How to handle the guilt!

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
121
0
My man has had to go into a residential care home as I could no longer cope with his aggressive behaviour, but I feel SO guilty. The staff at the home are lovely but, even after 3 months, he asks to go home, everyday. I've tried all sorts of advice and even taken him there for visits. However the last visit ended in him trying to get out of the car on the way back. So I've said I'm not taking him for a while, but he then started being physically aggressive to me, as well as verbal. The carers are great with him and say he calms down when I'm not there. He says it's a lovely place, but he just wants to die at home.
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
690
0
This is tough. You know in your heart of hearts he is in the right place. It’s just getting your heart to keep up.
Could you afford to book in with a counsellor?
Could you start to add things to your life post residential care? Other than visiting the home I mean ? Are there any interests or friends you had to lay down because of the big D?
Time to grow and heal
Best wishes
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,979
0
Salford
Zero tolerance to violence, Polly getting beat up by my 4 foot 10 inch wasn't an issue for me, hurts but not as bad feeling you've done the wrong thing, sounds like you haven't to me.
My scars heal, physically if not emotionally, don't get hurt, please. K
 

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
121
0
This is tough. You know in your heart of hearts he is in the right place. It’s just getting your heart to keep up.
Could you afford to book in with a counsellor?
Could you start to add things to your life post residential care? Other than visiting the home I mean ? Are there any interests or friends you had to lay down because of the big D?
Time to grow and heal
Best wishes
Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are so right. Work has oftened me counselling so maybe I should take the help. Yes, getting out after visiting him each day, which is great. However I still feel guilty, because I'm enjoying my evenings and he can't. With time, I'll grow and heal, like you say.
 

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
121
0
Zero tolerance to violence, Polly getting beat up by my 4 foot 10 inch wasn't an issue for me, hurts but not as bad feeling you've done the wrong thing, sounds like you haven't to me.
My scars heal, physically if not emotionally, don't get hurt, please. K
Thank you for taking your time to reply. Luckily he's lost his strength so it doesn't hurt much. It's that bad feeling, as you say, that really hurts. The staff are brilliant at intervening and supporting. It's just so sad to see him like this as he was always so kind and gentle before dementia set in. 😢 He doesn't understand that the aggression is too much and has forgotten the next day, so can't see why he can't come home. Hence the guilt.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,979
0
Salford
Sorry I missed 4 foot 10 inch "wife" bit off, just for clarity, mum never got aggressive.
No one should have to live in fear of violence for whatever reason.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, I'd hate the thought that I could ever have behaved that way with my wife were things to have been the other way round and it was me with the aggressive AZ behaviour to her.
It's just a 24 carat solid gold...mess...up but it is what it is, so I just bought another boat (literally) so I have a new hobby. K
 

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
121
0
Sorry I missed 4 foot 10 inch "wife" bit off, just for clarity, mum never got aggressive.
No one should have to live in fear of violence for whatever reason.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, I'd hate the thought that I could ever have behaved that way with my wife were things to have been the other way round and it was me with the aggressive AZ behaviour to her.
It's just a 24 carat solid gold...mess...up but it is what it is, so I just bought another boat (literally) so I have a new hobby. K
You are so right. The boat is a wonderful idea! I've had some nights away, staying in wildlife havens. I've loved it, and as he wouldn't like it, I don't feel guilty about going. Perhaps I need to do more of that.
Enjoy your boat!
 

annieka 56

Registered User
Aug 8, 2022
346
0
My man has had to go into a residential care home as I could no longer cope with his aggressive behaviour, but I feel SO guilty. The staff at the home are lovely but, even after 3 months, he asks to go home, everyday. I've tried all sorts of advice and even taken him there for visits. However the last visit ended in him trying to get out of the car on the way back. So I've said I'm not taking him for a while, but he then started being physically aggressive to me, as well as verbal. The carers are great with him and say he calms down when I'm not there. He says it's a lovely place, but he just wants to die at home.
I think the important thing is, he says the care home is a lovely place and the staff are great with him. I would really hold on to that, if you can.
Guilt is a strange thing. Even if I had been the most perfect wife, I would still feel responsible for everything wrong , I'm sure.
Even if he had been the most perfect husband ( which he definitely has not been) he does not feel the slightest bit guilty about anything - because now he's experiencing dementia.
You have done right by him and he's in a place where he's well cared for and none of it is your fault.
Good luck.
 

Pollywobble

Registered User
Nov 13, 2023
121
0
I think the important thing is, he says the care home is a lovely place and the staff are great with him. I would really hold on to that, if you can.
Guilt is a strange thing. Even if I had been the most perfect wife, I would still feel responsible for everything wrong , I'm sure.
Even if he had been the most perfect husband ( which he definitely has not been) he does not feel the slightest bit guilty about anything - because now he's experiencing dementia.
You have done right by him and he's in a place where he's well cared for and none of it is your fault.
Good luck.
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your positive support. I feel I've done the right thing, but sometimes, like today, he goes on for hours about how I've let him down by not looking after him at home. He thinks he'd actually get better at home and I'm stopping him. 😮‍💨
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,370
0
South coast
He thinks he'd actually get better at home and I'm stopping him
Its actually really common for people with dementia to not understand their confusion and think that if they go somewhere else they will leave all their confusion behind, not understanding that they will simply take it all with them
 

Foundagoodbooktolivein

Registered User
Apr 28, 2024
14
0
My man has had to go into a residential care home as I could no longer cope with his aggressive behaviour, but I feel SO guilty. The staff at the home are lovely but, even after 3 months, he asks to go home, everyday. I've tried all sorts of advice and even taken him there for visits. However the last visit ended in him trying to get out of the car on the way back. So I've said I'm not taking him for a while, but he then started being physically aggressive to me, as well as verbal. The carers are great with him and say he calms down when I'm not there. He says it's a lovely place, but he just wants to die at home.
That's like my husband. He wont go into a home though. He's always chucking things at me and breaking things in the house because he can't get his own way about everything, (he doesn't like things like being made to get washed, or tidy anything up.) I brought up a son with special needs and it was pretty much the same with him - I had to get a special school for him as a weekly boarder, but will be haunted until I die by his little figure in my rear view mirror as I drove away every Sunday - it wasn't easy. However, he got the education he needed there for his medical problems and has been a successful adult because I sent him, always in full time work, owning his own home and able to go on holidays abroad. The other kids with special needs who stayed in local schools, have mostly never had a job.