How do I deal with this one?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DMWalker, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Hi All,

    Afraid I have a bit of a problem with hubby, I have mentioned this some time ago but now it's getting beyond a joke.

    At the moment he has gone 'walkabout' because I am looking after our grandson who is 4, he has been off school because of a tummy upset. I have just received a call from my daughter saying he has turned up at her house saying he is having to stay away from the house because he doesn't want to 'catch' anything.

    This hurts me because he would never be like this with my daughter's two children aged 9 and 3, he can't see enough of them. It's just another excuse with him but it's hurting me so much. My son and his partner do not live together, in fact he has moved many miles away with his work, his partner is French and has no other relatives in the UK, she is at college so I usually pick my grandson up from school three days a week. I dread these days as Dave is so indifferent towards him and he is such a lovely little boy.

    Can anyone advise me how to tackle this one, do I argue it out with him or do I just try and ignore him. He never used to be like this.

    Thank you

    Dee
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    I`m sorry Dee, but if your husband is anything like mine, it`s either jealousy or a feeling of being left out.

    I rarely see my grandchildren these days as my husband is unable to communicate with them and seems to feel he is being shut out, when they`re here.

    When they are not here, he talks about them with utter devotion.

    I had to stop doing the school run as I was looking after the children in their own home and it kept me away from home for too long.

    But my son and DIL managed to make alternative arrangements. If your DIL is a single parent you will be needed more than I was. I would ignore him, if you can bear the sulks and stony faces. Having a discussion with him is unlikely to work, but worth a try.

    Sorry to sound so negative. I hope you are feeling better .

    Love xx
     
  3. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,138
    Toronto, Canada
    Dee,
    Is your grandson aware of his grandad's aloofness? Perhaps you could try the tack of how his grandson is looking forward to seeing him and playing with him. Change the focus of "You should pay attenion to your grandson" to "Your grandson wants and needs you".

    I don't thinking arguing with him will do anything but put his back up. Who can tell how they come to these opinions? I did find with my mother that the approach of her helping someone worked much better.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Good suggestion, Joanne. Dee, at 4, your grandson probably brings his reading book home from school to 'practise'.

    Could your husband be responsible for this? It would make him feel valued, and would hopefully help them to bond. There's nothing to beat sitting with a grandchild on your knee!:)
     
  5. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Thanks for your advice, it is much appreciated. If it was just me and him I could cope, but when it is regarding other people, especially the young ones I really don't know how to handle it.

    Yes, Sylvia my grandson's mother is a one parent family and because her parents are in the south of France I am the only one to help her when needed, he doesn't really mind me going out to help but makes all sorts of reasons up why I shouldn't bring my grandson home, today is different as he has not been well.

    Joanne, I have tried both ways to deal with this, Chrysten doesn't realise his grandad is not very friendly with him, he is used to playing on his own, bless him, and never makes any demands, he often asks his grandad questions and Dave will answer him, it seems to be me that he wants to upset.

    I know it is the AD that is making Dave act like this but somedays I struggle to understand it.

    He has come home now but I haven't seen him, he has gone straight into his shed, he must be hungry, it's 15.45 and he hasn't eaten since breakfast!
     
  6. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    #6 DMWalker, Jan 29, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2008
    An update.............it's been nearly 7 hours since Dave left the house, I thought he had returned and went straight to the garden shed but he had just pushed the dog into the house and dissapeared again.
     
  7. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    An update.............it's been nearly 7 hours since Dave left the house, I thought he had returned and gone straight to his garden shed but he had just pushed the dog into the house and dissapeared again.

    At 6pm I rang some friends, they said he had been there and told them that he couldn't go home because Chrysten was there and he had been ill, (Dave is having a knee replacement in March and the doctor said he must keep well). He left their house at 5pm. I can't imagine where he is, he must be cold and hungry.

    I am not worrying too much at the moment, but I think I will be if he isn't home in a couple of hours. he has no mobile phone with him as he lost it a couple of weeks ago.

    I would never have imagined this morning that I would be in this situation, I feel helpless goodness knows how he feels.

    Dee
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dee, you must be worried. It's a long time for Dave to be missing, particularly if he hasn't eaten since this morning.

    Do you think it's time to ring the police?

    Thinking about you, please let us know when he returns.

    Love,
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dear Dee. Has Dave returned home yet? I do hope so.
    Love xx
     
  10. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Sylvia, thank you for your concern, no he hasn't arrived home yet. I have rung everyone I know except one person who Dave often calls but I don't know his number, I'm sure he would have let me know somehow if he was there.

    I know he has his bus pass on him so if he was ill they would know where to contact. I have just been speaking to my daughter and we wonder if he has gone to the pub, he doesn't drink anymore but it would be a warm hiding place for him, I don't even know if he has any money on him. My daughter thinks he is doing this to 'teach me a lesson', for having Chrysten for the day, I'm not too sure, it seems a bit drastic even for him.

    I feel worried and angry, worried because he must have had a terrible day and angry because he is putting me under so much pressure when I could really do without it. I know when he does return I will just have to carry on as normal, there will be no apologies on his side.

    Dee
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dee.
    Are you sure you don`t want to phone the police? Dave has been away from home for a long time.
    The police were wonderful when Dhiren went walkabout in Manchester.
    Dave might have intended to teach you a lesson but he also might have bitten off more than he can chew.
    Also if the police did find him, it might make him realize just how worrying his behaviour has been.
    You know him best.
    Please let us know when he gets home.
    Love xx
     
  12. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    I have noticed you are still online and, having read the posts, just wanted to add my concern. Please let us know how you are.
    Good luck Jan
     
  13. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Dear Dee, Please let us know how things are and whether there is any news of Dave. Thinking of you both and praying no news is good news.
    Love Deborah
     
  14. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    I have still had no news of Dave, I am now thinking of phoning the police although I am still wondering if he has gone to a pub, he can talk for England when he's in the mood. I will wait until 11.30 when he will have had enough time to walk home after they close.

    I will let you know in the morning how the events of the evening turn out. That's if I get to bed.

    I have had many phone calls from family and friends who are concerned about him, and thank you so much for your kind messages.

    Hopefully I will be able to let you know what he's been up to tomorrow.

    Love Dee
     
  15. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    He's back, 11.30, obviously been to the pub, so much for not drinking anymore.

    He refuses to speak to me, and he's taken himself to bed.

    Oh well, all's well that ends well - tomorrow is another day.

    Love Dee
     
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dear Dee
    I`m glad Dave got home safely but really sorry he put you through so much agony. I`m sure you had to bite your tomgue when he came home.
    Thanks for letting us know.
    Take care
    Love xx
     
  17. DMWalker

    DMWalker Registered User

    Aug 14, 2006
    145
    West Yorkshire
    Update........Dave appeared to have a good nights sleep!!! I slept on the settee as I am decorating the spare room. I didn't see him this morning as I went to my voluntary job in a local charity shop, he did ring me to ask if I had rung him!!!

    He was in his shed when I got home, when he came in he was the old Dave again, trying to be interested in my morning, saying he had found a toaster, (it's been in the same spot on the kitchen workstop for 2 years), he even asked if Chrysten was at school.

    I'm now going to pick Chrysten up from school, I have told Dave I will take him to my daughter's house until his mum gets home.

    I feel relief that he is not angry any more, I felt a divorce coming on this morning, thanfully it's short lived.........until next time!

    Love Dee
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    Dear Dee.
    Thanks for the update. You are treading on eggshells, aren`t you?
    I hope you have a relaxing time with Chrysten in his own home, amd a peaceful evening.
    Take care xx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.