how trusting our loved ones are

[marmarlade]

visiting hubby in care some times we get a good visit like today,hubby is in the later stages of dementia,he was asleep when I got there,but when he woke up the first thing he said was I know you your my mum[thats what he calls me] we had a lovely hour together,and when it was time for me to go I always take him to the lounge where other people are,I sat him down on his favorite chair,and asked him to sit and wait for me, he is so trusting thinking im coming right back [he doesnt like me to leave]it breaks my heart knowing im not telling him the truth,but he gets really upset when I do have to leave this is the only way I can do it,but its so hard and I go 3 or 4 times a week.But I know he doesnt remember but it doesnt make it any easier

 

[sleepless]

It is such a loving thing that you do, marmalade, the kindest way to take your leave of your husband.
But I can understand how it must make you feel.
It's another example of the right thing feeling wrong, which happens so often when caring for someone with dementia. The feeling it leaves us with is impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't been in that situation.

 

[Sue J]

But you do go back Marmalade and I'm sure he remembers that which is why he trusts you, the amount of time that passes in between he cannot fathom so doesn't hurt him like it hurts you Mum's watch out for everything and he evidently knows that's what you do for him

 

[love.dad.but..]

One of the hardest things to see when I had to tell dad love lies to get him to the care home 2 years ago was the trusting way he believed me that I had a meeting there and to leave him,like the trust you see in a child's eyes that totally trusts your actions and words. Even now when he has lost understanding I can't bring myself to say I am going as it seems kinder to still say am going to make a cake for tea, wash up, put the bins out etc as I had to do for the first 6 months in care otherwise he wanted to come with me. Visit dad every other day the good days are getting fewer what I call his 'emu' face or cow's slapped backside face' at me seems to have replaced smiles most days but we all carry on he might just know me for a fleeting moment not as a daughter but someone important in his dementia muddly world. I hate what this illness does.

 

[pamann]

Hello mamarlade, l find it upsetting when l leave my husband, all we really want to do is take them home with us. We know that is not the answer. My husband thinks l live in the home with him, l visit from 4pm until 9pm 5 days a week, l tell him l am going to bed, he often says l am coming with you, sometimes he says ok dear, l always say l will see you in the morning, he forgets once l have gone, l used to make a quick exit when he went to the toilet, but felt awful not saying goodbye.
Whatever way we do it we still feel very upset.

 

[jhoward]

so tough for you pamann.

 

[Scarlett123]

You're doing a wonderful job Pam. How is Ed?