Hospital/Social worker - trust destroyed, desperate

[MegandMolly]

Hello everyone

So lots has happened, the upshot is its been agreed that he does have to go into a residential care home. We've found one very close to us that can take him, no top up fees (turns out Mum and Dads savings are below the limit so it will be funded) and its lovely, I got a really nice first impression. They cook the meals onsite, its a 28 bed place so not too big or small, hed be sharing a room with another bloke which might be nice for him. I can take my dog to visit, kids are always welcome, we can have dinner/tea there for a small donation, its got lovely gardens that are always accessible. Its right near a park, they do regular outings, the activities calendar I saw had something on every single day. It's just like a big house. Got a really good feeling off the carers there, the manager is lovely and very reassuring. And its had great reviews and one of the best CQC reports for the area.

So why am I wobbling?

He'd be the youngest, most active one there, when we went all the other residents were either just sat in chairs with teddy bears or taking part in what looked like a lovely 'memory' session discussing the old pound notes etc, they all looked about 15 years older than him.......I'm so worried hes going to hate it and wonder if hed be better off in one of the more modern ones, but there again they look too much like hospital, and I want him to feel settled and comfortable. not like a visitor.......athough the moden one near us had a terrible very recent CQC report which flagged up a number of dangers (not checking meds had been taken, unsafe practices etc)

Saying that Im under no illusions though that its entirely possible as soon as we left they all got off their chairs and starting wandering about themselves and being as mischevious as Dad.

I guess if he hates it we can move him?

 

[love.dad.but..]

I am glad you have a good resolution to match the effort and worry you have had. Some of the dementia care homes I looked at were from what I could see were for early dementia or had mainly advanced dementia residents...dad was in moderate stage so I could see him suited at that time even though he would eventually reach the advanced stage. Assuming the care home is dementia residential able to take your dad through his illness progression....first impressions are instinctive and important so your reaction is good. Having a shared room would not have suited dad or his dementia challenges and would not have been good for dad or the other poor chap he would have shared with but presumably the home have carried out a care assessment of your dad's needs with this in mind. He may hate it to start with that is very common...my dad took around 4 months to gain any sort of real acceptance
And probably only because his illness progressed. It is a good decision made with love for your dad...there are quite a few threads on helping with practicalities emotions and strategies on moving a loved one to a care home which may help you.

I hope it goes well and your dad settles quickly and it must be a huge relief to you all after so much worry for your dad

 

[MegandMolly]

it is a relief but I'm also feeling very worried that he wont like it, wont settle, the others wont like him..........this home has many plus points the only negative I have it it looks like a care home whereas some of the more modern ones look much brighter and more open. But there again they do look more hospital like, as if hes only there temporary, so he might be even less settled. Guess we wont know how he will react, if he doesnt like it we can address it then.

Its still not hit me you know, whats happening.....every time a stage is complete I break a bit more but I know I haven't fully reconciled everything yet. My kids are keeping me going at the minute, I don't know what Id do without them. Just before all this started we got a puppy - I lost my other girl to nose cancer last year - and shes been a little ray of sunshine and a great distraction as well even though she definitely has some Vampire in her bloodlines, shes very bitey

 

[Kevinl]

It's difficult to work out what's the best kind of care home. The one my wife's in is 1980's from the look of it. The 2 floors don't mix, you're either downstairs if you're mobile, upstairs if you're not.
There's no stairs to deal with everything is all on the one level, all the rooms are single and all are en-suite, it's like a basic hotel but our son said it was better than the student accommodation at his university.
The best bit is the staff, there's loads of them, 27 carers and nurses just on our floor on the December staff rota plus the domestic staff, kitchen and office staff, I like to think I know everyone's name, there's always someone there when you need.
At 62 my wife was the youngest when she went in but not the most aware nor the most mobile so age is a relative thing. I hope it all goes well for you.
K

 

[canary]

It may look like a care home to you, but it probably wont to him. Decor and facilities are not really important; what is important is good caring staff and a homely atmosphere. When mum went into her care home she was in the smallest room that looked out onto a car-park and I had hoped that she could have had a nice view over the garden. In reality mum was bored by the garden and much preferred watching everyone come and go in the car park. It was a lesson to me - its not about what I would like, or what my mum would have once liked, its what is right for her now.

It will take your dad a while to settle (it took mum a couple of months), but once she did she thrived. Her anxiety and paranoia went, she chatted to the staff and regained some of her old humour and, best of all, she made friends.

No where is perfect, but the place you have described sounds pretty good to me.

 

[istherelight?]

Hello MegandMolly

Sorry for all the horrors you and your family have endured. We had a right battle over my Mum this time last year - hospital phoning constantly saying she was fit for discharge despite the SW saying she couldn't go anywhere without a care package being in place. I joined TP and followed advice to the letter. She is now in a care home, which leads me on to the next stage.

I had an instinctive feel for Mum's CH. It was welcoming. No other CH had felt the same. But, like you, I worried about it all. How would she respond to it etc? But none of us can really know. We just do our best and have to keep a steely resolve through the tears. Mum was assessed by the CH and the home were satisfied that they (and she!) were suitable. I guess it's the same for your Dad? Age doesn't seem to mean much, so perhaps no need to put that as a top worry..

Mum took a while to settle but cannot remember living anywhere else now. She is clean, well fed, is given her meds on time, and is well cared for. I do hope it will be the same for your Dad