How to decide when it's time for a care home?

[TraceyD68]

Hi,
For those of you who are at or have already past the stage of putting a loved one into a care home, how did you decide it was the right time? Apart from obvious things like leaving the gas on, wandering/getting lost etc, what were your reasons for deciding the time was right?
My mum still lives on her own and isn't doing anything that particularly makes her unsafe, but she worries and mothers a lot and we generally can't get her interested in doing anything. She told a relative last week "I just can't be bothered to do anything any more". That makes me feel really sad for her because physically, she is fairly healthy. She has always been very opposed to going into a home and she still wouldn't do so voluntarily, even though I do think she would benefit mentally from the constant presence of other people and from activities. Unfortunately, we all work full time so can't be with her all the time, although one of us goes to see her pretty much every day. She phones me a lot, and worries about me/us even more e.g. if it's raining/cold/dark.
I just don't know whether by thinking about a care home, I'm thinking more about making my/our life easier (which makes me feel guilty) or more about making life better/more enjoyable for mum.....

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @TraceyD68 and welcome. Sometimes it gets taken out of your hands, like a crisis happening and sometimes it’s the hostile nature of the disease. My Oh went in to a care home at the end of the year after assessment because he was a danger And wandered. He also complained about being alone ( he wasn’t) and I thought he would find the home more social, but a lot of dementia patients prefer their own company, well mine does. It’s just never easy.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Sometimes it's a crisis. My mother in law was self funding and living on her own in her own home. She had carers three times a day but she refused personal care including hair washing, for 3 years. I recognised she should be in full time care but she point blank refused to go into care and wouldn't even leave her own home even to visit us. So we waited for a crisis and eventually she became ill and went into hospital with dehydration. Once there, we started to look at care homes and she was discharged straight to a care home. By the time she was in care, she couldn't remember where her bathroom was in her own home and didn't recognise me. She was also a high falls risk

 

[nae sporran]

With my partner it was a series of events that took the decision out of my hands @TraceyD68. Would your mum benefit from day centres or clubs for people with dementia. C was a bit reluctant to go to these some days, but almost always came home stimulated and tired.

 

[MartinWL]

In my case it was my mother's lack of physical ability to function. She could not get out of a chair unaided, go to the loo unaided, etc so needed 24 hour support.

 

[Pork Pie lady]

My husband is currently in hospital, he will probably be having a leg amputated in the next couple of weeks. He will need a lot of recuperation before he is discharged and I am thinking now might be the best time to make the move to care home rather than go through all the stress of settling somewhere for rehabilitation then trying to settle into a new home as our current one will not be suitable for him to return to or for conversion. Thankfully he is able to understand that he may need an extended stay in rehab/respite while I source suitable accommodation.

He has had respite care in the past so the thought of being in a home isn't so alien to him, I am hoping that it will just drift into being permanent and I won't ever have to tell him he won't becoming out.

Have you thought about respite care? You could suggest treating herself and going to stay somewhere she would be waited on hand and foot. From my experience of working with older people sometimes they go to respite or reluctantly try out a home and then want to stay because they benefit so much from the constant company, entertainment, regular meals etc.

I think the first step would be to talk to the social worker if she has one or the GP.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @TraceyD68 and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I moved mum to a care home when she started to become a danger to herself. She was still pretty fit for a ninety year old and that was part of the problem. She was getting bored at home and going down the local pub to drink with random men and on at least one occasion bringing them home. Added to her screaming at the neighbours she thought were stealing from her and I felt I was waiting for a horrible crisis to happen. I hoped mum would enjoy all the opportunities that were available for trips out etc in the care home I chose but that didn't really happen unless I joined in too. However I'm glad I did move her as I dread to think what would have happened otherwise
Have a look around and see what is available care home wise in your area as not all homes are the same. Maybe try a respite stay first and see how that goes, though if your mum hates it it may make a move into care when she really needs to go more tricky.
Now you've found Dementia Talking Point do have a look round, you'll find lots of useful information here, and it is a very friendly and supportive place.

 

[Bracks48]

@TraceyD68 I am at exactly the same stage as you are. However, my mum is now prone to infections which causes falls. Her last hospital admission the doctor advised that it was maybe time for 24 hour care. I have probably been in denial that her dementia is advanced. She doesn’t wander or anything, however her living on her own and having falls is a red flag. She too is fed up, not interested in anything, TV is on but it’s just background noise to her, she couldn’t follow a TV show. I work but visit everyday, she has carers 4 times a day. I feel sad as she must be lonely, she goes to bed and sleeps a lot however I think a lot of this this is due to boredom. Breaks my heart every time I leave her to be alone with her own thoughts and confusion. I am just waiting for a social worker to be allocated as I’m sure being in the company of other people will help her pass the day. She is 84.

 

[TraceyD68]

With my partner it was a series of events that took the decision out of my hands @TraceyD68. Would your mum benefit from day centres or clubs for people with dementia. C was a bit reluctant to go to these some days, but almost always came home stimulated and tired.

I am going to look into day centres as an option - I think a lot of things shut down during covid but are now starting to open up again. Mum will certainly be reluctant so we will have to be deceptive in getting her there, but I would hope that she might get used to/enjoy it with time. It's just so sad to think that all she does all day is sit in front of the TV ☹

My husband is currently in hospital, he will probably be having a leg amputated in the next couple of weeks. He will need a lot of recuperation before he is discharged and I am thinking now might be the best time to make the move to care home rather than go through all the stress of settling somewhere for rehabilitation then trying to settle into a new home as our current one will not be suitable for him to return to or for conversion. Thankfully he is able to understand that he may need an extended stay in rehab/respite while I source suitable accommodation.

He has had respite care in the past so the thought of being in a home isn't so alien to him, I am hoping that it will just drift into being permanent and I won't ever have to tell him he won't becoming out.

Have you thought about respite care? You could suggest treating herself and going to stay somewhere she would be waited on hand and foot. From my experience of working with older people sometimes they go to respite or reluctantly try out a home and then want to stay because they benefit so much from the constant company, entertainment, regular meals etc.

I think the first step would be to talk to the social worker if she has one or the GP.

Thank you. I think we're going to try one or two other things (day care etc) first. But I like the idea of talking about respite care and going somewhere to be waited on hand and foot once we get to that stage!
Sorry to hear about your husbands situation. I hope you have the support you need too. When my uncle went into care, that was initially for 2 weeks respite and he never asked to go home. He absolutely thrived in the care home.

@TraceyD68 I am at exactly the same stage as you are. However, my mum is now prone to infections which causes falls. Her last hospital admission the doctor advised that it was maybe time for 24 hour care. I have probably been in denial that her dementia is advanced. She doesn’t wander or anything, however her living on her own and having falls is a red flag. She too is fed up, not interested in anything, TV is on but it’s just background noise to her, she couldn’t follow a TV show. I work but visit everyday, she has carers 4 times a day. I feel sad as she must be lonely, she goes to bed and sleeps a lot however I think a lot of this this is due to boredom. Breaks my heart every time I leave her to be alone with her own thoughts and confusion. I am just waiting for a social worker to be allocated as I’m sure being in the company of other people will help her pass the day. She is 84.

You've summed it up exactly. Mom sits in front of the TV but I think it is just background noise. And like you, it does break my heart to think of her sitting there on her own all the time. I just find it increasingly difficult from my own mental health perspective too, constantly trying to cheer her up and keep things positive when i'm there. Thankfully she's not had any falls or anything - I think I would definitely be looking at care homes in that case. We have just started to have someone else going in once a week to help out and we may increase that if it works out. It's just so sad and I want what life she has left to be as happy as possible but it's not easy when they lose interest in everything. I wish you luck with your situation.

 

[canary]

I think if I were you @TraceyD68 , I would start looking at care homes, so that you know what the different ones are like. Things can change very quickly in dementiaworld and you might suddenly need to find somewhere.

 

[Muttimuggle]

This is a very interesting and helpful thread. My 90 year old mother has recently had 4 falls in the space of a couple of weeks. Despite lots of medical intervention no real cause could be found."It is maybe just due to the dementia" we were told. She has stopped walking with her rollator and has been stuck in. I would like to increase the care but she doesn't want it. It is hard work trying to constantly check on how safely she is behaving within her home and I seem to spend so much time sorting out things with the chemist, the GP, the carers on top of that along with bringing her shopping and sorting out problems(tonight it was the lost key which turned up in the bin). That leaves me less time for social interaction with her. There is always something to be attended to. This on top of the emotional drain I feel. I am soon going to get looking at care homes to consider for respite. As pointed out by others on here the need could be sudden and then we wouldn't be ready or aware of which were suitable or less suitable.

 

[MartinWL]

This is a very interesting and helpful thread. My 90 year old mother has recently had 4 falls in the space of a couple of weeks. Despite lots of medical intervention no real cause could be found."It is maybe just due to the dementia" we were told. She has stopped walking with her rollator and has been stuck in. I would like to increase the care but she doesn't want it. It is hard work trying to constantly check on how safely she is behaving within her home and I seem to spend so much time sorting out things with the chemist, the GP, the carers on top of that along with bringing her shopping and sorting out problems(tonight it was the lost key which turned up in the bin). That leaves me less time for social interaction with her. There is always something to be attended to. This on top of the emotional drain I feel. I am soon going to get looking at care homes to consider for respite. As pointed out by others on here the need could be sudden and then we wouldn't be ready or aware of which were suitable or less suitable.

You are lucky you found the key!! My dad called a locksmith to change the lock when I wasn't there, because he couldn't open the door. The reason was that he had mislaid the key, which I found! But not before a pointless locksmith bill!!!

 

[Biba200]

Hi Everyone lots resonate at the moment Mum lives on her own, with the max care package 4 visits per day, there's been a lot of similar things happening for her x3 falls bewtween when I've left and gone back in the morning in May splitting her head thankfully no futher damage according to CT scans. Mum lives with Vascular Dementia, heart failure, COPD, Acute Kidney Injury and various other health problems, she is not unsteady on her feet and she has just been allocated a social worker. The week after the falls Mum's neighbours rang to let me know she wandered out 3 times at night, I so want her to be at home, but, I'm struggling , each morning she's got layers of clothes on top of night clothes in no particular order, things moved dowstairs wardrobe emptied, and constantly pacing, focusing on keys, loo rolls (uses them for everything) and not sleeping until she crashes out and sleeps one night in 5. I get no sleep at all when i'm there or if she's at mine , my sister took her at the weekend an had an awful time, no sleep, Mum trying to take sisters medication, midnight snacks, bites out of everything, trying to put ibrufen gel on her toothbrush. Mum's dementia journey has been so quick to this stage diagnosed in Dec 2020 fine up until a fall in Sept 2021 just after her 80th birthday , she had a stroke and hospital admission in october, fluid build up in November again in December both with hospital admissons and increased confusion and a bout of Covid just to add to her load. We're meeting her SW this afternoon to discuss options this will no doubt be the most difficult conversation ever. Mum is so independent and always been fit and active, sorry for the long post needed to off load a bit thank you x

 

[canary]

Hello @Biba200 and welcome to Talking Point

Your mum now needs someone watching her every minute, night and day. Even if you go to the loo, or fall asleep there is the danger that she could do something to injure herself. I think you know, deep down, what the answer to this is. Everyone wants to keep there person with dementia at home as long as possible (and in their hearts they mean - until the end), but there comes a time when it is no longer possible. I think your mum has reached this point.

Care homes are not all bad. Once mum settled, she was happy in hers. She made friends so she was no longer lonely, there was always someone around - night and day - to help her and they wernt frazzled and sleep deprived. The care home organised activities and outings for those able to go. There were barbeques, PAT dogs and musicians - I think she had a better social life than I did! And the carers were lovely, so kind and patient. It wasnt always a bed of roses, but she was so much better off there, than she had been at home. It was not failure.

 

[Helly68]

My Mum also benefitted a lot from being in a care home. She and my very frazzled father argued frequently and I think sadly that they were both happier apart.
Mummy formed strong bonds with the care staff who really loved her, despite the fact that she could be a bit "feisty". I also felt part of a community for a while. No one wants the care home option. it's a big change and it takes everyone involved, PWD and family, a while to adapt. Mummy initially put on weight with regular meals and we were still able to go out regualrly for coffee. I think it helped her that Mummy went in when she was still mobile and interacting with people as this helped her to settle.

 

[Biba200]

Thank you for replying and i do know it's for Mum's safety and working i'm unable to do that without support which I don't have x I've always been open with her and we've spoken about options more tough conversations to come today xand thank you again for your support x

 

[Romf]

Hi I’m at this stage with my dad. He doesn’t know what things are or how to work them. We have a ring doorbell and all we see is my father walking to the gate and back anything from 20 to 30 times a day. He has started to undress a few times . I’m waiting on social services, it’s so hard but you have to be the voice for your loved ones and it does get to you if you’re doing the right thing or not. Hope you find the right path to go down x

 

[Crownlyn]

Hi,
For those of you who are at or have already past the stage of putting a loved one into a care home, how did you decide it was the right time? Apart from obvious things like leaving the gas on, wandering/getting lost etc, what were your reasons for deciding the time was right?
My mum still lives on her own and isn't doing anything that particularly makes her unsafe, but she worries and mothers a lot and we generally can't get her interested in doing anything. She told a relative last week "I just can't be bothered to do anything any more". That makes me feel really sad for her because physically, she is fairly healthy. She has always been very opposed to going into a home and she still wouldn't do so voluntarily, even though I do think she would benefit mentally from the constant presence of other people and from activities. Unfortunately, we all work full time so can't be with her all the time, although one of us goes to see her pretty much every day. She phones me a lot, and worries about me/us even more e.g. if it's raining/cold/dark.
I just don't know whether by thinking about a care home, I'm thinking more about making my/our life easier (which makes me feel guilty) or more about making life better/more enjoyable for mum.....

I came here as I’m having the exact same dilemma. My mum 87 has just come out of being in hospital and has gone downhill rapidly. I care for her alone (only child) and I work full time so these last couple of weeks have been exhausting. Had friends and temporary private carer helping a bit.
I’m considering a care home as she needs someone with her all the time, can’t cook or properly care for herself.
I know it would make my life easier if she went into a home but the guilt kicks in as she’s always said ‘don’t put me in a home with all those old people’. We’ve always had such a close bond and I feel I’m failing at the first hurdle as other people seem to care for their parents for years and years.
It’s so so difficult and I really feel for you having to make the decision as I know how you are feeling xx

 

[Dutchman]

In the end for me it was taken out of my hands as my wife was desperately trying to get out of the house and go live with her long dead parents.

I think the time will come when enough is enough and, like a lot of folks here , there are no more choices. Unfortunately when that point is reached it is the most devastating and shocking thing we have to do. I went into shock that day and nearly had a breakdown and it’s taken me nearly 3 years , with help of this forum, the doctor, a counsellor, Samaritans, Dementia nurses and friends and family, to be almost okay with it all. I still cry with grief and I miss her very much.

But to try to maintain coping with her at home would have been selfish as she needs all the staff and care the home gives her. Care homes are not to be looked upon as bad. They give the PWD a protected and safe place to live and, if it’s a good home, a loving environment

 

[Bunpoots]

I’ve cared for, or helped care for 4 people with dementia and, looking back, the time when a carehome became unavoidable was after they had been in hospital and deteriorated so quickly that there was really no other choice. I also realise (looking back again) that it took 3 people to care for one with dementia (1 main carer and 2 who were willing to share the load)

The only time we managed to avoid a carehome completely was when a heart attack took my uncle before he reached the later stages - and even he was exhausting at times as he would wander off and get lost if not watched constantly.