I’m so tired of the guilt, the stress, the anxiety…

Hesky

New member
Aug 19, 2022
2
0
Hi, new here - sorry for the grim title but it really says it all.

My Nan (who adopted me, her granddaughter - so she’s basically my mum) has had vascular dementia and Alzheimers for over four years now. She’s 86 and her husband of 65 years marriage died in 2018, which is when it came to light just how BAD her memory was getting.

She‘s progressively got worse and worse over the years, now at the point where she doesn’t understand how to work her phone, really look after herself or her poor two little pug dogs. I regularly come in to clean, try to get her to eat and suffer through her sometimes very abusive and nasty tirades. I put up notices with little smiley faces ‘Tea bags in this cupboard!‘ etc, and when I come to visit a few days later, I find she’s LITERALLY burned them and thrown them in the bin.

Both me and my aunt (her daughter) have been begging, BEGGING for help from her GP… social services, anyone who will listen. Only in the last year has there been someone phoning back acknowledging ‘Huh, yes Mrs - - - is really not doing well, let’s see what help we can set up…”
Except nothing happens. I’ve literally had someone come round to ‘assess’ her, watch her out her clothes into the cupboard thinking shes washing them in a washing machine and then not heard a thing since.

I’m just so done. I work 50 hours a work or more and I try to help out at least twice a week. Cleaning, bringing meals…having a chat. And each visit is more miserable than the last. This woman literally sits there telling me how much she wants to die, how she doesn’t want to be on her own and how she wants me to live with her. THAT especially has been her obsession.

To be clear, my aunt has suggested she move in with her where she can care for her AND her dogs, but no. She wants to stay in her own home. I get it, but also her life just seems to be pure misery.

Her neighbours have suggested on more than one occasion that I move in with her but while I’ve thought about it and even stayed with her for the odd weekend, I’ve quickly realised I CANNOT cope mentally with the amount of stress caring for her and having to be around her dementia symptoms 24/7.

To top it off, one of her dogs now has raging diarrhoea because she keeps feeding it a mixture of all sorts… baked beans, salad, fried beef. Whenever I’ve explained this to anyone, people laugh and go ’Hah, dog eats better than me!’ And I have to stare… because she’s literally killing the poor dog, with that and not being able to give any of it’s necessary medication etc… it’s just cruel.

Once again, sorry for the rant - I’m 35 and I feel like my life is just passing me by and I’m waiting for this all to be over, horrible I know but I can’t help think that.

Any advice? Especially about the dogs? I don’t want to traumatise my Nan by taking away her dogs but I literally think her lack of care for them is now trespassing into neglect.
 

Pinkcat

New member
Aug 14, 2022
4
0
Hi there, you can phone adult social services and request a care needs assessment, then maybe you could get help for your relative. Don't feel guilty, you have to live your own life. Would your relative want anything else for you? Regarding the dogs, are there any volunteer organisations who would walk them etc?? I don't know if that helps, but if you can get a GP on side surely they can refer to the local authority. Good luck.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
433
0
Hi

I agree with Pinkcat definitely ring up and ask for a care needs assessment. It would be kinder to the animals for them to be looked after elsewhere of course it would be as your Nan cannot look after herself never mind a dog but for the moment , I think this charity The Cinnamon Trust – The National Charity for the elderly, the ...https://cinnamon.org.uk do have volunteers that can offer some help with walking and care. I have popped the link here. There may be other options in your own area like a dog walker/sitter. It is hard not to feel guilt. I do but then some of my own Dad's choices have been and are his own still. You can only do so much is what I have learnt.
 

Annam196

New member
Aug 21, 2022
2
0
Hi, new here - sorry for the grim title but it really says it all.

My Nan (who adopted me, her granddaughter - so she’s basically my mum) has had vascular dementia and Alzheimers for over four years now. She’s 86 and her husband of 65 years marriage died in 2018, which is when it came to light just how BAD her memory was getting.

She‘s progressively got worse and worse over the years, now at the point where she doesn’t understand how to work her phone, really look after herself or her poor two little pug dogs. I regularly come in to clean, try to get her to eat and suffer through her sometimes very abusive and nasty tirades. I put up notices with little smiley faces ‘Tea bags in this cupboard!‘ etc, and when I come to visit a few days later, I find she’s LITERALLY burned them and thrown them in the bin.

Both me and my aunt (her daughter) have been begging, BEGGING for help from her GP… social services, anyone who will listen. Only in the last year has there been someone phoning back acknowledging ‘Huh, yes Mrs - - - is really not doing well, let’s see what help we can set up…”
Except nothing happens. I’ve literally had someone come round to ‘assess’ her, watch her out her clothes into the cupboard thinking shes washing them in a washing machine and then not heard a thing since.

I’m just so done. I work 50 hours a work or more and I try to help out at least twice a week. Cleaning, bringing meals…having a chat. And each visit is more miserable than the last. This woman literally sits there telling me how much she wants to die, how she doesn’t want to be on her own and how she wants me to live with her. THAT especially has been her obsession.

To be clear, my aunt has suggested she move in with her where she can care for her AND her dogs, but no. She wants to stay in her own home. I get it, but also her life just seems to be pure misery.

Her neighbours have suggested on more than one occasion that I move in with her but while I’ve thought about it and even stayed with her for the odd weekend, I’ve quickly realised I CANNOT cope mentally with the amount of stress caring for her and having to be around her dementia symptoms 24/7.

To top it off, one of her dogs now has raging diarrhoea because she keeps feeding it a mixture of all sorts… baked beans, salad, fried beef. Whenever I’ve explained this to anyone, people laugh and go ’Hah, dog eats better than me!’ And I have to stare… because she’s literally killing the poor dog, with that and not being able to give any of it’s necessary medication etc… it’s just cruel.

Once again, sorry for the rant - I’m 35 and I feel like my life is just passing me by and I’m waiting for this all to be over, horrible I know but I can’t help think that.

Any advice? Especially about the dogs? I don’t want to traumatise my Nan by taking away her dogs but I literally think her lack of care for them is now trespassing into neglect.
Hi There firstly I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I wish I could offer you advice but sadly I'm going through the exact thing. I'm 38 and live with my mum and dementia. She doesn't let me do anything and even going to work is impossible, she bangs doors and windows throwing things etc etc, including attacking me. Swearing saying I only care about myself. Do not move in with your mum you need your own life. No one seems to get it, social services and Drs are no use.
 

Hesky

New member
Aug 19, 2022
2
0
Hi There firstly I would like to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I wish I could offer you advice but sadly I'm going through the exact thing. I'm 38 and live with my mum and dementia. She doesn't let me do anything and even going to work is impossible, she bangs doors and windows throwing things etc etc, including attacking me. Swearing saying I only care about myself. Do not move in with your mum you need your own life. No one seems to get it, social services and Drs are no use.
Thank you - I’m so sorry about your position too. These are such cruel disorders aren’t they? I sympathise and stand with you - please look after yourself and take time for yourself when you can.

I had a bit of ’time out’ at the weekend to try and reflect, you know - back when my Nan was more like a mum, was more herself etc. Its sad to come to terms with the fact that this current person isn’t that person any more, that person who was your mum wouldn’t be treating you like this.

I do agree about people not getting it, I have various friends who seem to have this.. romanticised version of dementia and Alzheimer’s like oh it’s just a sweet little old lady/man etc. They can just watch the same film over and over and be sooo amused! How hard can it be to have to repeat some things sometimes? Errr, yeah okay. ?

Well, I have an assessment lined up for her anyway and I emphasised how quickly her overall health was declining so hopefully that’ll get things done a bit more briskly (although you know, NHS - I can only dream.)

Thank you so much for the cinnamon trust link - I’m going to try hem now. Hah, try everything! Gosh.

Thank you, thank you. I don’t feel like I’m totally alone.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
433
0
Hi

This is why forums like this are important. We can't cure or solve what is happening but sometimes being around others who are sharing similar experiences is helpful at times when you feel alone. ?