How do you handle the anger and resentment?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by ToplessRobots, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. ToplessRobots

    ToplessRobots New member

    Apr 17, 2019
    Hello everyone!
    I'm new here, so I apologize if I'm doing this right. Like many of you I have a parent with Alzheimer's. And maybe like a few of you, I have negative feelings towards my mom because of all that's happened. See my mom was bipolar and just had a big personality in general, which my dad helped her control. He died a few months before I was born. My mom went off the rails afterwards and stopped taking care of herself all together and her kids. She was bitter at the world and took it out a lot on my brother and I. I developed a lot of self esteem issues and severe anxiety due to many of her comments - calling me fat, ugly, stupid, wishing she had someone else as a daughter, wishing she had never had me or I was gone. She was occasionally violent or had her outbursts. But the thing that really damaged me the most was the fact she didn't care for herself. She knew of her family's history with early onset Alzheimer's, but didn't do much to slow it's progress. So it happened when I was twelve.
    It's been eight years taking care of her. She's on Nameda and some medication for her mental health but neither do much. My older brother and I are her primary caregivers. She has a sister who offered to help take care of her, for a price, that got angry when my brother and I decided against it. (We don't have money to pay, but found it crappy either way). She was upset and ended up calling social services on us, claiming we were neglecting our mom when we won't. I was fifteen at the time. I guess this is another reason I resent my mom - everyone feels pity for her and cares about her well being, but no one saw how messed up it was for me. Everyone wanted to make sure we weren't neglecting her and yet she was neglecting us. I don't mean to sound selfish, it's just evoked such anger in me for so long. It's always make sure to take care of your mom, never take care of yourself. It's how is your mom, never how are you. No one saw a problem with a teenage girl missing out on her childhood to take care of a woman who should have been taking care of her.
    Please don't get me wrong, some part of me loves my mom, but then some part of me hates her and resents her. I know she couldn't stop from getting sick, I just wish she had done more to slow it. There was never any doctor visits. No healthy diet. Just simply no effort. In the end it feels like she didn't care about my brother or I.
    So I guess my question for all of you lovely people is how do I get over my resentment? How do I handle the anger I have for her and the sadness of knowing my mom was never really my mom?
  2. BluTinks

    BluTinks Registered User

    Dec 7, 2018
    You won’t without counselling , you need a Carers assessment tell them you need some help because this will damage you long term also contact Carers uk
  3. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    It sounds along with a urgent Carers Assessment ask for a face to face one, do get in touch with Adult Services tell them that you are at the end of your tether and that she is a vulnerable adult. Say you can no longer cope.
    They are hard pushed but responsible to act.
    It certainly is not your Mums fault, nothing she could have done would have slowed it down. The bipolar certainly cannot have helped either.
    I do empathise sometimes the mother/daughter relationship gets reversed at far too young an age, seek counselling though your GP.
    Life is tough, more so for some, do get help. Remember that you have coped for so long, be proud about that.
    The hardest lesson we have to learn that self esteem really comes from ourselves and not from other people.
    You have come a long way in your life, you should be proud of that, if you were mine I would be very proud of you. BUT we all need help none of us is fully self sufficient. Do get it and keep in touch. I wish I could give you a big hug.
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    It troubles me greatly when young people have their lives blighted by this illness. Somehow you have to find the strength to rise above this and you can’t do this alone. Contact SS and get an assessment for her needs and also for yourself.

    She is a sick woman but you are entitled to a life. Don’t listen to what others think you have to do this is not their life.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @ToplessRobots

    However much it`s not your mother`s fault it isn`t your fault either and if you possibly can get help please do. There is a lot of damage in you which may never be completely undone but it can be helped.

    It`s really tough on children who have dysfunctional parents for whatever reason. Some parents can`t help it but many others could have done if they had thought about their children before themselves.

    Mental illness is a terrible affliction but so is a child having to parent their own parent from such an early age.

    Once you get help and I really hope you do, you can only stop the resentment by realising it isn`t doing anything to help you. You can break the cycle by living a better life than your mother did, by knowing nothing she did was out of badness but out of illness and ignorance.

    I hope you and your brother will allow Social Services to take responsibility for your mother`s care from now on so you can concentrate on your own mental and physical health and build a life for yourself.
  6. Rob_E

    Rob_E Registered User

    Feb 1, 2015
    I really hope that you get the help that you need, it will probably take time but there is some good advice in this thread, certainly counselling is a good idea. It's not surprising that you feel as you do, you are very much a victim of circumstance. And while it may not be your mothers fault that she has the problems she has, it certainly isn't your fault either and doesn't make it any easier.
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    No-one is obliged to look after a family member - the duty of care belongs to Social Services, not you nor any of your siblings
    Contact Social Services and tell them that you cannot do it any more.
  8. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Topless robots,
    Where are you?
    U.K. Based?
    Or USA based?
    I ask because of your use of "mom" rather than "mum".
    We do have US members who could advise.

  9. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    My Mum has bipolar disorder and now dementia. I see what you are saying about how this affected your childhood as my Mum's illness certainly affected mine.
    I had counselling and would recommend this to anyone. Being a child carer or being affected by mental illness in the family is a very big thing and you dont always realise how big until you start talking to someone. In my case it wasn't helped by the fact that our family and indeed society in general didn't talk about mental illness at all when I was growing up and it took me a long time to realise that other families weren't necessarily like ours.
    My Mum couldn't help the way she was, but it certainly had an effect on all the rest of the family. I hope you find support.
  10. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    High Peak
    I think you and your brother are amazing for looking after your mum. It may not be what you would have chosen but you do it anyway - I really admire you both.

    But it's not something you can do without there being a major impact on yourselves. Please get help - for your mum and for you

    The anger and resentment is natural - don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. You have missed out on so much and I really feel for you. Many of us here are familiar with these feelings. When people say to me 'How's your mum?' but never think to ask how I am, it makes steam come out of my ears...!

    I always support charities who help young people who are carers. Could one of those organisations get you some respite?
  11. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    Hi toplessrobots sending((((hugs)))) to you ,you and your brother are very special people I also admire you for what you are doing ,it's a very long heartbreaking journey we are all on,all the emotions you feel are normal ,I had councilling and it helped me ,take care and please keep posting xxx

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