How do I support?

[Lauraborealis]

Hi,
I’m new to the group and wanted advice on how to support my parents.
Just a bit of background on my situation:
My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year ago but has been symptomatic for the last 3/4 years. It took us a long time to get him diagnosed due to a combination of a stubborn middle aged man and Covid (unable to get appointments or go with him etc.)
My mother is not physically well. She has advanced rheumatoid arthritis and a number of other autoimmune conditions. She was diagnosed 42 years ago so my dad has always been the ‘well one’, so his diagnosis has hit us all hard.
My dad has all the right support in place and medication is hopefully doing what it’s meant to, however he will not engage in talking therapies at all (again stubborn middle aged man!)
My mum is very much struggling with coping with my dad, the changes in his personality and her own health. I have encouraged her to seek support for her own mental health and wellbeing. This week she finally agreed and was going to speak to her GP but she told my dad and he became so upset. He does not want her going and ‘talking about him’ as he see’s it and now she’s not going to go ahead with this.
I’m trying the best I can to be there for them both, support them around the house and be someone they can lean on and listen to their frustrations however I don’t know what to say for the best anymore. I want to support them both but feel I need more help than I can give. Plus I think talking to someone independent is so beneficial.
Any advice on how to raise this subject again without upsetting either of them?
Sorry about the long post!

 

[try again]

If your mum is struggling then she needs to see someone. I think it's best not to tell your dad as PWD scan be very self centered. Can she not try again, he may not remember. Does she go out without him at all or can you arrange to take her citing a shopping trip?

If she's internet savvy, get her to join this forum or she can contact admiral nurses who are there to give support. I'm not sure how open she can be on the phone if your dad is around.

 

[Lauraborealis]

If your mum is struggling then she needs to see someone. I think it's best not to tell your dad as PWD scan be very self centered. Can she not try again, he may not remember. Does she go out without him at all or can you arrange to take her citing a shopping trip?

If she's internet savvy, get her to join this forum or she can contact admiral nurses who are there to give support. I'm not sure how open she can be on the phone if your dad is around.

Thank you for your reply.
I will definitely not be giving up on this. She can go out without him for a short time plus me and my husband will go and spend time with dad to allow her to go out for longer but we both work full time so that needs planning.
He does have a good friend who takes him out for a few hours once a week.
I will look into admiral nurses, thank you for that advice!
Thank you again

 

[canary]

Hello @Lauraborealis

Talking therapies generally do not work with people with dementia because they usually lose insight into their own condition and are unaware of their dementia symptoms. So they do not believe that they have any problems that "need fixing" and they are also unable to take on board any suggestions. Right at the beginning OH and I were referred for couples counselling and it was an absolute disaster. OH blamed me for everything and refused to admit that he played any part in our problems.

Later I had counselling on my own, but didnt tell him and just said I was going shopping. People with dementia also lose empathy and cannot see that their carer has needs too.