How do I get mum to go to nursing home?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by SharonLyons, Apr 23, 2008.

  1. SharonLyons

    SharonLyons Registered User

    Dec 10, 2006
    32
    Ilford, Essex
    As my mum is on a list for a NH, I am now worrying about how I am going to actually get her to go there. Has anyone any suggestions? There is no way she will agree to go because as far as she is concerned, there is nothing wrong with her and any hint of a discussion about it sends her into a strop! As it is she cannot do anything for herself, even down to getting a drink of water. I do everything for her with a bit of help from her elderly neighbour and a carer who comes in at night to lock the back door. I have been told by the SW that I should tell mum what is happening - yeah right -, mental health nurse said to take her, pretending to visit and then just go (maybe) or my latest thought is to tell mum that her flat needs a lot of work (there is actually a big crack on one of the outside walls although it is nothing serious) and that it is too dangerous for her to stay there so she will be staying at NH for a couple of days until it is fixed (not sure if she will buy this!) Has anyone got other ideas. I am sure this is a major problem whenever a relative goes into a NH.
    Thanks.
    Sharon x
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    #2 Skye, Apr 23, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2008
    Hi Sharon

    This is a ploy that others have found successful. The advantage is that you can spin it out indefinitely, and blame it on the builders, until hopefully your mum begins to enjoy the company.

    I wouldn't go along with just taking her there and leaving her. To my mind that would be very cruel, and it would make your relationship with her very difficult afterwards. It would also be unfair on the staff, who would have to cope with the aftermath. Actually, I'm not sure you can do that anyway, they wouldn't be able to keep her against her will. I'm surprised a mental health nurse would suggest this.

    Good luck,
     
  3. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Sharon

    Just a thought..maybe miss out the phrase Nursing Home, use hotel or guest house. I would go with the builders story though unless the home have any ideas. They will be used to this situation and may have ways to help you overcome any problems as they will have encountered it before.

    Luckily my Mum was admitted direct from hospital so we were able to blame the docs for saying that she couldn't cope at home yet and kept pointing out the positives to her (laundry done, food, company etc.) My brother couldn't cope and eventually told her that she had to stay there which got her depressed but I just kept up the story that when she was well enough (which sadly I knew she would never be) she could go home again.

    After a while she forgot, but occasionally, even in late stages she would ask to go "home". But i don't think by then "home" was what we imagined, rather it was a place to feel safe ans secure which you can lose the sensation of when suffering dementia.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     
  4. judyjudy

    judyjudy Registered User

    Mar 19, 2008
    32
    west sussex
    How to do it!

    Hi Sharon
    I've just been through it and Mother and I are surviving...
    Mum was in hospital clearly needing to go to a NH (nursing staff/GP/Me/Carers all agreed she needed 24 hour supervision)
    Problem was Mother and the blasted doctors. Ma thought/thinks she is ok and doctors etc all said she had mental capacity!!! Therefore as she was clearly saying she was going home there was no way I could put her in a NH against her will. She was bed blocking in the local community hospital, I had a lovely NH lined up and she wouldn't go. Eventually the Ward Sister told her that she was going to the NH; we did not ask her, we told her and a nurse accompanied me for moral support! It worked. Ma has spent 2 weeks there now and the 1st 10 days she has been foul to everyone, especially me. Yesterday, a change has taken place (temporary? God knows...) she was calm and much less aggressive although at the end of the visit she did say she would never forgive me but hey, she IS SAFE and that is the best thing out.
    Good luck, I think you just need to watch out for the opportunity and drop everything and grasp it with both hands. Not easy I know but YOU have to do what is right for her.
    Love Judy
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Sharon

    How you handle it can to some degree depend on how old your mum is. I say this because unless she has known someone, and has visited a NH she probably has the impression it is something akin to a 'workhouse', I know this is certainly the impression my mum had.

    I would certainly take her along to the NH of your choice, let her have a look around, let her see for herself it is more like a hotel.

    As already mentioned, point out the positive aspects: company all day, organised activities, food done for her, laundry etc., No bills to pay etc etc

    I would also make of point of saying, it isnt Prison, she will be going out on day trips with other residents (assuming she is physically able), you will be taking her out for day trips, to your home, and other family members homes for visits etc.,

    I did have to tell mum a massive fib, that is was free, no charge to her at all, because she was over 80!! We simply told her we had sold the house, and ALL her money was sitting in the bank collecting lots of lovely interest for her. If she thought she was spending my inheritance on her care, she would rather have slept on the beach.

    Best wishes
    Cate
     
  6. SharonLyons

    SharonLyons Registered User

    Dec 10, 2006
    32
    Ilford, Essex
    Thanks everyone for your replies. I forgot to mention one little problem....actually, very big problem. Mum's dog. He is a huge white samoyed, absolutely beautiful. He is company for her, she doesn't actually do anything for him, feeding, cleaning up after, walking, taking to vets etc. (I do all that), but he is a constant companion. My aunt and uncle have actually said that they will have him when she goes into NH but I know that for a while, especially the first day, she will want to know where the dog is and will want to get back to him. I feel absolutely awful that I have to do this to her but unfortunately, nursing homes will not allow dogs, particularly huge ones! I have decided that once she is "in", the dog must never be mentioned and there can be no reminders, ie photos. She does tend to forget about him when we are out and about and on occasion she has gone to bed and left him out in the garden. It is just one more problem to have to think about. Has anyone ever had to deal with dog separation!!!?
    Sharon x
     
  7. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Sharon

    My Mum had to deal with dog separation. First thing we did was ensure that we chose a nursing home for her where dogs could visit. The home manager said that if Mum had become fit enough post surgery she could have the dog stay so long as she was fit enough to take it out (unfortunately that never happened)

    My brother looked after her dog which wasn't a good traveller but he did manage to bring it in occasionally to see her. I also brought my dog to visit a lot of the times I visited the home (something that everyone now misses, me, my dog and the other residents so I will be taking Chi for a visit the next time I'm around!)

    Occasional difficulty if I forgot to tell Mum when I was going that I was taking the dog with me. She would go looking for the dog!!! When taking the dog to visit, maintain eye contact when advising that you are taking the dog to look after it and it is going home with you. Also say when it will visit again.

    It may be forgotten but it does ease the stress as the staff can remind your Mum.

    It is sad. I know that Mum really really missed her dog. Luckily the Home manager had two springer spaniels whom Mum adopted when they were in with her.

    Mameeskye
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #8 Margarita, Apr 26, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2008
    Say that she just going they for a few weeks, its be like a holiday home just try it , then when their could you not say that a flood has happened in her house & that why she has to stay longer till its all sorted out for a while longer in to this new home, but not sure how long & that the dog is safe with you in your home? That you can’t bring in the dog to see her, because of the people in this lovely home are scared of dogs. She may still get worried about the dog so could keep repeating the question more, as my mother does that when she worried about something. So your needs to keep reassureing her with the same answer.

    Try to change the subject if she does that, then she may repeat it aging anyway, but at least you can go home at the end of the day. I would not worry about the staff & how stress full it became for them in trying to reassure her everything OK. That they Job what they pay for , some of them train up for when dealing with someone with a dementia, that my attitude toward it, Or other wise why are we putting them in a nursing care home for . Talk to staff tell them what happening with dog & what story your telling your mother & why she can't go home , so when you leave they say the same story to your mother so not to confuses your mother any more with a different story then yours .

    Also I am wondering if you could take a photo of the dog with you, so that hopefully well reassure her that the dog safe cared for by you even if it’s not .

    What is going to happen to the dog?


    PS

    I have Just seen the above .

    Hope you don’t mind me saying that does sound mean, as she will still remember the comfort of emotion the dog gave her for so many years . when I took my dog into a respite care home few people told me about the dogs they had in the past , unless your mother memory wipe out with the dementia brain damage I don’t believe that she forget the dog even if you don’t talk about it or show her any photo of the dog she going to know a lie going on because you’re not acknowledging her feelings for the dog . Yes of course in time she forget or except what happen even if it courses her distress. but all respect to you in how you want to Handel it .

    you can try to make her forget a memory , but can you make her forget the feeling it gave her.
     
  9. SharonLyons

    SharonLyons Registered User

    Dec 10, 2006
    32
    Ilford, Essex
    Hello Margarita,
    Yes, you are right, that does sound incredibly mean when I read it like that in black and white. I really am not a mean person and have tried to find so many ways to deal with it. I just feel that if I talk about the dog (Sam) then it just will keep reminding her and keep hurting her. If she mentions him, then I will have to talk with her about him. There are so many problems with dementia, even ones that you don't imagine!!
    Sharon x
     

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