Home or care home

[looviloo]

Just wanted to add the advice that a friend in a similar situation gave me... that moving home (any home) is best done while the PWD can still make memories. It's this advice that kept me going when my father moved to a care home after living independently for 10 years with our support. He has (eventually) settled, and the home is really lovely... cosy, attentive and I can trust them to care for dad. And he now refers to it as 'home'.

My own caring has not stopped, of course. I visit regularly, look after dad's affairs, take regular calls from him (usually for reassurance), do some shopping etc. Oh, and worry... the worry doesn't stop!

Everyone has their own circumstances to consider, and each situation is different. Our dad had a crisis (a serious fall) and we could no longer cope. Plus, my health wasn't good at the time (cancer diagnosis) and all I could think was "what if I'm not able to care for dad any longer? then what?" So I'm certain that a care home was the best decision for us

 

[Greyone]

I am currently agonising with moving mum into care as I am unable to care for her at home. For the time being I have to work and am unable to give up for various reasons. It hasn't been an easy decision and the guilt is a burden to me. I just hope when everything is sorted the transition goes smoothly. I love and care for her but it just won't work. Don't need to feel any worse than I do already !

caring for someone full time can be a great burden and holding down a job and caring part time and agonizing over the split is i think a greater burden.

For my family, my sister and i were working and found the part time care a strain , even with care at home. But our mother was on the whole well, so when she went into a home, they gave her a safe and regular routine and i am convinced she improved even at 91.

So good luck with what you are doing and please please please do not feel guilty about it. Hopefully she'll be with people who can support her 24/7 , give her a safe environment, others to talk to. Good luck and let us all know how you get on.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Just wanted to add the advice that a friend in a similar situation gave me... that moving home (any home) is best done while the PWD can still make memories. It's this advice that kept me going when my father moved to a care home after living independently for 10 years with our support. He has (eventually) settled, and the home is really lovely... cosy, attentive and I can trust them to care for dad. And he now refers to it as 'home'.

My own caring has not stopped, of course. I visit regularly, look after dad's affairs, take regular calls from him (usually for reassurance), do some shopping etc. Oh, and worry... the worry doesn't stop!

Everyone has their own circumstances to consider, and each situation is different. Our dad had a crisis (a serious fall) and we could no longer cope. Plus, my health wasn't good at the time (cancer diagnosis) and all I could think was "what if I'm not able to care for dad any longer? then what?" So I'm certain that a care home was the best decision for us

That is good advice also our Alzheimer's Support home worker gave us the good advice that emotionally it would be hard to look at care homes if we were unsure that dad was ready or needed one but that it was better than waiting until we had a crisis in dads care and the care home staff would get to know dad and his character well before the ravages of the illness took hold completely. It took us 3 months from then to arrive at the best interest decision for dad but I have to say over 2 years on, in practice it showed me this was very good advice for dad and for us.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hi Tin,
The social services was suggesting my father pay the £800+ a week, I live two miles from my father, and am the eldest of five, my eldest brother was the one who said I was the best person to care for my father full time, with their help.

Make no mistake...you will need their help..

 

[Chemmy]

That is good advice also our Alzheimer's Support home worker gave us the good advice that emotionally it would be hard to look at care homes if we were unsure that dad was ready or needed one but that it was better than waiting until we had a crisis in dads care and the care home staff would get to know dad and his character well before the ravages of the illness took hold completely. It took us 3 months from then to arrive at the best interest decision for dad but I have to say over 2 years on, in practice it showed me this was very good advice for dad and for us.

I was the same. I took a year to visit as many as I could and then decided which one I would choose for Mum. She went on a day visit in August but we all agreed it wasn't yet time. However, once it became apparent at Christmas that year that she needed to make the move, the groundwork had all been done, and all I needed to do was make a phone call. She moved into the first available room five weeks later. No drama.

I tried to get my OH and his sisters to do the same when it became apparent that his mum wasn't coping, but they refused to take their heads out of the sand. So she was transferred into the first and only one they viewed straight from hospital. As it turns out it's fine, but I think that approach is just asking for trouble.

(Confession time: actually I made a secret trip to view it weeks in advance having done my homework on the Internet first. They still don't know that )

 

[canary]

My brother wanted me to look after our father because his father in law has dementia, and he fell in his own home, and broke a rib, even though he had carers four times a day he was left on the floor for 5 hours.
He spent nearly two months in hospital with a punctured lung from the Broken rib.
When he was well enough, he had to go into a care home which he was unhappy about, my brother said they just leave him in his room drugged up to keep him out of harms way, and my brother didn't want this for our father.

The "chemical cosh" is very much frowned upon these days. If you get a decent care home that knows how to deal with dementia this is extremely unlikely to happen - and even then only if there is aggression/violence.

 

[BR_ANA]

My brother wanted me to look after our father because his father in law has dementia, and he fell in his own home, and broke a rib, even though he had carers four times a day he was left on the floor for 5 hours.

There are a lot more danger about letting PWD alone (it seems SS wait for a crisis). Wandering on a blizzard, blaze on kitchen, falls, eating/drinking something that isn't for it.

I wonder if 4 carers a day could help your dad accepting external care and remove some of your workload.

When he was well enough, he had to go into a care home which he was unhappy about,

I think that he has advanced to the stage where he wasn't safe at home, nobody want to be left 5 hours with a fractured bone pain.

my brother said they just leave him in his room drugged up to keep him out of harms way, and my brother didn't want this for our father.

So visit Nursing Homes now, when you can just visit and don't have pressure to decide. talk to staff, talk to residents, find one that is adequate for dementia.

As I only live two miles away my brother thought if I was willing I would be the best person to care with their help at weekends. My other four siblings live over 100 miles away, and although weekend visits was working at the beginning, it is now dwindling off.

I chose a CH for my mum that was half mile from my home. Mum had visit 4-5 times a week.

Can you find a daycare? So you can have a day free.

It seems you need more help, from family or SS. Can they pay a cleaner? Ready meals?

 

[Greyone]

Thank you greyone, for your advice, my bother and myself have LPA financial and welfare, my father has also made a will and a wishes statement, which states he wishes to remain in his own home.My brother wanted me to look after our father because his father in law has dementia, and he fell in his own home, and broke a rib, even though he had carers four times a day he was left on the floor for 5 hours.
He spent nearly two months in hospital with a punctured lung from the Broken rib.
When he was well enough, he had to go into a care home which he was unhappy about, my brother said they just leave him in his room drugged up to keep him out of harms way, and my brother didn't want this for our father.
As I only live two miles away my brother thought if I was willing I would be the best person to care with their help at weekends. My other four siblings live over 100 miles away, and although weekend visits was working at the beginning, it is now dwindling off.

You seem to have everything in place and being close at hand will be a great comfort to your family. I'm glad that other members of the family will be helping you at the weekends and i hope you can get a regular break from caring. I hope that your arrangements work out. With our mother , my sister had the burden of care in the morning because she was at home when the carers arrived, was knowledgeable about our mother's circumstances and could deal with the personal side. So i looked after her in the evenings until bed and the weekends to give my sister a break.

I was truly sorry to read about the father in law, that must have been very distressing. Personally i'm realising how lucky my family was. I recently spoke to the wife of a resident where my mum used to stay and she described it as a living hell. On the other hand i know that the carers are some time sat their wits end what to do.

Thank you so much for telling us your story. I hope you and your brother get the support you need this time round. What i'm learning is that in such unpredictable circumstances the work load is not always even and we rely on people like you and my sister to give a lot more. I must finish by wishing you and your brother and everyone good luck with your caring.

 

[Ingrid Carley]

After reading your post and replies. I feel both care option are good for Alzheimer's patients are good.But, If family members don't have time for caregiving due to some commitment, then surely care home.I disagree with your point that a person with dementia deteriorates more when they are out of their familiar surroundings, my friend's mother lasted two weeks in a care home. My friends were at a care home, she was completely fine there.Is the staff and environment of care home matters.The care home has 24/7 access to staff, care home has Safe, caring, and stimulating community for residents.They organized different activities which focused on mind, body, and spirit.That's not possible in home care.I agree Elders likes to stay in home, but if 24/7 care is not provided then, it's of no use.

 

[Witzend]

As you say, your father is not too bad at the moment. However there may often come a time when 24/7 care really does mean just that, and this can be extremely difficult and exhausting to,provide in an ordinary home setting, particularly if someone is up and down half the night, keeping everyone awake, having 'accidents', let alone becoming aggressive, etc.
The vast majority of us, I am sure, do not take the care home decision lightly. It's usually with a very heavy heart, when we know we can no longer provide the necessary care - by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year.

Incidentally, while it is popular to say that in countries such as India and Chine 'everybody' looks after their own elderly themslves, this is just not true.
We have Indian friends who live in Mumbai, and I once mentioned to the woman, who visits the UK now and then, that this is what so many people here say. She herself had a very elderly mother with dementia, and said it's rubbish. Of course, for many people, for financial reasons, there is simply no choice. Our friiends are not rich, but are comfortably off - her own mother remained in her own home many miles away, with two live-in carers. As she pointed out, such arrangements are infinitely cheaper and easier to organise in India than they would be in the U.K., and added that many of her friends and acquaintances have done the same.

I would just add that my mother was in her very good care home for very nearly 8 years, until she died at 97. We never had any cause to complain about her care. I have also often visited care homes where other elderly relatives were living, and all of them were pleasant, well run places with kind and caring staff.
I am aware that poor care homes do exist, but IMO they are small minority, and if a good deal of trouble is taken when choosing a care home, they can almost always be avoided.

 

[canary]

Incidentally, while it is popular to say that in countries such as India and Chine 'everybody' looks after their own elderly themslves, this is just not true.

Id also like to mention that I was talking a few months ago to a friend who has lived in Nigeria for many years. She told me that when people with dementia get to the stage of "wanting to go home", because the PWD has usually lived in the same village the whole of their life this is interpreted as a wish to die and so nobody stops them, or goes looking for them, when they walk into the jungle. She said that many, many people simply disappear this way.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I have no intention of putting my dad in any home at the moment but I am lucky in that dad is not really any kind of problem to anyone. He is pretty easy going, kind, good company and a real gentleman who keeps his home immaculate and himself very clean but he does need a lot of care. He is no longer capable of going out on his own and would not eat properly if it were not for me. He is also vulnerable so I worry about him all the time. He is deteriorating slowly and is no longer able to work his tv remote properly or cook a meal for himself. His home is a safe bungalow and he has no gas. He does not wander and has good neighbours. I suspect that many on this forum would be happy to have him from some of the posts I have read on here.

I spend a lot of time with him everyday and still manage a couple of nights part time work. This leaves me with little time to spend with my family and even less time to myself. I am going to stop work altogether in a couple of weeks as it is becoming impossible. I am not complaining as it is my choice to look after dad.

But there will come a time when things change and dad needs more care than I can give and I know in my heart that he would hate the thought of me having to wash him, feed him and take him to the toilet so when that time comes he will go into a care home. He will be self funding and I will choose the best place possible for him at whatever the cost. I have no interest in any inheritance for myself I just want dad to be ok.

Also I have travelled widely in India and China and the difference between rich and poor is staggering. There are many many people living on the streets in appalling conditions. Young, old, disabled and probably many dementia sufferers with no help at all. Where are there families? I don't think there is a great deal of social care available for any for these people. I still think that the UK is probably one of the best countries to live in apart from the weather and I don't really even mind that.

I know where I would want my dad to be and that is somewhere that he is safe whether it is with me looking after him or in a care home. For now I can cope but who knows what the future will bring.