I am getting upset with dad talking to mum the way he does

[Lynn b]

Hi, help! Am finding this hard, when i see mum and dad (mum has disease) he just talks about her in front of her, he tell us how she causes him iagro, sleeps in her jeans, washes up in cold water, hides her bras! You name it, i know he has ro vent but does he have to make her feel silly, she rolls her eyes and i try to laugh it off, i tell him he is getting annoyed by stuff he should just ignore, my only comfort is she will never rememebr he is being so attacking, how can inget him to go easy on her? He wont let any support in apart fro me and my brother, i have explained that alzheimers groups can give em access to people in same potion as him but he just says he cantbe bothered witl listening to everyone elses problems if i speak to him i worry he will take it as criticism and take on the " you dont know what it is like" approach, it is i
Like eggshells

 

[marionq]

At Alz groups you will probably never hear people asking about problems or moaning. They are too busy enjoying themselves! There are staff there to talk to of course if you do want to raise an issue but most people get on with what is on offer whether it is singing or walking or bowling or whatever. He is not helping her. Try to organise day care for her at a centre. Contact social services.

 

[Lynn b]

Have done this week, social service have been just waiting for paperworkx

 

[Linbrusco]

Hi LynnB I don't have any words of wisdom, but just wanted you to know am in a similar position.

My mum 73 was diagnosed with Alzheimers Aug last year, but symptoms were there at least a year before.
In the beginning I found myself increasingly frustrated and angry with my Dad who just didn't get Mums Alzheimers at all. I was ( and still am at times) a constant referree between the two.
When I thought, he would be more caring and show compassion and understanding he did not.
He would make fun of her and constantly put her down. Getting angry when she forgot things, or repeated herself. Make comments like " you can't cook anymore" " you don't know how how to do things"
One time as a joke he hid her medication
My parents live behind us in their own home, so there is generally always someone here, but if we are out somewhere, or late back he has no problem going out and leaving Mum on her own. Mum forgets to lock the door, or wear her pendant alarm in case of a fall etc
If you question him why he left Mum on her own he says, that Mum said it was OK for him to go out.
I don't begrudge Dad going out, but he gets respite from Mum 3 days a week when she goes to an Alzheimers activity group. I take her grocery shopping another day, and on a weekend I usually take Mum out shopping or for a coffee. In between, Mum is often over at our house. The only respite I get is when I am a work, which is now just 3 days.

All this is despite Dad seeing a Key worker from the Alzheimers Society, and talking to our family GP. My one saving grace is that both Mum and Dad accept any appointments at hospital, visits from Needs Asesment or Memory Teams. They are resisitant to home help though.

I found all this a lot harder to deal with than Mums own Alzheimers
I have never had to tell Dad off so many times in all my life. Have always hated confrontation, but where Mums concerned I have had to learn to say my mind.

Earlier this year when Dad had to see his GP, he did a memory test which Dad didn't do too well on. An appt was made with the memory team, and he had a brain CT scan.
There was frontal lobe atrophy, and small vessel disease. Along with all his memory tests, which he didn't score too badly for his age he was diagnosed with cognitive impairment.
Along with his usual personality this explains all along Dads behaviour towards Mum.

Things are getting a little better with time. Not with Mums Alzheimers of course but Dads acceptance of the situation and understanding what Mum can and can't do.
Still have to referee occasionally