different.

Perhaps you could ask if your father could try some for a month just to see if they help.

 

[spandit]

It`s a pity the GP hasn`t been supportive @spandit. I know unnecessary prescribing of antidepressant is frowned on but this is different.

Perhaps you could ask if your father could try some for a month just to see if they help.

They've put him on melatonin to see if it helps him sleep better - I know lack of sleep drives my mood down. If that doesn't help then we'll try and get hold of something stronger

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

In a rare moment of lucidity, trying to come to terms with all her problems, my mother (a couple of years into her care home journey) once said to me, 'I might as well be dead. Anything would be better than this every day. What's the point?'

And I thought, 'Yep.'

 

[Ellebe]

My father told his carer this evening that he doesn't want to be here any more. I asked her as to whether he meant here as in this house, or as in this planet. She said it was the latter.

He's fed up with his condition (more mobility than mental - he has Parkinsons Plus), I'm fed up with the constant battling and having to get up several times in the night to get him back into bed but it's the first time I think I've heard him admit that he doesn't think he's going to recover. He's still taking his pills and eating well and I know depression is common amongst dementia sufferers but it's a horrible thing to hear, even second hand. I don't want him to live in misery but hearing that has brought it to the fore that I don't want him to die either.

Aside from putting up more rails and trying to get his purpose built annexe finished, there is so little anyone can do - his condition is not treatable. The carers do a tremendous job but it's getting to a point where they won't be able to cope with him.

 

[Ellebe]

It is awful, isn’t it?
None of us would wish this awful disease on our worst enemies let alone the ones we love.
My mother doesn’t want to be alive any more and hasn’t for a while. It’s understandable. We wouldn’t let our pets suffer in this way, but we are forced by law to allow our loved ones to suffer and it’s unbearable.
I firmly believe in dignity in dying, but this isn’t dignified in any way. I’m unable to do anything to help her. I just wish for her not to wake up one day. Until that happens I will continue to look after her to the best of my ability, keeping her safe, secure and as well as possible. That’s all I can do.

 

[spandit]

This afternoon the builders on his annexe told me they couldn't see why he needed carers when he'd taken himself outside and walked around on his own... it's great he's having a good day but it's such a mind**** when he's so changeable...

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

I would wish this disease on my worst enemies, because it is literally a living hell. My OH every night wishes he wasn’t here, and although he says he wouldn’t act upon it, it’s depressing for him, and for me to hear it and know I cannot help him any more than I am.

 

[Jale]

It's awful isn't it to have to watch your loved ones go through this. Before my Dad died (not dementia), he was in a lot of pain and he said it was cruel keeping him alive and he wished he could have the same end as his beloved dogs - to go pain free and in the arms of loved ones with the help of an injection

Take care

 

[LunaJ]

@spandit For me, the hardest part of the dementia illness is trying to deal with the constant emotional side of it (so far anyway). I don't think my Mother has depression as an illness, but she's often very despondent and I struggle badly to try and lift her mood. Mostly I just can't. There's nothing in the future I can give her to aim for, or hold on for and no promises that everything will be ok in time. She really only sees me every day, as there's still no social activites etc on, and she's not a sociable person anyway.
Last Friday, she fell and hit her head on the pavement. After a trip to A & E, and nearly a week of recovery, she's ok, but she said to me yesterday 'I wish I'd hit my head harder and just died'. She's lucid enough most of the time to realise she's failing, mentally and physically, and has a sense of hopelessness. I also think she's bored and lonely, she only really sees me and has lost interest or ability in any activities that she used to do such as knitting or reading. The only incentive I can offer her is that the sun is coming soon and she'll be able to get out in her garden. I don't know what to do in the autumn, I'm just not thinking that far ahead!
In a few weeks time, I have her booked in for 2 weeks respite care in a home, which she's reluctantly agreed to. She's determined from the outset to hate it as she doesn't like mixing with strangers (her words), but I am wondering if the daily company and some activities may actually benefit her.
I just wondered if your Father has any social activities or interaction, or if it's even possible for him?
I hope you're ok,
Take care

 

[Catastrophe]

Thank you to everyone that has shared on this post, I have to admit to being surprised, at how familiar it all sounds. My Dad begs everyday to be in the ground. But then 5 minutes later panics because he has found a pimple or a mark somewhere and is convinced he is dying and needs fixed straight away. It's heartbreaking to not be able to make him happier with his life. As said above all I can do is just keep him safe.

I have also been trying to book dad in for respite care. But have been told he would have to isolate in his room for two weeks. No mixing with others in the home, no activities, no walks in the garden. The home said this was government guidelines. I will maybe try somewhere else instead, if other homes don't insist on such harsh measures.

 

[spandit]

I just wondered if your Father has any social activities or interaction, or if it's even possible for him?
I hope you're ok,
Take care

I'm OK, thanks. He never really had any hobbies aside from occasional sea fishing, which isn't possible for him now. He's never listened to music, never been a great reader, never done puzzles or any craft work.