Horrible conversation

[Anongirl]

I feel so sad.

I had three missed calls from mum earlier so I rang her back straight away (my phone was on silent because my son was asleep). She said she wondered why I wasn't answering my phone and where was I. Puzzled I told her I was at home. To cut a long story short she had seen some boxes I had put in the spare room (her stuff I had sorted for her). She has got it into her mind that I have packed up and left home without telling her. I left home more than 10 years ago, then got married, then had children. She was there for all of it. Yet tonight she thinks I have walked out of her home and left her all alone. She is upset and crying. She remembers I have children but says she will never see them now I have moved out. She kept asking me where i will be living now. It was awful.

I have never heard her so confused. I know I shouldn't be shocked but it has shook me. I feel so sad because she's sat at home thinking I've packed everything up and left her.

I guess I need to grow a thicker skin. I'm going to find this a very hard ride

 

[stillcaring]

oh, that's so sad. Have nothing useful to say, but just wanted you to know somebody had read your post and cared! My mum has days a bit like that, but lots of better ones too - a rough ride is about right.

 

[Rosie Webros]

Yes Anongirl, it is a roller coaster isn't it? I don't think any of us are prepared for this, but I am sure everyone on here knows what you are going through and I hope knowing that helps a little bit.

All the best and take care. Rosie xx

 

[60's child]

That must have been very upsetting for you Anongirl I still find it very upsetting when my Mum forgets something so significant. Just reminds me that alzheimers is slowly taking her away from me. I have also tried to get a thicker skin but in the main find this impossible...
Is this much confusion unusual for your Mum? I am only asking as sudden increased confusion could be an indication of a possible infection.
I do feel for you. These reminders of the effects of dementia are very hard to take.
Dee x

 

[CollegeGirl]

Oh, I'm so sorry, AG, how sad for you both. I hope she doesn't remember this tomorrow; trouble is, you will.

This is a vile, disgusting illness, robbing people of wonderful memories. It's heartbreaking. I understand and wish I could give you a real hug xx

 

[Anongirl]

Thank you Stillcaring and Rosie. I'm praying that tomorrow morning when I ring her she won't remember this. If she's still saying it I might tell her to open the boxes and see its her things. Not sure that will help really though? Not sure anything will.

I suppose it's like someone trying to convince me that what I believe to be reality actually isn't.

X

 

[Anongirl]

Hi 60's child. No she has never lost her connection to reality to this degree before. I have read on here so many times about UTI's so just a few minutes ago it did occur to me. I will see how she is tmrw x

Thanks CG. It made me feel horrible inside. I tried to remind her of everything but it all seemed muddled to her. I rang my brother who went to see her today and he said although she was a bit fed up she seemed fine. I think she's just seen these boxes and its taken her back to when I moved out. I'll take that hug. Right back at you xxx

 

[Pennie]

Oh dear, what an awful conversation for you, hopefully she won't remember the connections she was making very soon.

I had an awful one today when mum asked me to pass her a photograph, it was of her and dad together, she not only didn't recognise her younger self but thought he was her father and had no recollection of ever being married - that is a blank of 49 years, all gone.

No wonder she doesn't know who I am...

How very cruel it all is!

 

[Big Effort]

Oh dear Anongirl!

Here we see the damaged brain scrambling to make sense of boxes..... boxes means departure..... departure means you. If I were you, the first thing I would do is move the boxes out of sight for a good while. No boxes, no need to try to make sense of them.

Of course you are upset. Doubly upset. Upset because of how confused your Mum is (it is difficult to turn a blind eye to displays like this, they hit home hard and cut deep: just look at me, cut to shreds!). Upset because she is crying and distressed and you can't alleviate it by explaining.

On the very positive side is the clear evidence how much she loves you. Just the idea of you moving out is so distressing..... that is the greatest sign of love, for you. Savour that, for this is the other side of the coin, but equally valid as truth goes.

I notice with Mum that her 'compassionate self' is still very much intact. She wants me to be happy, to enjoy work, to get my beauty sleep, to succeed and be in demand with clients. These feelings of love and caring are a blessing in an otherwise very barren and confused landscape.

I also hope your Mum has forgotten all about it tomorrow. And yes it is sad to see the person make huge cognitive errors, be muddled and wrong in their conclusions.... but you will also bring to mind her love of you, so pure and unadulterated, the emotions so unequivocal, she would be devastated to lose you.

Hope you heal fast, Anongirl, by seeing both sides of the coin. One side is a treasure beyond compare, despite dementia. Thinking of you as you face this, big hug, BE

 

[Anongirl]

Oh Pennie. I was only speaking to my brother about this tonight. My worst fear is her forgetting me and all the things we have in common. It will break my heart xxx

 

[Anongirl]

Thank you BE x

I will hide the boxes next time I go round. She's had her kitchen revamped so I moved a lot of stuff out and put them in boxes in an attempt to declutter and keep things simple for her. To avoid confusion for her. Ironic isn't it?! By that very act I have plunged her straight into confusion! My mistake was sealing the boxes. If she could have peeked in she may have been ok. I sealed them to stop her getting everything back out again. It's all back fired on me

 

[ellejay]

Sometimes though it just happens.Sometimes when my mum was still living in her house, she'd phone me, very upset , to ask when I would be home from work as she was fed up on her own & I was late.

Fact is the house mum lived in had never been my home, so it's not even as if it was an old true memory. As for the going home from work, well I married at 17 & moved out into our own place, so it's not like I "went home from work" to her for long.

I think its just trying to find a reason & anything random can trigger it.

Lin x

 

[cragmaid]

Just a word of caution..if this is an unusual confusion don't rule out our old suspect.....The UTI!!!!!!!!!
Otherwise, just keep reassuring her that you are still around, try making light of it if you can...ie " where do you think I've gone, you silly thing....I couldn't go without telling you first".

 

[Anongirl]

Hi elliejay. True. I guess if it wasn't this it would have been something else. What's funny is when my brother moved out he left half of his stuff in his bedroom and yet she doesn't seem to get confused by that! It's a funny thing this dementia (and not in a ha ha way!).

Hi Cragmaid. I will be keeping a close eye on things. I ring her every morning so I'll do that tmrw and just act as I always do and see how she seems. I'm praying that she has got over this

 

[Anongirl]

Quite a morning...

Well I rang mum this morning and she's still very confused and convinced I have moved out without telling her. She was crying. I decided to take some time off work and drove to her house.

Anyway I took a urine sample to her GP surgery and the GP called me in straight away, it certainly appears that she has a UTI on the dip test. He asked me how she is and I explained this is very out of the blue and although she does have confused episodes she has rarely lost her grip on reality like this. He is sending the sample to be analysed and said if she's not better in a couple of days he will go round himself to review her.

Luckily I have TPers or I wouldn't have known about the effect UTIs can have X

 

[CollegeGirl]

At least there seems to be a reason, AG, and something can be done about it. Which, I feel, is at least a little bit better than there seeming to be no reason at all.

My own mam has just been treated for a UTI while in respite, although she refused to provide a sample, but it seems she has responded and was compliant enough to be given a bath today. She comes home shortly.

Hope things get sorted for your mum xx

 

[Anongirl]

Hi CG. I know, it was a relief when he said it looked like a UTI, as you say it gives some sort of reason. He did add in though that it is a progressive illness which obviously I know. I guess that's his disclaimer! I was glad he took interest though and said I could contact him if I was worried.

Mum tonight is saying she feels sick but she's only had one Trimethoprim so far! Could side effects happen that fast? I guess it could be anxiety.

Do you think a UTI could have caused some of your mum's aggression? Do they think she is more settled? X

 

[CollegeGirl]

It seems likely that mam's recent increased aggression could have been this suspected UTI, especially since the home said that she has calmed down a lot since being started on the antibiotics. Still a bit awkward, but much better. We don't really know, to be honest.

She's home now, anyway, and all seems to be okay at the moment. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow when I finish work - I'd like to pop over to see them, but am very wary after the horrible visit on Fathers Day, which was when I last saw her. (We were advised not to visit while she was in respite.) I'm scared that she'll remember that she hates me at the moment.

I think it's possible that your mum could be feeling sick after even one tablet. Some people are very sensitive to medication - my mam is too. On the other hand it could be a residue of her recent confusion which has left her feeling generally anxious and out of sorts. I suppose this is understandable. Forgive me - does your mum know that she has dementia? Was she told the diagnosis?

It's all just a guessing game, isn't it! That's what can make it so frustrating! I hope it's not the tablets, because then you have to sort that out and start over.

How is she feeling now?

 

[Anongirl]

My feeling, and this is only my feeling, is that I think I would let your mum settle a bit at home for a day or two. Can you speak to your dad at some point and gauge it? Maybe if your mum is up to it he could suggest you pop round and see her reaction?

Well it's a five day course so I'm hoping she can see it through. She just rang panicking that the evening carer hadn't given her the antibiotic. I could hear her crinkling the bag the tablets are in. I told her to not worry and put them back. Any change to her routine, any change at all, causes her worry and anxiety. I find that hard. Though I must say she didn't mention me not living there anymore so I'm hoping she's managed to push that out of her thoughts now. She was so upset today saying I must hate her for not telling her I was going. I said I left 11 years ago and she replied "well why didn't you tell me then?!" So difficult. And exhausting beyond belief.

Funny you should mention whether she knows. Last night my brother decided to have the conversation with her again about her dementia. She has been told and she asked me once what it was. He thought if he explained why she felt like this it might help her. It did for a while and she said she would like a book about it then today she told me he had told her she was losing her mind so it got a bit twisted. It's hard to know the right thing to do.

Tomorrow is another day xxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I think you might be right about waiting to visit. Maybe I'll go on Wednesday. I speak to dad most days on the phone even if I don't visit, so I'll ask him what he thinks. I'm really nervous about seeing her, doesn't that sound pathetic! I don't want her to react badly to me, for both our sakes. It upsets me and it makes her angry, which will have a knock on effect for dad. But if I don't visit I feel as though I've abandoned them. I can't win!

If your mum says something again about you not telling her you'd left home, would it be easier and less exhausting for you to just say something like "oh, sorry, mum, it must have slipped my mind"? I know it sounds daft really, but may be worth a try?

Can you imagine - if you had absolutely no recollection of something happening, but someone insisted that it did, and that you knew all about it, when you are certain that you don't, how disorientating that must feel?

Well, that's the theory ... more difficult to put it into practice!

Actually, it reminds me of something. A couple of years ago I bumped into someone I'd known a few years previously, for many years, but who I hadn't seen for some time. He started telling me all about his children, now grown up, as though I knew them, and I confessed that I'd never met them. He was astounded. "But CollegeGirl, you used to babysit for me," he said. What? No, no, he'd mixed me up with someone else. But then he described how he used to drive me home afterwards, he knew where I lived, he'd met my parents, etc. And then I realised that I knew where he'd lived, too. Why would I know that? He was just a work colleague, and quite a bit older than me. I conceded that yes, I must have babysat for him before I was married. To this day, though, I have absolutely no memory of doing it.

Discombobulating. But I shrugged it off as one of those things. But imagine if this was happening every day to us? How scary that would be. That must be how it is for our mums. No wonder they get anxious and confused. And no wonder my mam gets angry about it. It must be totally mind blowing. And to them, the only rational explanation is that the event either never happened at all, or they were never told about it.

Well. I've taught myself something.

xx