I don't think that I can cope much longer......

[aquarius58]

In the space of one week I've been attacked and had to call the police, my dad's been sickeverywhere, there's been excrement everywhere, dad's experienced halucinations and has been agitade - he's even had a good day.

We have carers 4 times a daynbut dad won't have a sitter so I can't have a break or even go to work. My dad gets so angry if I do anything without his consent and he won't consent to anything that helps me.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[I need help]

I am new to this forum as today I lost it with my husband, I wanted to take hold of him and shake him, but thank goodness I walked away having only screamed at him. But even that, he just looked blank at me and now I am left feeling guilty and crying.

But what you are going through is horrific and, is it not time to consider that your father needs to be somewhere safe for him and, for your need, to be allowed to live in a safe environment. He will not want that, as you say he won’t have a sitter but it might be now that he has no choice, would you be able to say to him, either you have to have a sitter or go into a home so you get a break? I am sorry I do not have any practical advise for you. I hope someone else will be able to help.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @aquarius58
what a lot you've been coping with
personally, I think you need to look out for yourself right now, you can't be living with the risk of being attacked - it's good that the police were involved so there is an official record
right now, do make sure you have a safe room, with a lockable door and access to outside (even a window), to escape to, and keep your mobile with you at all times
call Social Services and explain the situation, that your dad is a vulnerable adult and at risk himself because of his behaviour, and that he is putting you at risk, and the LA have the duty of care - maybe emergency respite will give you some space to work out what to do next - maybe you need to tell SS that you are going to have to leave your dad on his own, for your own safety, and return to your home (I believe you moved in with him to take on his care but have a home to return to?)
as you say he will not co-operate with having any more than the home care visits, maybe ask for a best interests meeting to be called
I'd also either call 111 today about the vomiting etc or his GP tomorrow and ask for him to be checked over, especially for a UTI

 

[Shedrech]

hello @I need help
a warm welcome to TP
it's not easy at all looking after someone all day every day; not surprising that at times we each are close to 'losing it' - well done for walking away (sorry, I hope that doesn't sound patronising)
it's also heart-breaking, isn't it, that the person we care for can be so oblivious of how the situation has affected us - your husband really will have no idea of what happened and how you feel, and that lack of empathy just highlights how different things used to be
do you have some support? - maybe it's time to have an assessment of your husband's care needs by your Local Authority Adult Services - a care package might offer some time at a day centre so you have time for yourself knowing that your husband is well looked after
and you are entitled to a carer's assessment yourself
just in case there's anything that will help, here's a link the main AS site's directory of local services
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you?_ga=2.139333685.721471181.1503062667-213745934.1462100281#!/search
now you've found this supportive community, keep posting; maybe start a thread of your own, when you are ready

 

[aquarius58]

I am new to this forum as today I lost it with my husband, I wanted to take hold of him and shake him, but thank goodness I walked away having only screamed at him. But even that, he just looked blank at me and now I am left feeling guilty and crying.

But what you are going through is horrific and, is it not time to consider that your father needs to be somewhere safe for him and, for your need, to be allowed to live in a safe environment. He will not want that, as you say he won’t have a sitter but it might be now that he has no choice, would you be able to say to him, either you have to have a sitter or go into a home so you get a break? I am sorry I do not have any practical advise for you. I hope someone else will be able to help.

Wow I think that you've done a great job walking away. I'm lucky to not get angry all that much and so don't feel like shaking people. People think that I'm amazing to have such patience but it's just the way we are isn't it?

I think that my dad has no choice as well but he kicks off if anything's arranged without his consent and he won't give consent.

 

[aquarius58]

hi @aquarius58
what a lot you've been coping with
personally, I think you need to look out for yourself right now, you can't be living with the risk of being attacked - it's good that the police were involved so there is an official record
right now, do make sure you have a safe room, with a lockable door and access to outside (even a window), to escape to, and keep your mobile with you at all times
call Social Services and explain the situation, that your dad is a vulnerable adult and at risk himself because of his behaviour, and that he is putting you at risk, and the LA have the duty of care - maybe emergency respite will give you some space to work out what to do next - maybe you need to tell SS that you are going to have to leave your dad on his own, for your own safety, and return to your home (I believe you moved in with him to take on his care but have a home to return to?)
as you say he will not co-operate with having any more than the home care visits, maybe ask for a best interests meeting to be called
I'd also either call 111 today about the vomiting etc or his GP tomorrow and ask for him to be checked over, especially for a UTI

My dad's had all of the medical care that you've suggested so all is good from that point.

Soo a best interests meeting may be the way forward - thank you