How do I start this conversation with my mother ?

[CaptPugwash]

Hi,
Over the last 3 years mother has had a change in her behaviour and social skills .
Her symptoms are compatible with FTD and I have an appointment booked with her Dr's tomorrow for both of us to see them to discuss this .
I am really looking for advice about how to start a conversation with her before the appointment so that she understands why we are there ??
Thanks

 

[chris53]

Hi CaptPugwash a warm welcome to Talking Point, good luck at the doctors tomorrow..I found that trying to explain why we were seeing the doctor to my mum did not work for us, so I said that as she was elderly all ladies her age were having an extra check up to help the medical profession and that seemed to do the trick,as mum was "helping" old people (as she so nicely put it) hopefully the doctor will have a good bedside manner and not keep saying the "D" word, so many are frightened when the word dementia is mentioned.
Hope all goes well
Best wishes
Chris

 

[Beate]

Not sure her understanding why she is there will be helpful as she might point blank refuse to go, saying there is nothing wrong with her. I would disguise it as a well woman check that covers things like blood pressure, weight check, memory problems that come with old age... Anything to get her through the door. Might be an idea to brief the doctor beforehand on this tactic and maybe a typed up list of her symptoms that you can pass to him/her when her back is turned.

 

[CaptPugwash]

Thanks Chris,
I do hope we can avoid the overuse of the D word, it's even more of an embarrassment as I'm actually a health care professional by trade but it's so difficult with ones own !
The hardest part will be telling her all about the stories of her behaviour that have been relayed to me by her few remaining friends ( bless them , they must have divine patience !)

Hi CaptPugwash a warm welcome to Talking Point, good luck at the doctors tomorrow..I found that trying to explain why we were seeing the doctor to my mum did not work for us, so I said that as she was elderly all ladies her age were having an extra check up to help the medical profession and that seemed to do the trick,as mum was "helping" old people (as she so nicely put it) hopefully the doctor will have a good bedside manner and not keep saying the "D" word, so many are frightened when the word dementia is mentioned.
Hope all goes well
Best wishes
Chris

 

[CaptPugwash]

Thank you , your thoughts seem to mirror mine pretty much .
I'm just trying to pass this off as a full health check and hope that she doesn't see the memory questions for what they are.
I feel awful for being under hand but you're quite right, I think she would point blank refuse to go otherwise.
It's not helped by seeing a solicitor tomorrow morning to arrange a lasting power of attorney " just in case "

 

[Kevinl]

Welcome the Good Ship TP Captain P. Blows whistle and salutes as the Captain comes on Board.
As Chris says you don't necessarily need to have the conversation right now, it is your suspicion that she may have FTD but even a doctor wouldn't diagnose without all the tests so as said I'd sell it as a well women's clinic for now.
To be fair her memory issues could be down to any number of things; thyroid, vitamin or mineral deficiency and any number of other physical reasons, so until all the tests are done and a brain scan confirms it I'd call it what it is a health check.
Hopefully you'll not get a GP that starts using the "A" word and the "D" word as if (as I suspect) you think your mum may be in denial then that can be less than helpful.
It's really what you're going to say when or if there is a diagnosis that matters, the news will probably come from a doctor of consultant and that's when you have to make a decision.
My take was not to join in with her denial but to stay on her side and say "the doctors probably over concerned but best to take the tablets anyway just to be on the safe side" when it looks like everyone in the room is looking at her it's important to stay on her side otherwise you risk becoming one of the enemy your relationship getting soured as in her view you're all ganging up on her.
I hope it goes well, it's early days.
K

 

[Chemmy]

Welcome to TP.

I agree with the others that the use of the A and D words are not helpful, especially in the first instance. It is something many family members struggle with. Maybe in your official capacity you could relay this back to your colleagues for us? If they haven't had first hand experience with their own relatives, I think they often dismiss our concerns.

 

[Izzy]

I wonder if it would be helpful or possible for you to note down some things that are giving you concern and hand this into the doctor before the appointment. This would save you trying to get it over while your mum is present. You might also make a note on that asking him/her not to use these words.