How would you deal with this..

[Linbrusco]

Sorry, I feel like a stuck record, but this is driving me insane.

Mum 72 with mid stage AD about to start Aricept.
Dad 75 nothing diagnosed but I feel he has cognitive impairment. Memory reasonably good, but some behavioural issues. Nothing new, just worse as he gets older.

Dad has been spoken to by our family GP, me, my sister, Key Worker from Alzheimers Soc.
Mostly he js helpful. Cooks 4 nights out of 7 for Mum. The other 3, I will prepare a meal or Mum will make herself something simple like a toasted sandwich or soup.
He will get Mum breakfast in bed, make her a coffee, vaccuum & mop the floors.
What I find hard (and I have told him off) is his constant put downs of Mum.

You can't cook, you don't know how.
You can't bake, you can't knit ... He says this in a mocking tone.
You've told me that fifty times already.

Mum will watch a TV programme and he will laugh because she will forget she has, and watch it again the next day as I programme their Sky.

The other day Mum told me that he said she was useless.
Mum does get upset at what Dad says, but just sometimes she will let fly with a four letter word
I have Mum going out 3x a week for 2 hrs for respite through Alzheimers Society.


I have spoken to our GP, and he will see Dad shortly as he is due a checkup, but as I am Mums main carer otherwise, it's not making things easier

 

[Officeboy Sean]

I am sorry if this is a rude or unkind question, but are the comments from your Dad totally out of character? or was he someone who could sometimes be overly snappy/critical if he was tired/stressed at work or upset?
I was just wondering whether it is although hurtful the sort of way he might have sometimes let out stress when he was younger/fully ok and is partly struggling with the change in roles of being a carer for most of the week

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi,
First of all what were your parents like before the dementia? My parents although there was love there, was a very hyper charged and argumentative kind of relationship. My mum was very quick to respond to sarcasm (my dad was a master class of this) and always stood up for herself and would shout back. Our childhood memories of all this shouting and argueing overides most of my good memories. My dad became ill just over two years ago and had cancer (we did not know at the time) and mum was becoming forgetful and very spiteful and would talk about him behind his back saying he was dirty and did not wash and lazy etc. I was concerned and she was eventually put on Aricept. Dad became worse and we were back and forwards to hospital and mum was a nightmare (stress I suppose and dealing with the dementia). When dad came home he would call my mum stupid and thick in the head!! I also think he was becoming mentally unwell. So he would rather get his oar in and she would shout and swear back. I would tell my dad that mum was showing signs of dementia but I really don't think he could grasp the reality of what was happening. They had many years of marriage with this kind of behaviour towards each other and it just became worse. I think after over 50 years of marriage they was not going to change. You may be able to relate to that or it may be the dementia is taking its toll on your dad and he cannot cope or he may just have that kind of personality. My siblings are exactly the same and are unable to listen, reason with and continued the cycle of aggressive comments and shouting at their children. Luckily I was able to learn that life should not be like that. How I would deal with this is to look at the past on how your parents behaved and if your dad can be reasonable. If he isn't then you have a tough job. More importantly do not get into the cycle of joining in their gossip, unacceptable banter towards eachother and when they start you could change the cycle to say nice things they have done.

 

[Linbrusco]

Thanks for the replies

Dads has always made jokes at Mums expense... his behaviour is nothing new just worse as he gets older.
He has never been one for handling stress or a crisis, and will either say nothing or make a joke, or get angry. You have never been able to have a rational in-depth discussion with Dad about anything.
The Alzheimers Key Worker wanted Dad to go on a carers course.
A 4 week course for 2 hrs, in a group discussion, introducing yourself, reading handouts, watching power point presentation, listen to a psychologist.
I attended this myself, so I know exactly that its something that dad would not sit through. It would interfere with his TV programmes and sport

I just can't get why, when he has been told by all and sundry that Mum has AD, that it can't seem to sink in why she repeats herself, why she can't remember...
to make fun of Mum when she was well was one thing, because she could stick up for herself. Now its just so upsetting to see and hear.
He often gets angry, (nothing new either) and to be honest I worry more about Mums mental well being.
But then there are time where he will make Mum laugh which is good to see.

This is causing me more upset and anxiety than Mums condition itself at this stage.

So far when Dad starts like this I quickly change the subject or use distraction.

 

[zeeeb]

You are definitely not alone on this. My dad is quite awful to my mum at times, puts her down , makes her feel stupid, says embarrassing things to other people about her in front of her, humiliating.

He works like a dog for her in a practical sense, cooks, cleans, takes her places, deals with other medical appointments, medications, manages the home and finances, deals with her millions of medical and anxiety and depression problems.

But yeah, what can you do? Nobody else would take on her full time care unless they were being paid to do so. Including myself or my sister. Is it better or worse for her at home? She's not bad enough for a nursing home yet, so she's stuck with him. No matter how bad it is at home, its a fine line to decide if she'd be better off in residential care.

Their relationship was always far from perfect, as with many relationships, but far from abusive and horrific. So it'll carry on that way through illness I presume. She contemplated leaving him 15 years ago, and decided to stay for the financial security. She had her chance, but now, her choices are him or a nursing home. Not a great alternative.

 

[Katrine]

What strikes me Linbrusco is that your Dad and Mum always had this volatile relationship which you found upsetting as a child but they've obviously thrived on it because they are still together. It may be hard to accept but some people like to have drama and conflict in their marriage. In a perverse way it says "I care enough to get angry, I show my feelings by shouting and swearing. If I didn't care about you I'd ignore you."

People hate change in the dynamics of relationships and will work very hard to put the other person back in the position that they are used to. Someone who has always been overweight goes on a diet and their loved ones tell them they are looking gaunt and ill and try to sabotage the diet. That kind of thing. It is often threatening to those closest to us if we change. Your Dad is being challenged by what is happening to your Mum and is trying to snap her back to normal in the only way he knows how - conflict.

To me, it sounds as if your Dad is trying very hard to get the old sparks flying off your Mum. He wants all that drama back and doesn't care what he has to say to achieve it. Telling him that she has AD only means he has to work harder to break through and get her to react. You can't expect him to be Mr. Sensitive if he never has been. He'd probably do better if one of your rufty-tufty siblings went round regularly and shouted at him and said "You leave my Mum alone you old bully!" then he'd have a nice dose of drama. Forgive me if that is inappropriate.

You are aiming to make life quieter and safer for your vulnerable Mum (quite rightly!) but that doesn't seem to be the usual dynamic in your family. Reminding your Dad that your Mum is vulnerable just makes him want to pick on her more. He needs an outlet for his own stress, his anxiety about the changes in your Mum, and his need to have a good old slanging match with someone on a regular basis (and I am not suggesting you volunteer yourself for that!).

 

[Linbrusco]

Thanks to you all & TP for pointing out the obvious in my Dad ... And Mum
Someone removed from the situation always gives you a different perspective.

I think my sister & I will have to accept this is how it is, nothing much is going to change and how best to deal with it.
Doesn't make it any easier, but as much as I hate conflict & confrontation I will just have to put my Dad in his place a little bit more, but will still get the family GP to talk to him.

It gets emotionally & mentally exhausting this caring...

 

[Katrine]

Sorry Linbrusco, I've just realised it's one of Jaycee23's rufty-tufty siblings you need to borrow to shout at your Dad, I was misreading who had made that post!