how on earth do people cope!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by trinity123, Oct 15, 2019.

  1. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
    Im not going to put a long thread explaining the problems that we are going through as I know everyone on here has experienced the same and much worse!
    but i just need to know how people cope and keep sane!
    My MIL has moved in with us in the last 2 months and we are yet to have a confirmed diagnosis so have no idea what we are dealing with (apart from online research and these forums) we are waiting for memory clinic appointment but could take up to 8 weeks so have no professional help.
    we know that its her brain and there is nothing we can do and she doesn't know what she is doing/saying but its so hard keeping calm when we are doing everything for her and she is just unappreciative and vicious!
    any tips and advice is much appreciated - thank you
  2. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    You will learn to rise above it, and whatever you think and feel how you respond determines how the person settles. Even if you are tearing your hair out, don't show that...walk away
  3. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to DTP, trinity123. An 8 week wait is long time when you need help with medication and care support. Sorry your MIL is so vicious too. There is a thread on compassionate communication with some good advice on ways to diffuse tension in difficult conversations with someone whose memory and cognitive abilities are failing. will take you there.
    As for keeping sane, if you can find a day centre for your MIL that would give you some time to your self to think. There are many around which cater for elderly people with and without dementia.!/search is a good place to start, but you can also contact your local social services for a carers assessment and a care needs assessment which will take a few months, but if you start the process now you will be ahead of the game when you know what you are dealing with.

    I hope any of that is useful, and there are a good many people on these pages who can offer more support and advice.
  4. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    It is so very hard but I agree with Palerider. It relieved some of the stress in our situation.
    The calmer and happier I appear the less anxious my OH. I show lots of love and tenderness. Touching his hand as I walk past, constantly telling him I have his back and will watch out for him and never leave the room without telling where I'm going (even if for a wee), and telling him I'll only be a couple of minutes.
    I so wish you well and hope you get that appointment before too long.
  5. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    I have just come back because I have had a long day and I think you need this to begin to understand dementia and how it affects people. I'm sorry for my brief answer before, its not been the best of days. Hope this helps you begin to get a grasp of whats happening in dementia:

  6. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    North West
    Yup. its the best way to be. If I am having a moment over something I hide away do what I have to do then come back
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I have been doggy paddling for years wondering how to get through. You just do find a way - a winding path that seems to just carry you along on it at its own pace

    no magic formulas or words will prevent dementia having its torturous way - a warped sense of humour will help at times as will tears. This forum helps so much just to survive each day .... just remember to breathe. xx
  8. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    It’s not easy trinity123!

    I assume your MIL was living in her own place up until recently. Once you have a confirmed diagnosis and an appt at the memory clinic I hope you will find the information helpful to you.
    I will say that my Mum moved in with us once her diagnosis was confirmed and this was after a couple of years of issues in her own home. In my own case a lot of the issues were magnified in the first 8 weeks she was with us as we were all learning to be around each other 24/7. Mum was very sensitive to any thing she saw as criticism aimed at her over what she did so we were all walking on eggshells for a while but within 3 months she was pretty settled. I hope what you are experiencing is simply ‘teething problems’. Being in a new environment and maybe feeling constantly under surveillance she is reacting- hope things settle for you soon.
  9. GeordieAg

    GeordieAg New member

    Nov 1, 2018
    It's hard for us, but also for them. It's possible that some of the language and behaviour stems from fear of not knowing what's wrong, but recognising something is. I was pointed towards a video on YouTube (link below) which explained quite a lot for me, and gave me coping strategies. We're now moving towards the next phase and new challenges but learning to enjoy the smiles and laughter. Your LO may not know you as you, but recognises you as someone who cares. Memories may be fading but emotions are still there. That alone can make their world scary as they try to work out why they feel the way they do. Hope this video helps

    https ://m. youtube .com/ watch?v=0BlZF_4EKp4

    I've had to introduce spaces in the link due to spam prevention settings on this site. To follow the link, copy and paste in your browser then delete the spaces
  10. trinity123

    trinity123 New member

    Oct 7, 2019
    #10 trinity123, Oct 16, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2019
    thank you all so much for taking time to reply.
    there is some good advice there and I will check out the videos when I return from work.
    Her temperament and mood is certainly better if we are happier and calmer but sometimes when you're tired and have had a bad day at work you forget these things.
    She was living with my sister in law (her daughter) until recently but was neglected and ended up in hospital so at least we are looking after her more but some days its just so tiring.
    I had a dream last night that I was in hospital with the blanket over my head and crying like I was having a breakdown - hope it wasn't a premonition!
    I know we're not the only ones going through this and I commend anyone who is - thank you

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