... but i won't stop if i do start crying...
I visited my dad this morning in his nursing home,he has been bed ridden fr the last 6 weeks,the first 4 weeks he was hospitalized and came close a few times to the end of his journey but my dad is a fighter and pulled thru enough to return to familiar surroundings of his nursing home. He was looking very frail,old and disorientated ... he spoke only a few words ... ''get my effing shoes take me home '' i always find this so hard to deal with ,the guilt i feel inside for not been able to care for dad at home is immense.
So that had already made me cry a few tears as i was leaving him there then as i was going out the front door there's a older chap holding his head in hands and clearly upset, me been me i couldn't walk past and ignore him (like a few others had) i asked him if he was ok ( obv he wasn't but i wanted to reach out to him) he looked at me with such deep saddness in his eyes and said ''no not really,they have just taken my precious into hospital'' his wife had taken a turn for the worse and needed to go in asap. Im not good at talking to people and struggled to find something 'right' to say instead i touched his arm and said i understood why he was so upset. He oipened right up to me and said all the things i'd been thinking (and feeling so horrid about) ... '' i lost her 18 months ago when this evil disease took over her mind ... now im going to lose her all over again ''... '' why does she has to suffer like this, i wouldn't let my dog suffer as she is '' ... '' i wish she could be at peace and die with dignity '' ...i completly empathised with him and after half a hour of us talking in the car park we was both in floods in tears but i felt connected to him,everything he was saying i'd thought about the same with my dad. I felt so evil and bad for thinking these things,thought i really must be a bad daughter and deserve all kinds of punishment for having the thoughts but i don't know, it home hard to me that i wasn't alone in thinking these things and how VERY cruel this disease is not only to the person suffering but to the people in 'real life' that are left to deal with them. I love my dad with all my heart and soul and *Doug loves his wife so much that we would do anything to make this pain stop for them.
Im not sure the point of this post i just felt i needed to return here ( it's been a while sorry) and vent that i HATE HATE HATE dementia and what it's doing to so many peoples lives, reading thru the posts here have again reminded me im not alone feeling these things and i wanted to say i wish i could hug each and everyone of you for real. Life is so unfair but im glad of places like TP ...
Love peace and respect to you all.
Sarah
xxx
I visited my dad this morning in his nursing home,he has been bed ridden fr the last 6 weeks,the first 4 weeks he was hospitalized and came close a few times to the end of his journey but my dad is a fighter and pulled thru enough to return to familiar surroundings of his nursing home. He was looking very frail,old and disorientated ... he spoke only a few words ... ''get my effing shoes take me home '' i always find this so hard to deal with ,the guilt i feel inside for not been able to care for dad at home is immense.
So that had already made me cry a few tears as i was leaving him there then as i was going out the front door there's a older chap holding his head in hands and clearly upset, me been me i couldn't walk past and ignore him (like a few others had) i asked him if he was ok ( obv he wasn't but i wanted to reach out to him) he looked at me with such deep saddness in his eyes and said ''no not really,they have just taken my precious into hospital'' his wife had taken a turn for the worse and needed to go in asap. Im not good at talking to people and struggled to find something 'right' to say instead i touched his arm and said i understood why he was so upset. He oipened right up to me and said all the things i'd been thinking (and feeling so horrid about) ... '' i lost her 18 months ago when this evil disease took over her mind ... now im going to lose her all over again ''... '' why does she has to suffer like this, i wouldn't let my dog suffer as she is '' ... '' i wish she could be at peace and die with dignity '' ...i completly empathised with him and after half a hour of us talking in the car park we was both in floods in tears but i felt connected to him,everything he was saying i'd thought about the same with my dad. I felt so evil and bad for thinking these things,thought i really must be a bad daughter and deserve all kinds of punishment for having the thoughts but i don't know, it home hard to me that i wasn't alone in thinking these things and how VERY cruel this disease is not only to the person suffering but to the people in 'real life' that are left to deal with them. I love my dad with all my heart and soul and *Doug loves his wife so much that we would do anything to make this pain stop for them.
Im not sure the point of this post i just felt i needed to return here ( it's been a while sorry) and vent that i HATE HATE HATE dementia and what it's doing to so many peoples lives, reading thru the posts here have again reminded me im not alone feeling these things and i wanted to say i wish i could hug each and everyone of you for real. Life is so unfair but im glad of places like TP ...
Love peace and respect to you all.
Sarah
xxx
