How do you cope with dementia and cancer

[Jan48]

My 82 yrs old husband is undiagnosed but is showing all the signs and symptoms of dementia and is getting worse, the short term memory anxiety and confusion. He is being investigated for liver disease. Yesterday we saw the consultant, and he suspects liver cancer but needs to do more investigations, so far he had ultra sound, ct, blood tests and now MRI as he still not sure about the liver lesions whether it is primary or secondary. This has come as a shock to us, he has always been healthy. His younger brother died of liver cancer and I know the prognosis is not very good. Am gutted finding it hard with the dementia now this. I wish the earth would open and swallow me. He is not worried as he has forgotten what the consultant has told him and how serious it is. He said he looks healthy and eats well, and no pain. I know it is pointless worrying until he had the MRI and we know for sure.At his age if the news are bad, should he have any intervention and I know he will refuse. Anybody dealing with dementia and cancer, pl share your experiences? He is still functional and does not require any help with activities of daily living and manage his daily finances at the moment and for how long. Thanks

 

[Jools1402]

How awful for both of you @Jan48 . I have had a similar experience with my older sister who had a learning disability (from birth). She developed colon cancer - during Covid lockdowns - and after consulting with my siblings and Mum I had to tell the surgeon that my sister would not cope with treatment as she was completely hospital phobic. The surgeon was young and bombastic and told me that my sister should be given a chance. It was the anaesthetist who talked some sense and a decision was made not to treat her.
All I would say to you at this very difficult time is not to think too far ahead. Wait until a proper diagnosis is made and a prognosis can be given. Find out what treatments might be offered. Take the advice of the medical team if you can - they will have seen it all before. But if their advice is absolutely not what you (or your OH) agree with then stand your ground.

 

[Jan48]

How awful for both of you @Jan48 . I have had a similar experience with my older sister who had a learning disability (from birth). She developed colon cancer - during Covid lockdowns - and after consulting with my siblings and Mum I had to tell the surgeon that my sister would not cope with treatment as she was completely hospital phobic. The surgeon was young and bombastic and told me that my sister should be given a chance. It was the anaesthetist who talked some sense and a decision was made not to treat her.
All I would say to you at this very difficult time is not to think too far ahead. Wait until a proper diagnosis is made and a prognosis can be given. Find out what treatments might be offered. Take the advice of the medical team if you can - they will have seen it all before. But if their advice is absolutely not what you (or your OH) agree with then stand your ground.

Thanks you for your post. What happened to your sister? I know I am overthinking but could not bear to see him suffer without treatment.

 

[Duggies-girl]

My 82 yrs old husband is undiagnosed but is showing all the signs and symptoms of dementia and is getting worse, the short term memory anxiety and confusion. He is being investigated for liver disease. Yesterday we saw the consultant, and he suspects liver cancer but needs to do more investigations, so far he had ultra sound, ct, blood tests and now MRI as he still not sure about the liver lesions whether it is primary or secondary. This has come as a shock to us, he has always been healthy. His younger brother died of liver cancer and I know the prognosis is not very good. Am gutted finding it hard with the dementia now this. I wish the earth would open and swallow me. He is not worried as he has forgotten what the consultant has told him and how serious it is. He said he looks healthy and eats well, and no pain. I know it is pointless worrying until he had the MRI and we know for sure.At his age if the news are bad, should he have any intervention and I know he will refuse. Anybody dealing with dementia and cancer, pl share your experiences? He is still functional and does not require any help with activities of daily living and manage his daily finances at the moment and for how long. Thanks

Hi @Jan48 I am very sorry that you and your husband are in this difficult place, I can only tell you what I did when dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer aged 87 shortly after having been diagnosed with alzhiemers. Dad had no short-term memory and forgot everything immediately. Like you I was floored with the diagnosis although we knew something was very wrong with dad as he had lost 3 stone in weight in a few months but it took a long time and lots of investigations before they found the cancer.

I had no other helpful family members to talk to about dad's treatment so I basically decided that I would listen to dad's consultants because I presumed that they would have dad's best interests at heart. The surgical team were very sensible and decided that the op would be the worst thing possible for dad, taking in account his age, his dementia and his physical condition but they would give dad palliative care including a stent so that he could eat again, I agreed with them completely and so did dad which was a great relief. Dad's oncologist also said that dad would not benefit from chemotherapy and in all truth chemo would probably make him ill and could possibly spoil any time he had left but if his symptoms worsened he may be able to have palliative radiotherapy, this was never necessary.

Dad had no treatment other than palliative which meant he could have anything that would make him feel better such as blood transfusions, iron infusions, antibiotics and the life saving stents also palliative radiotherapy if required although he eventually became to frail for that. He was not offered the surgery that would have killed him or chemo that would have made him feel worse which I was very grateful for, I think I would have questioned it if they had.

I think most medical professionals are sensible and I hope your husbands team are as good as my dad's team were as they were primarily concerned with dads well being and quality of life which I agreed with.

It was very hard for me because dad relied on me for all decisions but I let his team make the decisions for me and it worked very well, dad was very happy and quite healthy for another 2 years until he died at home.

I hope that the outcome is what is best for both of you.

 

[Jools1402]

Thanks you for your post. What happened to your sister? I know I am overthinking but could not bear to see him suffer without treatment.

My sister stayed at her care home (which luckily had a nursing section) where she felt safe and was genuinely loved by some of the staff that had looked after her for years. She had no treatment apart from palliative care which mainly involved painkillers in the last few weeks. She passed away, in her own bed with me and her primary carer there, about 6 months later. I have no regrets.

 

[Jan48]

Hi @Jan48 I am very sorry that you and your husband are in this difficult place, I can only tell you what I did when dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer aged 87 shortly after having been diagnosed with alzhiemers. Dad had no short-term memory and forgot everything immediately. Like you I was floored with the diagnosis although we knew something was very wrong with dad as he had lost 3 stone in weight in a few months but it took a long time and lots of investigations before they found the cancer.

I had no other helpful family members to talk to about dad's treatment so I basically decided that I would listen to dad's consultants because I presumed that they would have dad's best interests at heart. The surgical team were very sensible and decided that the op would be the worst thing possible for dad, taking in account his age, his dementia and his physical condition but they would give dad palliative care including a stent so that he could eat again, I agreed with them completely and so did dad which was a great relief. Dad's oncologist also said that dad would not benefit from chemotherapy and in all truth chemo would probably make him ill and could possibly spoil any time he had left but if his symptoms worsened he may be able to have palliative radiotherapy, this was never necessary.

Dad had no treatment other than palliative which meant he could have anything that would make him feel better such as blood transfusions, iron infusions, antibiotics and the life saving stents also palliative radiotherapy if required although he eventually became to frail for that. He was not offered the surgery that would have killed him or chemo that would have made him feel worse which I was very grateful for, I think I would have questioned it if they had.

I think most medical professionals are sensible and I hope your husbands team are as good as my dad's team were as they were primarily concerned with dads well being and quality of life which I agreed with.

It was very hard for me because dad relied on me for all decisions but I let his team make the decisions for me and it worked very well, dad was very happy and quite healthy for another 2 years until he died at home.

I hope that the outcome is what is best for both of you.

Thank you very much for sharing. I do not have any family support as they all live abroad. My two adult children live far away. I also have physical issues. It’s is going to be difficult as he does not accept he is having memory issues and liver disease. I took him to see gp and said it was about well man clinic. Have emailed hp before hand to express my concerns about his memory. I will take advice from the consultant. He was always resistant to intervention when he was younger, hates doctors and it’s getting worse. I do not think he understands the severity of his condition and is not worried. He says he feels and eats well. Was you dad aware he had cancer?

 

[Jan48]

My sister stayed at her care home (which luckily had a nursing section) where she felt safe and was genuinely loved by some of the staff that had looked after her for years. She had no treatment apart from palliative care which mainly involved painkillers in the last few weeks. She passed away, in her own bed with me and her primary carer there, about 6 months later. I have no regrets.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Jan48
My dad was only aware of the cancer while we were at appointments and he never seemed to be worried, he would listen to the consultant and agree with everything she said then as soon as we left the room he would ask if we could buy a nice plant for his windowsill. He forgot everything immediately and thought we were at the garden centre.

I didn't keep reminding him because I couldn't see the point but on a few occasions he asked me 'what is wrong with me and tell me the truth' so I did and he accepted it each time without any fuss. I will say that he never accepted the dementia diagnosis and we always referred to that as a bit of a memory problem and he happily accepted his memory tablet every day.

I was lucky in that my dad was very even tempered and always good company and very quick witted in spite of the alzheimers, he also never complained but the fact that he had a memory of about 15 seconds did make things difficult.

Dad's consultant said that he was the perfect advert for palliative care for the elderly and that he had in fact faired better than some of her younger patients with the same cancer who had received all the available treatment. He was quite amazing really.