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How should i handle this?

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
Hi. My Father was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's 18 mths ago.:(
My Mums memory is still good.:) She is really finding Dads memory loss hard to accept. Mum wants to still talk about people which Dad doesn't remember now, and discuss previous memories, and visit places they used to go too, and it frustrates him that he cant remember these things. :eek:
Should we try NOT to talk about these things in front of him, and NOT go to revisit places or see people he used to know? Or should we actively encourage him to try to recall previous memories, and talk about well known people he has now forgotten?:confused:
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
Personally I think you should not encourage any talk about people from his past if it upsets or makes him anxious. I try to only talk to mum about the things that make her happy and she takes the lead on this. At the moment it is family holidays, from out of the blue she will suddenly talk about some holidays in Blackpool. Of course I have no memory of it, so I don't know how accurate her story is, I don't really care, just talking about it seems to make her happy.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,258
South coast
Hello funkyflorist and welcome to Talking Point.
It always takes a great deal of adjustment when someone in the family gat dementia. Im afraid that you have to change the way you relate to them

When memory is going you can sometimes jog it by giving them cues eg if you talk about the past they may remember, but when the memory has gone there is no way to get it back. It sounds to me that your dad has reached that stage. No amount of reminders will make him recall (although sometimes they spontaneously remember something) and it will just be frustrating for everyone.

Im giving you a link about compassionate communication which you might find helpful
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
I would say don't do it. From my experience with my OH it just seems to upset and frustrated him. We just deal in the short term present unless be brings something up . But even then its not a discussion its just a yes,yes and more yesses from me
 

Essie

Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
563
Or should we actively encourage him to try to recall previous memories, and talk about well known people he has now forgotten?:confused:
It won't work funkyflorist :( It will just cause frustration and upset all round and that's not going to help your Dad or your Mum one jot. As canary has said when someones capacity is reducing sometimes prompts and gentle reminders can help but if someone has gone past that then 'reminders' or saying "c'mon you must remember xyz" is just wrong. Sometimes the adjustments those around someone with dementia have to make are insufferably hard, your poor Mum is no doubt desperately trying to hang on to the husband she has known for decades but that just isn't possible. Better to have as calm interaction as is possible by placing no demands on your Dad to remember or participate in a certain way. There are no easy bits of dementia.... :(
 

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
Personally I think you should not encourage any talk about people from his past if it upsets or makes him anxious. I try to only talk to mum about the things that make her happy and she takes the lead on this. At the moment it is family holidays, from out of the blue she will suddenly talk about some holidays in Blackpool. Of course I have no memory of it, so I don't know how accurate her story is, I don't really care, just talking about it seems to make her happy.
thanks that's generally how I feel
 

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
Hello funkyflorist and welcome to Talking Point.
It always takes a great deal of adjustment when someone in the family gat dementia. Im afraid that you have to change the way you relate to them

When memory is going you can sometimes jog it by giving them cues eg if you talk about the past they may remember, but when the memory has gone there is no way to get it back. It sounds to me that your dad has reached that stage. No amount of reminders will make him recall (although sometimes they spontaneously remember something) and it will just be frustrating for everyone.


Thanks for the link!
 

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
Hello Funkyflorist,
Welcome to TP - lots of help and advice to be had here...

When I joined TP, some kind soul pointed me to the article below. I found this information on compassionate communications invaluable and still re read it at regular intervals...


Elizabeth.
Its great to have this forum to use..!
 

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
It won't work funkyflorist :( It will just cause frustration and upset all round and that's not going to help your Dad or your Mum one jot. As canary has said when someones capacity is reducing sometimes prompts and gentle reminders can help but if someone has gone past that then 'reminders' or saying "c'mon you must remember xyz" is just wrong. Sometimes the adjustments those around someone with dementia have to make are insufferably hard, your poor Mum is no doubt desperately trying to hang on to the husband she has known for decades but that just isn't possible. Better to have as calm interaction as is possible by placing no demands on your Dad to remember or participate in a certain way. There are no easy bits of dementia.... :(
yes you've hit the nail on the head...she is! Its so hard after 64 years of marriage..for them and for us to see...:(
 

Funkyflorist

Registered User
Sep 17, 2015
7
I would say don't do it. From my experience with my OH it just seems to upset and frustrated him. We just deal in the short term present unless be brings something up . But even then its not a discussion its just a yes,yes and more yesses from me
thanks for your comment..can see its heading that way quickly