How awful did I feel today??

[Pescita]

Today I visited my Mum in the care home where she now lives. When I got there at 2.30, she was in her room & in the process of trying to put her nightie on. Being confused about the time of day is a common occurrence with her, but not usually to the extent that she gets ready for bed when it’s still daylight. When I said it was too early for bed, she said “But I’ve been out all day”. I said I didn’t think she had, though she did go out on Thursday, when we went on the home’s Christmas outing. She still insisted she had been out, & had only just got in, which was why she was tired!

I said she couldn’t have been out unless someone took her, & asked who had taken her. She couldn’t tell me, except that it was “two girls”, & couldn’t remember where she had been, & said I’d have to ask the girls.

I didn’t handle all this very well – I’m used to her being confused to some degree, but this seemed worse than usual, & she wasn’t happy with me telling her she was wrong & hadn’t been out. Part of me knew it might be best to just “play along”, say I hope she had a nice time etc, but I just couldn’t. Eventually I let it drop as she was getting upset, & managed to change the subject. I had some Xmas cards for her to open, so suggested we did that. She then produced a small pile of unopened cards from her bag. These all had her name on them but no address or stamp. As we opened them (she struggles with envelopes, so I got them out & passed each card to her to open & read) I realised they were all from friends who belong to a club that her & my late Dad were members of for many years.

I was wondering how these cards had got to her, when she suddenly said that was where she had been….to the club. And I realised she was right - though admittedly it wasn’t today, it was last night, when they had their Xmas party. And she probably was still tired, as it would have meant she was out way past her normal 9pm bedtime. The two “girls” , I eventually established, were two ladies who belong to the club who are both older than Mum! She couldn’t think of their names, but could remember where they lived, & that they are “very jolly”, & when prompted by me, one of their names did come back to her. They had collected her by car (they are fortunate enough to still be very healthy & independent) & taken her back afterwards.

I felt so awful then….yes, she was confused to some degree, but I’d made things worse by jumping in & just assuming she couldn’t possibly have been out. I said “so you did go out then”, & gave her a kiss to say sorry. She said “I forgive you, I know it’s only because you care about me”….and I suppose that’s true, I do only worry about her being confused because she’s my mother & I care. I’m actually very grateful to these friends for taking her out too, as she doesn’t get out of the home much, & she was able to recall quite a bit about the evening as we chatted about it, & had obviously enjoyed it. I had thought I was getting better at “disentangling” what Mum says, & working out what she’s actually trying to tell me without getting wound up, but today I failed miserably . I should at least have remembered that a “girl” can mean anyone female aged from around 10 to 100 in Mum’s world!

But I guess she will probably have forgotten all about it by tomorrow….

 

[vdg]

I make similar mistakes too. Mum gets visitors and I don't realise she's had them. Don't worry.We are all on a learning curve and gradually we shall get the hang of this.

 

[Soup Runner]

I can't realy offer any advice, but I know how hard it can be to deal with.
My Mum often tells me she has been out shopping, or went for a walk around the garden, or left her handbag upstairs when she took something up to her bedroom. In reality Mum has a ground floor room in a NH and is confined to a wheelchair. I normally manage to change the subject or suggest she may have fallen asleep and been dreaming.
I am lucky because her friends phone me when they are going in to see Mum and non of them have ever wanted to take Mum out other than round the grounds of the home.

Good luck

Nina

 

[Brymar]

Hi,

It is so hard when you suddenly realise you're the one who's got it all wrong.

For months Mary kept telling me she had been visited by a little boy and girl. How she had given them some money for sweets etc.

I kept on saying she must be wrong because no-one had been to ur flat that day and she did,nt have any money in her purse. This only upset her so I did'nt question it anymore until she said that the little duo had been in her room at night.

The penny dropped. On her bedroom wall she has two paintings. One of a little Mexican boy the other of a girl in a field of buttercups.

I have removed the paintings and her "visitors" have'nt returned.

Mind you if they do return I'm really up the creek without a paddle !

Regards
Bryan

Today is but a short term memory.....Yesterday is a lifetime.

 

[Helen33]

Morning Pescita,

Your story had my emotions all over the place. Anxious at your mum believing she'd been out and you contradicting her. Strain at mum being upset and you worrying about it. Relief when the penny dropped at opening the cards and such joy at you saying sorry and mum saying she forgave you.

It might be a good idea to tell people to take photos of events that mum's involved in as this will assist her in being able to tell you about these things.

Love

 

[Val_B]

I can't realy offer any advice, but I know how hard it can be to deal with.
My Mum often tells me she has ...left her handbag upstairs when she took something up to her bedroom. In reality Mum has a ground floor room in a NH ...
Nina

My Mum also often refers to "upstairs" and now has a ground floor room in a Nursing Home, but as her bedrooms have always been upstairs until now (apart from two weeks in a bungalow before her deterioration led to NH placement) that's what I take her to mean.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

I said “so you did go out then”, & gave her a kiss to say sorry. She said “I forgive you, I know it’s only because you care about me”….and I suppose that’s true, I do only worry about her being confused because she’s my mother & I care.
But I guess she will probably have forgotten all about it by tomorrow….

Dear Pescita, such a moving thread despite your ruefulness.

Uplifting too, especially knowing your mother forgave you and knows you care for her.

Now you must forgive yourself too. And don't worry about being dubious. If your mother has dementia, you'll find a touch of scepticism won't go amiss in days to come. We all get more dubious about the accounts our loved ones give us.

I loved the description of the feisty girls who took your mother out, bless them.

Relax, you are doing fine. x

 

[shelagh]

Because my mum has lots of family visitors we keep a little note book in a drawer in her kitchen and write in it what happened while we were with her. At least we can keep reality and confusion apart - sometimes - asnd help her make sense of it.
Love
Shelagh

 

[Pescita]

Thank you all for your replies. It is such a help to have reassurance from people who really do understand.

I suspect that my elder sister may have known that the outing was planned, but she doesn't communicate much with me (or indeed with anybody, but that's another story for another thread one day!) so if she didn't pass the info on it would be no surprise.

By the way, my Mum suffers from "Upstairs, Downstairs" syndrome too - she lives on the ground floor at the home, but often refers to her bedroom as "upstairs" & the lounges & other communal rooms as "downstairs". Before moving to the care home, she had started referring to her bedroom as "upstairs" sometimes - in spite of having lived in a bungalow for 20 years. Most of the time she does seem to know that her bedroom isn't really upstairs - I think the word "upstairs" is just easier for her to bring to mind than "bedroom" . Similarly, any item of clothing is a "dress" when she can't think of any other clothes-related word!

She did once ask me if I had ever been to have a look upstairs at the home. As the home is actually divided into residential care on the ground floor, & nursing care upstairs, I have never had any reason to go upstairs. I reminded her about that, & she didn't pursue it, but I've never been 100% sure if she really meant upstairs, or just her bedroom....

I loved the description of the feisty girls who took your mother out, bless them.

They are indeed a feisty pair, Deborah. I hope so much that I can be like them in my eighties, should I manage to last that long!

 

[Margaret W]

Pescita please make sure you thank the people who took her out, such people are stars, you may be glad of their interest in the future.

Mum had visits occasionally from people from her local church. I never knew who they were, so I couldn't thank them, but sent a message via the priest. I hope they got it.

Margaret