How to proceed

[BunnyDM]

I am concerned that my mother has dementia and would be grateful for some advice on how to proceed.

I live and care for my mother, who is 84 years old.

6 months ago, her husband(my father) died after 64 years of marriage and she has obviously found it difficult.

At first I put her memory lapses down to stress and grief but she has difficulty remembering her telephone number and postcode (she has lived here for 16 years) and often watches a television programme one night and then denies she has seen it the next night when it is repeated.

No matter how carefully I word what I say, she seems to find any excuse to start an argument with me and then blames me for creating situations. At first I thought it was just the grief & stress but it is getting worse not better.

Her long term memory seems unaffected but she struggles with more recent events.
She has always been feisty and difficult to get on with and I know that if I suggest she get tested for dementia, not only will she be very upset (logically) but she will also explode and rant at me for days accusing me of wanting to "put her in a home" ( I don't)

My siblings (one lives abroad and the other 35 miles away) do not agree entirely with my diagnosis although the one who lives in the UK admits they have noticed the memory lapses but puts it down to old age.

How do I proceed ? Do I ignore it or do I get in touch with her doctor and tell them what I think behind my mother's back ?

I have been living and caring for my mother for the last 11 years.

Thanks

 

[Mannie]

I am concerned that my mother has dementia and would be grateful for some advice on how to proceed.

I live and care for my mother, who is 84 years old.

6 months ago, her husband(my father) died after 64 years of marriage and she has obviously found it difficult.

At first I put her memory lapses down to stress and grief but she has difficulty remembering her telephone number and postcode (she has lived here for 16 years) and often watches a television programme one night and then denies she has seen it the next night when it is repeated.

No matter how carefully I word what I say, she seems to find any excuse to start an argument with me and then blames me for creating situations. At first I thought it was just the grief & stress but it is getting worse not better.

Her long term memory seems unaffected but she struggles with more recent events.
She has always been feisty and difficult to get on with and I know that if I suggest she get tested for dementia, not only will she be very upset (logically) but she will also explode and rant at me for days accusing me of wanting to "put her in a home" ( I don't)

My siblings (one lives abroad and the other 35 miles away) do not agree entirely with my diagnosis although the one who lives in the UK admits they have noticed the memory lapses but puts it down to old age.

How do I proceed ? Do I ignore it or do I get in touch with her doctor and tell them what I think behind my mother's back ?

I have been living and caring for my mother for the last 11 years.

Thanks

My thought is that since you are with your mother much more, presumably, than your siblings, then you are in a far better position to judge.

One strategy might be to have your mother visit and stay with you sibling. being away from her normal environment will make it very clear whether there is a problem, it tends to properly expose any problems that exist, since the person if they have dementia ,cannot rely on older memories and familiarity that they use in their normal environment.

Another good check , from my experience ,would be to ask your mother cook an unfamiliar recipe, or use a map to navigate, (without her knowing that you are making observations.) if she refuses and gets defensive that ,in itself , is telling. the bluster is very likely to be a very natural form of coverup.

Secondly, memory issues are not a normal part of old age.

Another strategy to get the GP to check this out, which is urgent, is to discuss your observations with her GP, and typically they will help her, by calling their patient in for a "general health check "and include some tests as part of that.

A good strategy is to make a diary of your observations , as this will make all the difference when describing the situation to her GP. It will also help when discussing with your siblings. You could write to your mother if she is defensive when you try and talk.

From your point of view you are likely not used to taking charge of a situation, but , if this is dementia then you will need to start doing that increasingly, to help your mother, whilst maintaining her dignity as far as you are able. This is really very difficult, but needed.

There may be another cause , such as stress, depression , a stroke, or other medical reasons , but her GP will be able to do first steps and then request additional tests and or specialists as needed. They might also be able to help you with persuading your mother that is is much better to check it out than try to ignore. It could be that there is another cause.

Hope it helps.

 

[Batsue]

I suggest you make an appointment with her GP, don't tell her she is going until the day of the appointment and just say that it is for a health check, contact the GP beforehand to put them in the picture and try to accompany her when she goes in to see the doctor so that she does not tell him she is fine.

Your mum sounds just like mine and my brother did not think there was much wrong as he did not see her very often.

Good luck with getting a diagnosis.

 

[BunnyDM]

Thanks to you both, she has a doctor's appointment booked for 2 weeks time and I know her doctor is talking about referring her to a psychiatrist (she has been on anti-depressants for about 20 years now) so I will write to her doctor before the visit to advise them what I think or have noted.
I can't take her to visit my siblings, one is on the other side of the world and the other who lives 35 miles away would not entertain the idea of having her in the house although she does visit regularly here. My mother would also refuse to go there as she does not get on with her son-in-law.
I can't ask her to try different recipes etc , it's a good idea but she hasn't lifted a finger in the kitchen since my late father retired in 1990. The day he retired , he became her personal slave, doing everything for her except going to the toilet. It was as much his own volition as her demand. I now have had to step into that gap although I have been doing all the cooking and cleaning for the past 11 years in order to spare my father.
Hopefully, the doctor can determine if I am right or wrong once I forewarn them.