Hubby going downhill

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by sunlover, Oct 30, 2015.

  1. sunlover

    sunlover Registered User

    Dec 6, 2011
    55
    My patience is going down hill,I tell him to have a shower,lay th clothes on the bed in a order(I was a nursery school teacher!)say he needs to shave and brush his teeth and then ready fo the day.

    At the moment collecting for the Poppy Day but will be off too Isle of Islay
    Day,a mazing relaxing place.
     
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    My past posts I have had rants about OH. Thought we may separate and more. He said I tried to control too much. Like you I told him what to do.Now I generally leave him too it . If we are not going anywhere does it matter if the jumper is dirty, he has two t shirts on ,hasn't shaved. Not really so why make a fuss. I suggest the changes when it matters and he is then quiet receptive. Patience is a virtue , but sometimes this simple virtue disappears big time.
    Isle of Islay sounds nice , have a relaxing time .
     
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,093
    Yorkshire
    Some days just gobble up the patience. don't they, and time with it :p
    I was a teacher too - though secondary - and sometimes feel it works against me, as, of course, I expected my students to pick up my routines and get on with them - but sadly, with the dementia, dad is rather unravelling than getting it together. So I'm learning to go backwards with my expectations too. EG Went from laying things out to handing them over in the right order.
    Grand that you collect for such a fantastic cause - I do Marie Curie. Only a few hours but easily done and satisfying - people are so lovely when they talk to me of their experiences.
    ENJOY the Isle of Islay - just looked it up!
     
  4. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    My parents were both teachers. Mum was a teacher to the end. I can spot teachers a mile off. I digress:).
     
  5. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Guilty, as charged over here! :eek: Business Studies and Careers. And also Maths and IT when required! I have always been anally organised, and make list after list, and, in the early days, felt so frustrated when John didn't follow what, I felt, were simple and clear instructions.

    Mine was a very s-l-o-w and long learning curve - but we all get there in the end. It's just a case of finding out what works for you. You learn to choose which battles are worth fighting. In our case, wearing 2 shirts, at the same time, wasn't worth making a fuss about, but putting an extra pair of his Y-fronts on, over his trousers, a la Superman, definitely was! :)
     
  6. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    I think 'learning which battles are worth fighting' is one of the hardest lessons, we want our partners to look smart, clean and tidy because if they don't, it appears to be a reflection of how we care for them. Eventually I have realised that, provided basic cleanliness is achieved, a bit of stubble, stains down the front of a jumper, or two shirts on is a small price to pay to maintain some sort of accord. Not to mention eating pudding before main course, which Bernard does in hospital occasionally because everything comes on one tray. As long as he's eating does it really matter... now if we were dining in the Ritz it might be different!! xx


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  7. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,908
    Female
    Scotland
    Yet another former secondary teacher here. High aspirations are good in their place but just don't work with dementia do they? John showers endlessly in the morning and still comes out of the bathroom with a shave that looks like Desperate Dan. He seems to have lost the knack of shower, shave, teeth brushed and yet takes ages to make a hash of it.

    Multiple layers of vests and shirts - tick. Irritation with my schoolteachery requests for more efficiency - tick. Eating in any order he fancies - tick.

    Once you choose your battles you can see how pointless much of the energy we expend is. Far better to forget old ways of doing things and find which ways work now with the least hassle while still remaining hygienic and civilised.
     
  8. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    I had a career in education working with teachers and learners of all ages. I was thinking this morning how different it is caring for someone with dementia from teaching or even being with a child.
    All learners make progress, albeit in slow steps for some, but we know, as carers, that even though we say something 20 times (common occurrence) it won't be any better tomorrow.
    I find that very hard as I'm sure everyone else does.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  9. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    So true. Also, if a 2 year old makes a mistake, then poos and wets themselves, they're so sweet and loveable, that you don't feel the slightest bit irritated, and they're so cute. :) "Cuteness" was never in my vocabulary, caring for John, when he did the same sort of thing. ;)

    I acquired patience levels that I never knew existed, and had to prioritise battle-fighting to preserve my own sanity. For years I corrected him when he said "Is it Thursday?" - for some reason this was his favourite phrase - because I thought that if I corrected him, it would help keep the AD from getting worse.

    Once I started saying "yes", whatever day of the week it was, it stopped me getting wound-up and agitated, and pleased him, because he wanted to be right. I believe "exasperated" describes my caring moods for a lot of the time, especially in the middle years, but, as I've said before, as time goes on, you have to choose which battles are worth fighting.

    Lots of cyber-hugs to all you carers out there. :):):)
     
  10. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    2,440
    Yorkshire
    Scarlett, your words are always so wise and so supportive. Thank you again. You are right that making husbands happy preserves our own sanity. BUT there is a need at times to correct wrong statements or actions and that makes us both exasperated so why do it? I don't know the answer to that but we are still a bit at that stage and in the middle years.

    I will learn and adapt because I have to and for my sanity and husband's contentment and TP will help me. Hugs back x



    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  11. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Absolutely. When John would accuse me of having affairs with half the country, or stealing his money, or worse still "hiding things so that I think I'm going mad", I didn't stand there with a halo, murmuring "yes dear". :eek:

    Your key words and phrases are "learn", "adapt", and "for my sanity". It's like walking the longest journey, bare footed, on a path full of broken glass, and trying not to cut your feet. In other words - impossible. But we all do our best. :)
     
  12. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    997
    Colchester
    Sunlover

    All of the replies from your initial letter are so relevant to me. Lately the worse thing is that he keeps on saying 'What can I do to help.' Well actually nothing. But I try to find something like drying a couple of cups up or folding some laundry for him, knowing that it won't happen. So after being asked for the twelth time 'Can i help.' I am losing it and say 'Don't keep asking. You never do anything that i suggest.' I know I shouldn't and then he gets really down and says either that he is going home (he doesn't think he lives here)or that he is sorry for being useless. Pretty much everything that has to be done I have to be there. All personal care, even getting in and out of the car takes ages sometimes. I have to show him where the bathroom is everytime he needs it except during the night. The only reason I can think of for that ,is the way is lit at night and he must just follow the light. He is always saying can we go and see my mum and dad soon. I just say maybe tomorrow I am a bit busy now. What joy. x
     
  13. witsend~1

    witsend~1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2014
    31
    North Lincolnshire
    What to do!

    My poor Pete. He's off colour today. Taken me 3 hours to get him to take his tablets and drink a small glass of milk. At least he's eaten a cooked breakfast. I can't get him out of the kitchen. He's 'dropping off' at the table but gets annoyed with my constant pestering. Started to become incontinent from time to time. I work full time and leave his clothes laid out in order, his tablets and glass of water on the table. I also leave his breakfast for him, all he has to do is make his toast (i leave the bread on a covered plate) Couldn't get the toaster to work properly yesterday so had a look at it. Found a slice of bacon in it! Very worried for him, ring him to check and remind him but now realise he can't manage. Tried SS but got told there is no-one covering our village. SS came out for an assessment, agreed 2 visits per day (on the proviso they can find some-one) Pete said no! I have to over-ride him and get the ball rolling again, he can't manage. Just putting thoughts on line because I have no-one to talk to. His kids (2nd marriage) could care less and rarely call, let alone visit or offer help.I'm tired of making excuses for them and have stopped giving them updates. He's not showered or washed for weeks. Was hoping to persuade him today but there is no chance. I know that I'm not saying anything new here. We are all in the same boat. I just need to give vent. I suppose like everyone else I am lonely. My friends can only listen so much and have problems of their own.
    I sometimes wish I could have a fly on the wall documentary over the course of a week just so that people would understand and that the Govt authorities truly understood the issues. Sorry this is so disjointed and probably doesn't make much sense. Just going to see if I can get him to move from the kitchen table after 4 hours. Thanks for listening.x
     
  14. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Casbow, there is absolutely nothing I can say that is going to make things easier for you, but I just want you to know that I understand everything you're describing. None of us are so saintly, that we can get through this awful disease, without feeling tense, exasperated, or downright fed up.

    When John forgot where the toilet was (I live in a bungalow), I toyed with the idea of an arrow on the wall, but by that stage, he wouldn't have understood it anyway, and would probably have asked a zillion times "what's that for", instead of "where's the toilet". ;)

    Oodles of cybr-hugs coming your way xxxxxx
     
  15. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Please always come on here and vent, because you'll always get understanding and sympathy on TP. You've got so much on your plate, what with working full time as well. I couldn't agree more about a documentary. It takes seconds to describe your events, but you have to see them, or experience them, to truly understand.

    I hope you can get SS on board, cos you sure need some help. xxx
     
  16. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    997
    Colchester
    Witsend

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are all having a bad time but to have to go to work as well, well I know I couldn't do it. If you have to work then you really need SS to help you and you need to be really emphatic that you are worried about leaving him and what potentially might happen. I couldn't leave my husband at all un less there was someone there. You should not be in this situation. You either need to have the help to stay at home or much more help to leave him.Good luck. Stick up for yourself and make SS take notice.I can't believe what you are dealing with on your own.xxx
     
  17. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    It is a constant worry when you are at work . To the point sometimes of it affecting your work. I stopped work a year ago as I did a 105 mile round trip a day and knew I couldn't get home quickly enough in a crisis. This has impacts of its own ,not least for us the loss of good money coming in the house to no money. For me I miss it so much. So try to keep working if you can or can you do job share or part time. Shout loudly for more support,anyone living with this knows just how much you need it.
     

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