I like probably every carer of a dementia sufferer went through mental, stressful hell looking after my wife until the point came that everyone was telling me that I couldn't go on as I was. I know thinking back to how it was that they were right. My wife has now been in care since Sep 2022. She will shortly be in her third care home, two having been unable to cope and been Sectioned as well. Maybe I'm alone in this but I view it as a living death. The woman I've spent 50 years with is essentially passed. When someone dies you over time move on but you can't with dementia. How do you go on and live what life you have left when your partner is suspended between life and death. I have formed a friendship with a woman, nothing more than friendship but am tormented by thoughts of betraying my wife. I just so want the company of a woman. Something I haven't had for years, despite my wife having been with me it wasn't companionable as she slid into dementia. Just a living hell. My head even now is such a mess, just can't think straight. I used to be organised but no more. Anyone else relate to this?
How do you get past it.
- Thread starter Mike Doncaster
- Start date
I think many will @MikeDoncaster. It`s a compensation for the loneliness and isolation.
Friendships can`t be seen as betrayal.
Don’t feel guilty. Friendship is what I am relying on to keep me going and I’m sure you deserve your friendship with this woman. I think your wife would have thought so too if she had foreseen what was coming.
I did for her what I know she would have done for me...the best. My wife went into care only because I was ill and ended up in hospital myself too.
Sadly she passed away end of October, I'm now "home alone too" selfish as it may sound it's time for some me time and get the back end of my life back, never without her in my heart and selfish as it may sound I'm going, as far as I can to enjoy it.
Been together since 1976, always will be just me on the planet and her in the stars.
K
Sadly she passed away end of October, I'm now "home alone too" selfish as it may sound it's time for some me time and get the back end of my life back, never without her in my heart and selfish as it may sound I'm going, as far as I can to enjoy it.
Been together since 1976, always will be just me on the planet and her in the stars.
K
I think you are judging yourself too harshly. We all have needs, and friendship and love are two of those needs.
Your wife can’t help what has happened and neither are you to blame. Caring takes its toll and we all need to find a way to heal and to restore ourselves to being a human being again. You can’t do any thing further to help your wife so maybe it’s time to work on yourself a bit.
Your wife can’t help what has happened and neither are you to blame. Caring takes its toll and we all need to find a way to heal and to restore ourselves to being a human being again. You can’t do any thing further to help your wife so maybe it’s time to work on yourself a bit.
Hi there. I hope you find the care and happiness that you deserve after all the time and attention that you have given to your Wife. Yes it takes it's toll on us all at some stage, therefore we all have to try and move on and get what we can out of what's left of our lives. Ta💔💔ke care.
You are right, dementia is a living death. I find myself neither single nor married but in some sort of limbo, a carer for a man who is a stranger, trapped in this never ending cycle of loneliness. I know it's hard but honestly try not to feel guilty. Your wife is having all her needs met and it says a lot about you that you feel so conflicted, but you also deserve to have your needs met. You have done everything you can for your wife, but we all need love and friendship and cannot indefinitely put this need on hold. We get one life, each day this life is slipping away and I believe you deserve, need, to find some joy now.
It is such a sad situation isn't it, for both the PWD and their partner, I never thought I would find myself in this situation at this stage of my life.
I was taken by the sentence ‘on her third home as first two couldnot cope. Teams of Trained professionals who have access to on duty /off duty working life couldn’t cope. …
Yet up until then you were trying to do just that on your own
I feel I suffer countless micro bereavements. Every time I visit a bit more of mum has gone.
Don’t think me mad but when someone passes there is a funeral, everyone gathers and you are condoled with. It marks a transition. I almost think there is a need for a dementia loss ceremony where everyone gathers to condole you that the person has pretty much gone although the body goes on.
Of course I don’t mean literally, but it speaks to the living death experience that’s so hard to put into words.
Please don’t give up your friendship.
Yet up until then you were trying to do just that on your own
I feel I suffer countless micro bereavements. Every time I visit a bit more of mum has gone.
Don’t think me mad but when someone passes there is a funeral, everyone gathers and you are condoled with. It marks a transition. I almost think there is a need for a dementia loss ceremony where everyone gathers to condole you that the person has pretty much gone although the body goes on.
Of course I don’t mean literally, but it speaks to the living death experience that’s so hard to put into words.
Please don’t give up your friendship.
I totally agree with this. We have one life, I know if I was so poorly with dementia in a care home where my needs were being met, I would want my wife to live her life in a way which makes her happy - even if that meant new friendship or even a relationship. I would not want her to wait until I died to feel she could pursue a path of happiness. I've actually just had that conversation with her so she knows my feelings on the matter. Go Grab Life. Take care
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