Aftrr 51 years of marriage, i have hsd to place my husband in memory care. It has been 10 days of utter hell. As much as his habits were driving me crazy at home, i feel like half of a person. I am incredibly sad snd tearful over losing him from our home. I had no idea how difficult it would be and i find myself second-guessing my decision and if i did the right thing.
Husband in Memory Care
- Thread starter Donna_M
- Start date
My wife went into care as I had to go into hospital, I came out, she didn't and rattling around our home over over 30 years isn't fun anymore.
At least her passing away was some kind of closure, but no secret I'm finding moving on hard, you're not alone, thank you for posting. K
At least her passing away was some kind of closure, but no secret I'm finding moving on hard, you're not alone, thank you for posting. K
I’m hoping this all gets easier but this is as bad or worse than a death. He is so unhappy, only wanting to go home. I’m hardly able to eat and feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Thank you for your reply. I would say I’m so sorry about your wife’s death, but you lost her long before. I am praying that my husband doesn’t last terribly long at MC and that he will be released from this insidious disease.
Hello @Donna_M and welcome
I think moving someone into permanent care is always hard, heartbreaking and overlayed with guilt, even though you know it is for the best. The guilt monster whispers in your ear that you gave up too soon, you didnt try hard enough and this time it will be different. Dont listen to it.
10 days is actually very early days and it is normal at this stage for the person with dementia to be unsettled and wanting to come home. It will take a good couple of months for both of you to adjust to the new situation. He will need to transfer his dependence from you to the staff and learn the routines and layout, which will take a while. At this stage it is best to keep your visits short and sweet. I used to take in mums favourite cake, chocolate or sweets (candy) when I visited so that I could produce it as a distraction if she started getting upset. Also watch your body language - I found that mum could pick up on my body language and would mirror my moods. If I was unhappy, she would be too, but if I was cheerful she would be much better, so staple on a bright cheerful face, even though you wont be feeling it underneath.
It will get better. Many people on here have found it has improved their relationship and you can go back to being a wife and not a frazzled caregiver
xx
I think moving someone into permanent care is always hard, heartbreaking and overlayed with guilt, even though you know it is for the best. The guilt monster whispers in your ear that you gave up too soon, you didnt try hard enough and this time it will be different. Dont listen to it.
10 days is actually very early days and it is normal at this stage for the person with dementia to be unsettled and wanting to come home. It will take a good couple of months for both of you to adjust to the new situation. He will need to transfer his dependence from you to the staff and learn the routines and layout, which will take a while. At this stage it is best to keep your visits short and sweet. I used to take in mums favourite cake, chocolate or sweets (candy) when I visited so that I could produce it as a distraction if she started getting upset. Also watch your body language - I found that mum could pick up on my body language and would mirror my moods. If I was unhappy, she would be too, but if I was cheerful she would be much better, so staple on a bright cheerful face, even though you wont be feeling it underneath.
It will get better. Many people on here have found it has improved their relationship and you can go back to being a wife and not a frazzled caregiver
xx
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Oh my word, that sounds so familiar, I felt exactly the same when after 46 years together I had to make that decision, it’s been 5 months now and although I’m starting to feel like I have done the right thing it is still hard, but I am getting better at accepting that I had no choice and I have put my husbands needs before mine. I promise you it will slowly start to get better for you, reach out to family and friends, although it’s times like this when you find out who your real friends are. This is an excellent forum to share your journey with and get support, sending you lots of love. Xx
Hi @Donna_M and welcome. You have received good advice above. I can confirm from direct experience that moving someone into a care home is hard but that it often gets better. I adapted to living at home without my wife but - after 40 years together - still miss her. But I know that she is well looked after in a way that I could no longer manage. She seems settled and content but this wasn't achieved straight away. Give it time and when you have doubts or need support don't hesitate to come back here.
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