How are you? ....are you ok?

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
How do you answer? I'm fine. I'm OK, day at a time, I'll get there. These are my catch phrases to cover my feelings because after all, three months have passed since the death of my life Partner and to tell the truth that I feel empty, I yearn for him, I sometimes think if I died it would be a release but you can't be honest because the people who ask can't do anything to make it better and are relieved and I'm grateful that they asked but know I can't be truthful. Anyone else feel like me?
 

backin

Registered User
Feb 6, 2024
139
0
My sister's hubby died in October. I'd be interested in what you would like to be asked as I ask the same sort of questions.
 

sdmhred

Registered User
Jan 26, 2022
2,169
0
Surrey
Oh @Lilyanna 😢😢 I’m glad you feel free here to tell us how you’re feeling. I am not in your boat but i have a handful of friends I am truthful with and the rest I say the same stuff as you’ve said. We can’t be that open with everyone or we would be exhausted but maybe one or two friends who you know can take it. But it’s terrible isn’t it that we have to bear our own pain but then also the response of those we speak wirh 😢😢
 

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
Good question. I can only speak from my own perspective and don't expect people to go deeper but I would like to be asked "I'm hearing you're fine, you're OK but am I hearing how you truly feel which I'd really like know?" By asking you can't 'fix it' 'make it better' but you might allow your sister to open up, and she may not, as to her gut feelings. If not, you've given her the opportunity. Society expects people not to share their true feelings and it is an empathic person who gives someone the opportunity to reveal their pain while being able to hold them through it.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,771
0
Kent
I can't be truthful.

You can be truthful. You do not have to say you`re OK .You re fine. No one expects you ro be.

You can say there`s a big hole in your life. You want to sleep to escape the sadness. You can say how you feel.

They ask a question. Perhaps they want a truthful answer.
 

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
Oh @Lilyanna 😢😢 I’m glad you feel free here to tell us how you’re feeling. I am not in your boat but i have a handful of friends I am truthful with and the rest I say the same stuff as you’ve said. We can’t be that open with everyone or we would be exhausted but maybe one or two friends who you know can take it. But it’s terrible isn’t it that we have to bear our own pain but then also the response of those we speak wirh 😢😢
I'm glad you have these friends, 'who can take it' which I'm sure are a lifeline for you. You're right and I know I can't be open with everyone, which fuels my frustration that I feel expected to resume 'normality' when life is anything but. This is why I post on this forum as it's a release and I'm anonymous.
 

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
You can be truthful. You do not have to say you`re OK .You re fine. No one expects you ro be.

You can say there`s a big hole in your life. You want to sleep to escape the sadness. You can say how you feel.

They ask a question. Perhaps they want a truthful answer.
...I can't. which I take responsibility for, as I don't want to come across as 'needy'.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,393
0
Victoria, Australia
I think this is a cultural thing, that we know we are supposed to ask you if you are ok but don’t expect a truthful reply. We think we need to be polite and show concern when we know someone is grieving but I really wonder what the reaction would be if you revealed how you are truly feeling.

I am in that age group where a friend or two is in your situation and it is difficult to know how to approach people to show that I am not just being polite but that I do care. I try in a respectful way to mention the name of the person they have lost and find that the response is mostly a little different. That often encourages the grieving person to talk about the one they’ve lost and how they feel a little better or not.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
635
0
@Lilyanna. Having been in your shoes I can sympathise with you.
It’s two years since my husband died and I have only just turned the corner.
I have 3 good friends but only one who I will tell everything to.

I am twice widowed, once at the age of 40 and in my experience most friends and acquaintances, whilst being polite in asking how you are, have their own lives to live and by the time a month or so has gone by they have moved on, unlike you and I who sadly just have to ride it out.

I have always been a great advocate of “Fake it til you make it” and decided very early on that I could grieve wherever I was so a week in the winter sun helped a bit and I have had more holidays since. Some of them solo.
Giving myself something to look forward to was a great help

My sincere condolences on the loss of your partner. It’s a hard road to travel and will take some time before you feel able to make a new life for yourself but it will happen. xx
 

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
I think this is a cultural thing, that we know we are supposed to ask you if you are ok but don’t expect a truthful reply. We think we need to be polite and show concern when we know someone is grieving but I really wonder what the reaction would be if you revealed how you are truly feeling.

I am in that age group where a friend or two is in your situation and it is difficult to know how to approach people to show that I am not just being polite but that I do care. I try in a respectful way to mention the name of the person they have lost and find that the response is mostly a little different. That often encourages the grieving person to talk about the one they’ve lost and how they feel a little better or not.

I think this is a cultural thing, that we know we are supposed to ask you if you are ok but don’t expect a truthful reply. We think we need to be polite and show concern when we know someone is grieving but I really wonder what the reaction would be if you revealed how you are truly feeling.

I am in that age group where a friend or two is in your situation and it is difficult to know how to approach people to show that I am not just being polite but that I do care. I try in a respectful way to mention the name of the person they have lost and find that the response is mostly a little different. That often encourages the grieving person to talk about the one they’ve lost and how they feel a little better or not.
I think you have described the situation beautifully. Mentioning the name of the person is so comforting and does encourage someone to open up.
 
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Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
@Lilyanna. Having been in your shoes I can sympathise with you.
It’s two years since my husband died and I have only just turned the corner.
I have 3 good friends but only one who I will tell everything to.

I am twice widowed, once at the age of 40 and in my experience most friends and acquaintances, whilst being polite in asking how you are, have their own lives to live and by the time a month or so has gone by they have moved on, unlike you and I who sadly just have to ride it out.

I have always been a great advocate of “Fake it til you make it” and decided very early on that I could grieve wherever I was so a week in the winter sun helped a bit and I have had more holidays since. Some of them solo.
Giving myself something to look forward to was a great help

My sincere condolences on the loss of your partner. It’s a hard road to travel and will take some time before you feel able to make a new life for yourself but it will happen. xx
When I feel overwhelmed I log in here as it's my safe 'friend'.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
3,890
0
@Lilyanna , it is difficult and whilst we are suffering we try to protect others by saying we’re fine. At a counselling session I was advised to say something along the lines of ‘Thank you for asking today’s a good day/ I’m feeling sad/lonely/ missing x etc.’ . I did it and felt better as it opened up a completely different conversation. I also include James by name in conversations when appropriate, so if I said something like, ‘Oh Gordon Bennet!’ (James sometimes used this instead of swearing!) I would add, ‘as James would have said’. Again doing this has kept him alive and opened conversations amongst friends who also miss him. I don’t do it with everyone But it does help. Please do try it.

@Grannie G and @Lawson58 and others give sound advice. It is a cultural thing, we do not manage grief well because we don’t always have the tools and support we need. Also, never forget the support of this forum, as you say it is ‘a safe friend’.
 

Lilyanna

Registered User
Nov 8, 2021
141
0
@Lilyanna , it is difficult and whilst we are suffering we try to protect others by saying we’re fine. At a counselling session I was advised to say something along the lines of ‘Thank you for asking today’s a good day/ I’m feeling sad/lonely/ missing x etc.’ . I did it and felt better as it opened up a completely different conversation. I also include James by name in conversations when appropriate, so if I said something like, ‘Oh Gordon Bennet!’ (James sometimes used this instead of swearing!) I would add, ‘as James would have said’. Again doing this has kept him alive and opened conversations amongst friends who also miss him. I don’t do it with everyone But it does help. Please do try it.

@Grannie G and @Lawson58 and others give sound advice. It is a cultural thing, we do not manage grief well because we don’t always have the tools and support we need. Also, never forget the support of this forum, as you say it is ‘a safe friend’.

@Lilyanna , it is difficult and whilst we are suffering we try to protect others by saying we’re fine. At a counselling session I was advised to say something along the lines of ‘Thank you for asking today’s a good day/ I’m feeling sad/lonely/ missing x etc.’ . I did it and felt better as it opened up a completely different conversation. I also include James by name in conversations when appropriate, so if I said something like, ‘Oh Gordon Bennet!’ (James sometimes used this instead of swearing!) I would add, ‘as James would have said’. Again doing this has kept him alive and opened conversations amongst friends who also miss him. I don’t do it with everyone But it does help. Please do try it.

@Grannie G and @Lawson58 and others give sound advice. It is a cultural thing, we do not manage grief well because we don’t always have the tools and support we need. Also, never forget the support of this forum, as you say it is ‘a safe friend’.
Thank you so much for your advice. I will try it and perhaps appreciate more that friends, while they may suspect I'm not 'ok or fine', don't want to upset me or say the wrong thing or expect me to feel 'fine or ok'. Meanwhile thank you for being part of 'my safe friend' community which is so supportive. xx