I can't cope

[RosieLee]

I have moved in with my father who has Alzheimer's and I am finding it difficult to cope. I miss my home and my family are living in 2 different places. I don't see an end to this and I find myself hiding away in my bedroom most of the day in between shopping, cleaning and looking after my Dad. Feel like I just got my children independent and now caring for another person. Don't know how I will cope going back to full time work. Worried how this is impacting on my relationship. Just want to cry all the time.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @RosieLee and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I guess you've moved in as your father's condition has worsened or has he only just been diagnosed? Are social services involved as it sounds like a needs assessment would give you a clearer idea of what is available to help your dad. Do you have Power of Attorney as this will be useful for sorting out financial and health and welfare issues as things progress. This is the link to the government's information about it. You might also find the Dementia Connect support line: 0333 150 3456 or email dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk useful.
I'm sure other people will be along shortly with more advice and suggestions. This is a very friendly and supportive place to be.

 

[Grannie G]

I find myself hiding away in my bedroom most of the day in between shopping, cleaning and looking after my Dad

This is no way to live @RosieLee.

Is your father well enough to be left? If you will be going back to work please use the time you have to plan for care for him either day care or residential care.

It`s not clear from your post what stage he is at but whatever the stage, hiding in your bedroom can not be sustained.

Sometimes tough decisions need to be made and you are entitled to a life.

 

[RosieLee]

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it. I am looking into residential care for my father and will ring the number given in the post above. This week has been particularly difficult and I need to make some changes I think.

 

[Grable]

It sounds like residential care may be a good plan for your father, RosieLee. I know some people look after their parents for years, but others (me included) can't do that. Although I know I still feel guilty that I didn't look after my mum, I also know that in the circumstances, I did the best I could for her. I have a husband who needs my attention, I have a job which needs me and which I need to stay sane. With Mum here, I couldn't have fulfilled either of those duties.
So, we started with carers going in twice a day, upped that to three times a day and then, eventually, found the best home we could, and that's where Mum ended her days. I visited as often as I could, and she had lots of visits from other folk - friends and relatives, too. I can't say she was happy, but I do know she was cared for by professionals who had massive hearts!
Good luck!

 

[RosieLee]

Thank you Grable, I am looking into that. I know Dad will absolutely hate it but there will come a point where I can't carry on. I feel resentful and irritated most of the time and hate myself for feeling so negative about my Dad. He won't let me look after him properly and looks like a tramp most of the time, getting him to wash or brush his teeth is difficult. He has also started having outbursts about immigrants and his table manners are terrible; he will just lean over and take food off your plate and he eats so loudly.
I have had carers come in prior to lock down, some of whom could not find any way to help him and he was very grumpy about it all. My brother and sister live overseas so I am the only person dealing with Dad. I have had to sort out all his personal finances as he couldn't remember where his money was and also had to clear a lot of stuff off his property because he won't throw anything out, not even a milk carton. It was a mammoth task and not finished yet. I am just unclear as to at what point I decide to put him into residential care. He absolutely won't want to go and it will be difficult. The main problem he has is no short term memory, he forgets everything, even that I am living here. He is generally amiable and not aggressive or anything. He goes for a walk around the block 2 or 3 times a day and the rest of the time sits reading, although I am sure he doesn't know what he has read and usually has about 6 books on the go. He was a highly functioning man being an anaesthetist and a musician and it is so sad to see him like this. He never plays the piano anymore. I am glad I have found this forum so I can say these things to someone.