• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

I am so angry, is this normal

Ali north east

New member
Nov 29, 2019
3
Hi we found out before xmas my mam has Alzheimer’s and she has been put on medication , we have seen specialist and talked to her nurses so we know what to expect . But I get so mad at her when she repeats things and says things that aren’t true , I am finding it really hard to spend time with her . I know this makes me sound heartless but I feel mad with her for getting this even though I know she has no control over any of it , I try not to let her see how I feel but I know sometimes I can be a little sharp with her. Please tell me am not the only one who has felt this way? Or am I just a horrible daughter , I feel like am mourning the mam I had and replacing her with one I don’t know at all,
 

Sunshine2*

Registered User
May 16, 2019
97
Hello and don’t be afraid to open up on here, I often do. Repeating the same answers daily to the same questions is all part and parcel of it I’m afraid. I often feel very lonely, but I know I have to carry on. (Husband in his 50’s with many illnesses over the last 30 years including being disabled with Multiple Sclerosis for 24 years and MS Dementia for at least 8 years). He doesn’t always know if he’s at home, so I always tell him to look at the wall at the side of his chair, I have put up many photos to enjoy, as he can remember some of the past, but not things happening now. All your thoughts are quite normal as it is very hard to accept what is happening, but you will do. Sometimes if I find him hard to deal with and he is getting very angry, I go into another room for 5 minutes and when I come back, he’s forgotten all about it. Please remember DTP is here for us all, to vent all our feelings. I certainly feel better when I have written it all down and get valuable help. Sending you and your family our best wishes.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,120
Kent
Hello @Ali north east

Of course you're not the only one who feels like this. It`s your reaction to the hand life has dealt you.

You know it`s no one`s fault and deep down you`ll realise it`s not helpful but in some way it`s a form of grief which I hope you will get through.

Please keep posting here. There are so many who will understand how you feel. No one will be judgemental. All will be sympathetic and understanding and I hope it will help.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Hi @Ali north east, it is quite normal to feel that way. I think you are missing your 'old' Mum and are probably grieving for her - dementia is often referred to as the long goodbye. It can feel very unfair and extremely daunting. It might help to think of 'new' Mum and 'old' Mum, your expectations of 'New' Mum should be different. It takes some time to get used to the situation and you are probably still in that period of adjustment, but I'm sure you will find your own way - it isn't easy at all and can feel extremely frustrating, but you will adapt in time. We have all walked in your shoes and had those feelings. It's good that you are able to share. Take care of yourself and stay strong.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,933
South coast
It can be very hard communicating with someone who has dementia. You keep expecting them to respond the way they always have done and then, of course, they dont. You are indeed mourning the mum you had.

You dont say whether you live with her, or are visiting. Its much harder when you live with them as its all day. Try and let the repetitions and the untrue stories (confabulations) just wash over you and learn to make neutral noises - well well, you dont say? I would like to have seen that etc.
BTW - the confabulations are the product of damaged memory - the brain is trying to make sense of what is left, so it takes bits and pieces of real events (often from different times), stuff seen on TV, or things people have said and a lot of imagination, then mixes it all up to produce false memories which fills the gaps in actual memories. To her, though, they will seem like the real thing, so dont try and correct her, unless its something that distresses her and even then you might be better off saying that you will sort it out rather than telling her that she is wrong.

Try asking her about her childhood - what was school like? How did your mum used to do the washing? Things like that will be more clear to her than recent events. Also, break up the repeated conversation loop by making a cup of tea or even going to the loo.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,164
Victoria, Australia
Hi we found out before xmas my mam has Alzheimer’s and she has been put on medication , we have seen specialist and talked to her nurses so we know what to expect . But I get so mad at her when she repeats things and says things that aren’t true , I am finding it really hard to spend time with her . I know this makes me sound heartless but I feel mad with her for getting this even though I know she has no control over any of it , I try not to let her see how I feel but I know sometimes I can be a little sharp with her. Please tell me am not the only one who has felt this way? Or am I just a horrible daughter , I feel like am mourning the mam I had and replacing her with one I don’t know at all,
This disease can be very frustrating for everybody concerned and the things you are feeling are common and very understandable.

When my husband was diagnosed almost six years ago, I felt all consuming resentment and anger about the whole rotten thing. I understood in my mind that Alzheimer's was not his fault but I felt totally that I was the victim of his disease. Every little thing he did irked me and I found it so hard to resolve to come to terms with the change in my life.

I know that I was making it all about what I was experiencing. I really could see that he was having trouble dealing with it himself but this was a huge change in our lives. While I was reading your post, I couldn't but help wonder if your reaction to your mum was more of a response to how this is going to alter not only your relationship with your mum, but your own life. You have talked with the specialist and the nurses but you are still feeling your way and none of us know what lies ahead with this disease.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,654
N Ireland
Hello @Ali north east.

If it helps you to know I had the same feelings for a while after my wife's diagnosis but with time things settled. Even though my wife's condition has progressed over the last few years I have found that things like the repeated statements/questions and the unusual behaviours just seem like water off a ducks back to me now. I hope that things will settle as far as your ability to cope is concerned.

I wonder if you have found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

As communicating may be an issue, a few handy tips can be picked from the useful thread that can be reached with this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

All the best to both you and your mam.
 

Durham Mark

New member
Apr 8, 2020
1
Hi we found out before xmas my mam has Alzheimer’s and she has been put on medication , we have seen specialist and talked to her nurses so we know what to expect . But I get so mad at her when she repeats things and says things that aren’t true , I am finding it really hard to spend time with her . I know this makes me sound heartless but I feel mad with her for getting this even though I know she has no control over any of it , I try not to let her see how I feel but I know sometimes I can be a little sharp with her. Please tell me am not the only one who has felt this way? Or am I just a horrible daughter , I feel like am mourning the mam I had and replacing her with one I don’t know at all,
Hello Ali,

Hopefully I can offer you some reassurance because I have been through what you are going through and even today I still have periods of feeling guilty and that I’m not doing enough to look after my father. Two things you must know, no you are not the only one who has felt this way (it is very, very common for those who care to feel this way) and no you are certainly not being a horrible daughter. The fact you have shared and expressed your feelings demonstrates to me you are a very kind, loving and considerate daughter so please never lose that thought. My dad will often repeat himself and say things which are not true or believes he has heard/seen things which have never happened or are not there. I have learned not to argue or disagree - it never works - in an attempt to try and get him to understand what he is saying is not right. I always try to let my dad feel I’m agreeing with him. What I have found works well is the use of ‘diversionary tactics’. I focus on the things he likes to talk about such as the job he did for thirty years, the laughs he had (and still has) and some of the characters he worked with and loyal friends he made. He used to love walking in the Lake District and all over the North East etc., the two dogs he had all appear to take him to a happy place. It is also very important to look after yourself, “who cares for the carer”? I have found the Alzheimer’s Society, and Carers Trust to be fantastic, utilising respite care can also help, the better you can feel within yourself should make it easier to handle these challenging situations.

Easier said than done but please try and stay strong, laugh when appropriate to do so and remember you are not alone. Kind regards Mark.
 

wonderfulmum

Registered User
Aug 20, 2015
44
Hi we found out before xmas my mam has Alzheimer’s and she has been put on medication , we have seen specialist and talked to her nurses so we know what to expect . But I get so mad at her when she repeats things and says things that aren’t true , I am finding it really hard to spend time with her . I know this makes me sound heartless but I feel mad with her for getting this even though I know she has no control over any of it , I try not to let her see how I feel but I know sometimes I can be a little sharp with her. Please tell me am not the only one who has felt this way? Or am I just a horrible daughter , I feel like am mourning the mam I had and replacing her with one I don’t know at all,
I can understand, this lockdown is magnifying issues. With my mum repeating and repeating and repeating to the point I'm having to walk away and cry. I've even written large messages all over the house and hung them everywhere so she maybe wouldn't ask as much as to why she can't go to town, or visit relatives etc but mum still asking regardless all the time. I feel this lockdown has made things 20 times worse by not being able to go out to Day Centre, taking mum out shopping, for coffee etc. She's as much stuck with me as I am with mum. Its not easy being their full time carer. To top it all I received a letter advising how much carers allowance they will give me. If only they did one day of what we go thru. Mums one day walk is not enough for her either. Take one day at a time is the only thing I can do... Feels like Groundhog Day!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,709
Bedford
No you are not the only one. Until I read, learnt and experienced I used to to get so frustrated with my Mum asking the same question or telling me the same thing over and over. I do still get impatient sometimes if i am not in the best of moods and then have the guilty feelings that I should be more patient
Initially I would correct Mum’s confabulation but I can actually cope with these far better and manage to make the appropriate responses most, but not all, of the time.. My brother is probably the opposite but sees Mum a lot less.
I had only just started to get to know my Mum as a person (rather than a rather strict, formal Mother) when she received her diagnosis but now I just get glimpses.
I wish you all the best and you will find a way.
 

Ali north east

New member
Nov 29, 2019
3
I can understand, this lockdown is magnifying issues. With my mum repeating and repeating and repeating to the point I'm having to walk away and cry. I've even written large messages all over the house and hung them everywhere so she maybe wouldn't ask as much as to why she can't go to town, or visit relatives etc but mum still asking regardless all the time. I feel this lockdown has made things 20 times worse by not being able to go out to Day Centre, taking mum out shopping, for coffee etc. She's as much stuck with me as I am with mum. Its not easy being their full time carer. To top it all I received a letter advising how much carers allowance they will give me. If only they did one day of what we go thru. Mums one day walk is not enough for her either. Take one day at a time is the only thing I can do... Feels like Groundhog Day!
I totaly agree I cannot get Mam to understand why she cannot go out or why everyone cannot go to her house x
 

Rob_E

Registered User
Feb 1, 2015
196
Liverpool
Absolutely it's normal, I can very much relate to how you feel and have felt the same and still do but have learnt some strategies to help deal with it. There's some really good advice in this thread on how to deal with what is a very difficult situation. Certainly it makes things easier if you can change the way you communicate with your mother and what you expect. I tend to just agree with things that mum says now and acknowledge them by nodding and saying yes, even if it's complete nonsense. I realised that there is no point asking her questions as she is at a stage where she just simply can't answer them now.

My mum was diagnosed in 2014 but something hasn't been right for decades, be it a very early stage of dementia or some kind of learning difficultly, I wouldn't know, and suspect that no one could answer that. It is incredibly frustrating though, especially at the moment with this lock down, I have a brother and sister who haven't been in touch once to ask how things are over this time or offer any support. We still have the carers coming in to help twice daily during the week, some of them I know quite well now and it's a relief to be able to have a normal conversation with someone!

You haven't said if you are getting any help from carers but it may be worth looking into, it can feel like a big step but it can make a big difference!
 

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
116,923
Messages
1,710,523
Members
67,684
Latest member
Susan53