How to decide way forward

[Selinacroft]

I always knew this decision would be impossible and it is! A real chicken and egg scenario.
Do I sell family home or fight on forever more to keep it?
Loads of money over last 60 years poured into house-extension , bits reroofed, drains laid, driveway done, windows etc but now needs a whole lot more money pouring into it joists, decorating and carpets throughout.
If I keep it and do it up there is income potential from lodgers/ students - light at the end of the tunnel
Or do I throw away mountains of my own possessions (lived here all my life and all my own clutter as dad lived very minimally) and downsize to a none stressy comfortable existence in a small modern/new place?
Yes I've made lists and vast number of pros and cons on both sides.
Yes I know that I don't need to decide now and should take my time, but while I'm living here it is consuming savings and as soon as I start doing bits up it is reducing my choices later on so an earlier decision would be beneficial.

 

[marionq]

We have lived in old properties with character and now in a new property with access to all the facilities we need as we grow older. I love it. My neighbours are of mixed ages and family sizes and all tremendously easy to get along with.

In the few hours I get to myself I am near enough to public transport to scoot around the city if I want or stay here in the suburbs and walk in the woods. This house was Johns choice before dementia stole his brain and it was a good choice.

Good luck Selina.

 

[Grannie G]

I wouldn't hesitate in getting rid @Selinacroft .

I downsized, got rid of the clutter and live with the fewest responsibilities I've had for years.

What is the clutter? Unused rooms, unused furniture, expensive upkeep, big heating bills, high maintenance. Do you need it or does the sentiment override the practicalities.

It `s the moment of truth.

 

[love.dad.but..]

You have a strong emotional attachment to the house are you still living in It?...I never lived at mum and dad's house and sold it for care although I looked at keeping it and renting it...the sums didn't add up.

However...I would sell and downsize. A home is just a house without our loved ones in it if it was their home rather than yours...I can see how spouses or partners could feel completely different though. If it frees up a bit more cash for you to enjoy and takes away the stress of upkeep and that will eat into income or savings ... after the dementia caring intensive times...give yourself an easier life.

Dad died last year I had to sell the house the year before...the cemetery is near where mum and dad are but I have deliberately never passed by...that was for then..now is for now and the future.

 

[Selinacroft]

Thanks for all your views- yes a very strong emotional attachment to house- I was born here and never lived anywhere else, parents moved here over 60 years ago.

 

[2jays]

Hmmmm a conundrum

The thought of clearing stuff to potentially downsize is one of my nightmares... I have stuff. Boxes and boxes of stuff that I have kept for years - why?? I can’t work that one out, but I still keep it.

My excuse is that I wouldn’t know where to get rid of it, as some of it, as far as I aware, is valuable stuff going back to great grandparents... don’t give me ideas, it would just be ignored by me

The house we are in does need changes to make it work for us, (apart from clear stuff) but the location is great for all the wide spread kids to visit

What’s your priority with regards to the house?

How much money / upheaval would it take to keep it safe?

Could you downsize to a few rooms, keeping them warm and comfortable, and ignore the rest of house - or does house need structural work?

Difficult decisions.....

My thoughts......
Start by dealing with / sorting the stuff. Once stuff sorted, less of an issue if you do decide to move.

 

[Marnie63]

I would move on SC. I have already decided in my case that once mum has gone, I'm getting out of this place. It has been perfect as most is ground level and therefore I have (so far) been able to look after mum here, but I already know that I won't be able to live here with all the memories of what has happened here in relation to mum's dementia.

My home is in pretty good condition, but I would rather drop the price one day and get out than pump more money into it, when it's too big for me. I aim for a new place, nice and cosy, everything shiny new and unused by anyone else. No upkeep, and, in theory anyway, a 10 year guarantee! Less stress, easier to lock the door and go to the airport for all those many holidays I have yet to do ...

 

[BIWO]

When my Mum sold the family home after my Dad died (which she had lived in for nearly 50 years) I was quite relieved as held too many memories and was time to let it go for all of us. On the day she moved out, she said she never wanted to see the house again (and never did) It was a major house clearance and makes you appreciate what families accumulate over the years. She moved into a nice new flat with a lot less clutter and far more manageable. My Mum died in November and had to clear her flat recently - it was less traumatic then clearing the old family home as we did not have such an emotional connection to it. I can understand the sentiments when you have lived in the same place for many years.

 

[Spamar]

But you’re going to move out and get rid of stuff if you want to let it. So that job has to be done anyway.
Renting a house out isn’t as easy as it was, you have to have proof that everything, electrics, gas, woodburner, is up to standards, and you have to vet your clients. Yes, I know you can pay people to do that, but it’s less money for you.

 

[Marcelle123]

I personally would move. I haven't been in the position you've been in, but we've been in the place we are, a lovely Norfolk seaside town for 28 years. We really wanted to move back up North, but couldn't because of my Mum. I'm now thinking I'll make the move.

The idea of a fresh start with fewer possessions and a simpler lifestyle is very appealing, even though we'll miss the seaside and our friends here.

It's up to you - but if you did commit to downsizing and got to work on sorting out the clutter and all the past memories that it represents, I think it would re-energise you and also be a very meaningful experience.

 

[Selinacroft]

Thank you all for your thoughts . I am left with Dad's words of wisdom rattling in my head " I hope you'll never be stupid enough to sell the house"
It also seems that although it's a big house with 3 bedrooms and large garden it doesn't command a price tag to match and small 2 bedroom houses in this area command a similar price. If I moved out of the area , there would be no beach, no immediate job and "the invisibles" would be further away. So many pros and cons on each side.

 

[Marcelle123]

Pros and cons are one thing - strong feelings another.
Good luck with your project. xx

 

[Marnie63]

If you're not sure SC then wait a while. Maybe there is no particular hurry, apart from the fact that it's costing you to stay there because of what needs doing, heating, etc? Time may help you come to a clearer decision. What sticks in my mind at the moment is that after all this intense caring for mum is over, and the responsibility that comes with it, I will need, as well as want, very little responsibility and less hassle in my life. Right now a small flat would be very appealing, but I'm not sure I could live without an outside space. I will probably sell up and then rent somewhere so that I have the flexibility and cash in the bank to move forward with a further house purchase.

In a way, it's probably an exciting project, once we've shaken off some of the grief and trauma of our experience of course. Having said all that, I can't really predict how I will feel when mum is gone, so this is all assumption at the moment!

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you all for your thoughts . I am left with Dad's words of wisdom rattling in my head " I hope you'll never be stupid enough to sell the house"
It also seems that although it's a big house with 3 bedrooms and large garden it doesn't command a price tag to match and small 2 bedroom houses in this area command a similar price. If I moved out of the area , there would be no beach, no immediate job and "the invisibles" would be further away. So many pros and cons on each side.

I think your dad's words have to be put into context. My mum and dad never wanted a care home but dementia changes everything and the way you have to look at things.Not through choice but your life and needs are now different to when your dad was still around. I do however think the job prospect would need careful consideration if this is a fundemental requirement in moving for a better or less stressful life...invisibles are going to be just that regardless of where you live...

 

[Selinacroft]

Hi Thanks all- yes no immediate hurry. I suppose I have spent most of my life thinking I would inherit this place one day (now I have half and invisible has other half) , the only thing that has really got in the way was spending so much - thousands on care costs over ten years even though I did most of it and so using up available funds meaning I would really have to work full time to realistically stay here. Most of the jobs I have done, I have hated so not keen on that prospect! That was the one good thing about caring - being at home most of the time and freedom how to spend my time within the constrains of progressive dementia care of course. I've been back at work this week and feeling really crabby having all my time tied up.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Hi Thanks all- yes no immediate hurry. I suppose I have spent most of my life thinking I would inherit this place one day (now I have half and invisible has other half) , the only thing that has really got in the way was spending so much - thousands on care costs over ten years even though I did most of it and so using up available funds meaning I would really have to work full time to realistically stay here. Most of the jobs I have done, I have hated so not keen on that prospect! That was the one good thing about caring - being at home most of the time and freedom how to spend my time within the constrains of progressive dementia care of course. I've been back at work this week and feeling really crabby having all my time tied up.

Are you under any time pressure from invisible to sell the house so they can claim their inheritance? If not I think there is an emotional adjustment period needed to enable you to settle a little from the intensive carer treadmill. It is a little concerning to hear that you have spent thousands on your mum's care...was she not in a position to contribute from her savings, attendance allowance, pension etc? Did invisible also equally contribute?

 

[Selinacroft]

Are you under any time pressure from invisible to sell the house so they can claim their inheritance? If not I think there is an emotional adjustment period needed to enable you to settle a little from the intensive carer treadmill. It is a little concerning to hear that you have spent thousands on your mum's care...was she not in a position to contribute from her savings, attendance allowance, pension etc? Did invisible also equally contribute?

Hi- no not under any time pressure from invisible- happy for me to remain here for the forseeable.
Just a bad choice of words on my part as I did all teh practical side of payments- money spent on care was from dad's account - neither myself nor invisible paid for it.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Hi- no not under any time pressure from invisible- happy for me to remain here for the forseeable.
Just a bad choice of words on my part as I did all teh practical side of payments- money spent on care was from dad's account - neither myself nor invisible paid for it.

Phew! Hopefully you will become more clear as to what you think will be right for you to do